Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I don't want to quit reading and I won't but wow, as bad as DH and I have had it, it could be way worse!!
So how do you politely tell friends that your baby isn't replaceable? I'm still hearing "you will have anther one" or, or, "wait til you have kids."
Well, I do have a child, he's just in heaven and while I hope to have another baby one day, I want everyone to know it won't make the pain I feel for the loss of Elliot any less. I will still be as devastated as I am now...could you imagine your baby dying? Didn't think so.....
Not to sound so bitter today, but there are just so many emotions that I don't know what to think anymore. And it's pretty bad when you are trying your best to fake it, and your boss is the only one that notices something isn't quite right...I have sort of secluded myself from the world for the time being, only letting a select few in on the me who isn't faking it....I have to say, I have gotten pretty good, most people don't notice I'm still dying inside! And that's okay with me....
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
I asked if he thought I had an incompetent cervix, he said he wasn't sure but didn't think so. We went over "the plan" and he told me I would be watched like hawk.... I wanted to ask, "WTF wasn't I watched like a hawk the first time? WTF are we all not watched like hawks the whole way?" I know it's impossible to think that could happen, but think of all of us that would still have our precious children....It irks me.
But regardless, we got the go-ahead. I was informed that I WOULD be put on bed rest no matter what this time...So I get to have that conversation with my boss tomorrow. I just want everyone prepared, I AM going to be a pain in the a$$ this time and I don't care. I was so worried about being a hypo. the last time, I didn't listen to my body. I'm pretty sure my boss is going to be totally cool about the whole thing, he's pretty cool about everything, it just makes me nervous....
I am keeping the good news from my mom though and it kills me. BUT I don't want to hear the "your not ready's" or the "it hasn't been long enough's" I don't care what anyone else thinks. Russ and I had a LONG conversation and we are both ready!
DH was ready right away, before Elliot had even passed he was talking about TTC again, that freaked me out!! But now, he had better watch it!!!! LOL
MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Picture from Mike Nelson of Mike Nelson's Frames Flames and More. I had taken a couple sets of Elliot's prints to him, he took the best of each hand and foot, cleaned them up and made me cd and gave me a couple of copies of "perfect" prints. Then a few days later him and his wife, Tina, surprised me with this! I LOVE IT!! I love it so much I had him make the exact same thing for DH and I's parents.
My necklace from myforeverchild.com. Thanks to Mike, this turned out perfect. Susan's work is soooo GREAT!!
Creepy cat hanging out at the cemetery... Can you spot him?
Hat I crocheted to donate to the local NICU...That's a quarter beside of it so you can see how small it is. Hoping to make LOTS more!
Beautiful Ornament from my GF Sarah from Things Remembered. The outside says " We never lose the ones we love- they live on in our hearts." The inside says "Our Angel Russell Elliot Miller." And of course I haven't found the perfect picture to put in it yet!
Ornament from my GF Audra. Isn't it beautiful!! It came from intimeofsorrow.com. It's hand painted! It says "Baby's First Christmas in Heaven" and is personalized on the back.
Personalized Ornament from Pat and Dorothy Goebel, the funeral home that took care of Elliot's showing, they were wonderful people and how AWESOME of them to remember our baby in such a special way!
Ornament I found at Hobby Lobby, I saw it and it SCREAMED at me to buy it!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I am asking for more now though...A girl that went to my high school lost her baby on Monday. I don't know much other than she was due in April. Please say prayers for her and her hubby and their families, that they have the strength we have gained to trudge through this tragedy.
It has been a rough ride for Brice's mama, we have walked down the same path during our pregnancy, only I took the path less traveled as she is on the one to a happy, healthy baby. I believe Elliot is watching over Brice and his parents, I pray he is.
On another note...
I am such an impatient person...I am counting the days until Monday. The perfect Christmas present would be for Dr. Lepi to tell me it's okay to TTC again. It would just be perfect! But I keep questioning if the universe believes I deserve it??? It seems like there are so many things that this universe feels I don't deserve and quite frankly, I'm sick of it!
I WANT a happy, healthy baby!!!!! I want the next pregnancy to end as mine with Elliot should have. I am taking so many steps to ensure it, but I have a feeling, that something is doomed to stop it. I am petrified that my body will fail me once again! I know anyone whose been through a tragedy as we have, understands these feelings. I pray they subside....
Please say little prayer, if you can squeeze it in, I know there are more important things to pray for....that my doc gives the go ahead on Monday!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
So I see my OB on the 21st and I am PRAYING that he gives the okay to TTC again. I want to start, like yesterday, but I also want our next baby to have the best chances possible and if that means waiting another month, as unhappy as I'll be, so be it.
It's crazy, but this all still feels like such a bad dream, like it's blurry and didn't really happen...
I was even dreaming about my appointment...I wrote a LONG list of questions out for my appointment already and am adding to them everyday, and in my dream I had forgotten my list and was freaking out!
God I pray it turns out different the next time around. I don't want to do this again and my hearts just breaks to pieces when I think of the women will multiple losses, I just can't even fathom!
We decorated Elliot's grave on Saturday and I feel better about the holiday's...I hate that it's cold though...I know it's silly, but I worry about him being cold. And I know I'm not crazy, I'm not the only one with this feeling....but wanting to dig him up again on Saturday kinda freaked me out. I just wanted to hold him and keep him warm and protect him from the cold! I gotta quit feeling that way, that's why I don't visit his grave often, I'm afraid of completely losing it and actually trying to do it...How nutso am I????
I am glad though that Elliot is no longer in pain, not suffering, not having to fight so hard. My friend's baby in the NICU is doing good, but there is a lot going on, as anyone with experience in the NICU knows...and it may seem horrible to you that I feel this way, but I'm glad Elliot isn't going through all of that...He had enough in his short life...all of the surgeries and different things to battle. I know my baby boy is happy, not in pain, and with my Dad! I have to quit being so selfish and wanting him back all the time...I think about it and have realized, as much as this all sucks, I would NEVER want my little man to suffer any more than was necessary! Does that make me a sick person??? I don't even care!
I still miss him more than anything in this world, but if giving him up meant a better life than he would ever have on earth, with his family, so be it.
I miss you and think of you everyday. I know you are watching over your daddy and me. I feel you around me all of the time. Make sure you take good care of your Pappaw! I know it won't ever be soon enough for me, but I will see you, hold you and kiss you again one of these days!
Forever and always,
Friday, December 11, 2009
My cousin Joey got this tattoo last night as a present to himself. He just graduated college and is now an RN...
It is also a tribute of sorts to Elliot. We called Elliot our "Little Superman" because he was such a strong little fighter, hence the Superman Emblem! Joey even brought a Superman Figurine to Elliot's showing and I buried it with him.
Joe and his entire family have been there for Russell and I throughout and still call and check on us when others calls have become far and few between. They are so dear to us and I hope they know how much we appreciate and love them!
I hope Joe knows how much this means to me...I know that Elliot will not be forgotten, and this just strengthens this thought. The fact that he thought that much of my Baby Boy and family, I can't even put words to how much that means to me!
Thank you Joe, Staci, Caitlin, Victor, Michael and TT! I love you!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
My GF SS sent me a BEAUTIFUL ornament she had personalized from Things Remembered. I start blubbering happy tears, so happy that someone else though of my Elliot....then I couldn't stop....and when I say I couldn't stop, I literally couldn't stop. I left a trail if snot and tears across my bed, (I know, how gross) I had to change my sheets. Kept DH up all night, got about 2 hours of sleep, and that's being generous! Walk into work Tuesday and started blubbering right away at my boss. God Bless him!!! We talked for a while and he gave me some supplements to help me sleep at night, all natural herbs, which is cool, I hate taking stuff to sleep.
My sis had to bring me my xanax to work cause I still couldn't stop. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my nose was sore...it was AWFUL!
BUT I am lots better now, course I would hope after about 24 hours of crying!!!
Now for a funny!
So I actually got a few hours of sleep Tuesday after my breakdown. And about 3 o'clock am I started dreaming about my Ex brother in law. I was dreaming he was supposed to be watching my sis' 5 kids and was no where to be found. So my sis and her bf went upstairs to search for him. While up there, he comes waltzing into the room and my oldest nephew starts yelling "here he is, here he is." (The funny parts coming, I promise) Well BIL grabs nephew by the shirt and I SCREAM "Take your F'ing hands off him or I'm going to kill you!" Well apparently, the "I'm going to kill you" part, I said out loud. DH woke me up in a panic and of course I had no idea what he was talking about for a few minutes, until after I got my bearings. So now there's a big joke that we upped DH's Life Insurance and I'm going to knock him off. He even threatened to sleep in the bedroom with the doors locked! He said I sounded so angry that it actually scared him. He said he slowly opened his eyes expecting me to be standing over him with my gun or a knife and all he could think was "what the hell did I do now." How funny is that!!
I also have to say that I have some awesome GF's. They are so understanding and loving and all acknowledge Elliot and it is just AWESOME!! Thanks girls, you know who you are!!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
the next thing I remember is waking up asking if the baby was dead. She said no, that Children's was on the way...they wheel me into a room and tell me they are bringing the baby in....I don't know a time frame, I was DRUGGED UP. I do the emergency C-Section only took 14 minutes total and it was the first they had done, they had only done drills for a delivery like mine, they are not equipped for them and usually have time to send mom to OSU...
In the room they wheeled an incubator and Sister Bernadette baptised Elliot. I am so thankful for this. I really didn't get to see him, like I said I was JUST out of surgery and kind of out of it.
That night Colleen called me from Children's to let me know Elliot had arrived. I don't remember much but her telling me her name.
DH, FIN and Mom went to Children's with Elliot while my sis stayed with me.
I was pretty drugged up for quite some time.
On Wednesday, I got to see Elliot for the first time through a web conference thing the hospital had just set up, we were the first to use it this way.
There on that monitor was my DH and my baby, all hooked up to a lot of stuff I didn't understand. Dr. B came onto the screen to explain to me about Elliot's brain bleed, it was a stage three but they were being hopeful. I DID NOT understand any of this at the time, I wasn't there and had NEVER been inside of a NICU, I didn't know the first thing about preterm babies.
While at the hospital, God sent me an angel in the form of a PCT, Kayla. Kayla had a son at 24 weeks and she told me although it was a long rough journey her son had made it and she believed Elliot would too. The last day I was in the hospital, she brought her son to meet me. This gave me sooooo much hope.
Friday I was released from the hospital and we journeyed to Columbus and got settled into the Ronald McDonald House. DH had been there all week, I don't know how he did it!
The first time I saw Elliot I was SCARED AS HELL. He was hooked up to all of this stuff, I was just freaking out, I couldn't see his face, he looked so frail, it was scary. I cried so hard, how could I have done this to my beautiful baby boy???
We sat there for a long time while I met with his nurses and doctors and they started to explain things to me...It was a bit overwhelming.
Saturday is when he had a pen rose put in because he had a perforation in his bowel. On Monday he ended up having surgery. Dr. King came into the room they had stuck us in, this God awful room, and told us he was going to do the surgery, but Elliot wasn't going to make it! This same night they had tried to put an A line in his femoral artery on his right thigh and screwed it up...his leg looked like a little sausage link. DH and I lost hope, we were sure we weren't going to have a baby by the end of the night. We cried and held one another. Dr. King ATE his words when he came back and said Elliot make it through just fine. I expressed my displeasure with DR. King to everyone I came in contact with.
Days went by and were full of ups and down. I was having problems with my milk, not producing a whole lot. And DH was running out of leave.
Elliot had opened his eyes that Sunday and DH got to hold him, I had a cold and couldn't. I can't tell you how happy that man was to hold his son. I did eventually get to hold him a few days later.
Elliot had a shunt put in his brain on August 27 to try to help with the brain bleed. He made it through surgery fine. He was on the vent, he had been put on CPAP within 24 hours of his birth but it started to breakdown his skin and they took it off him. Over the weekend, things weren't quite right. We got a phone call in the middle of the night that they were testing Elliot for an infection, his temp was out of wack. The test came back negative.
DH went back to work on Monday and i was there alone. I had started to read this book about a couple who split up after losing their child because they couldn't handle one an others grief...I wonder in some odd way if god was preparing me. In a library full of books, I chose this one and this fact didn't come out until close to the end of the book....wierd.
On Wednesday when I went to the NICU like every other day with my "supplies" to hunker down for the day, to sit and stare. Elliot wasn't acting right. On Monday we got a new team of doc with the new month. I expressed this to his doc and the nurse several time and they told me he was acting appropriate. Not for him though and they wouldn't listen. I held Elliot for about 20 minutes and then started freaking out and asked that he be put back, I had a panic attack without reason, I really think I knew something was wrong. DH laughed at me, Elliot was being awful still and he was out wriggler, always moving and pulling his lines off, but today he was still.
That night when I called to check on him, the nurse told me she was waiting on the doc, when she had gotten there, she didn't think he was acting right...Hmmmmm sound familiar. This was Colleen who had had him several nights. She told me she would call me shortly. Like HELL, I threw my sandals on and hauled ass over to the hospital. She told me I should call my husband and I did.
What happens next seems like it was a short time but was in fact over a 5 hour period. DH arrived as soon as he could get there. There were a TON of people around Elliot, they all kept giving me this sad look and rubbing my back. I thought everything would be okay. Elliot's vitals were slowly dropping and they were giving him this that and the other and running a bunch of tests. The alarms kept going off and I couldn't watch any more. The started chest compressions on Elliot and did them for about an hour, he was stuck with 7 epi pens...it all seems like such a nightmare. I had my head buried in DH's arm saying the rosary begging God not to let my son go, to take me instead. After 7 epi pens and an hour of chest compressions DH and I made the hardest decision of our lives. We looked at Elliot and he had a blank stare and was dusky, he was already gone...DH and I held him as took him off life support. I was holding my baby when he became an angel, September 3, 2009 at 3:45 am.
No parents should EVER have to go through this. After he had passed they took us into a room where we got to hold him without all of his tubes. I got yo see his beautiful face and admire his tiny little nose that was exactly like his mommy's. Then we made "the calls."
My mom was able to come and see Elliot before we gave him back. The nurses took pictures of him which I cherish now, but wasn't so keen on the idea at the time.
God it all still feels like a bad dream.
We gave Elliot back to the nurses and went back to the RMH. There we napped for a few hours and headed home. My mom made phone calls for us. We went to the funeral home and made arrangements and the rest is on my blog.
What a horrid journey. And I still ask, why us? We are good people, we did everything by the books, why us? Ands was god trying to prepare me with the book and my milk not producing like it should have? I will never know...
I just pray to God that I never have to go through this again, and those of you who have had this experience multiple times, may God Bless You.
The next Monday while at work, I had a little spotting and of course FREAKED OUT. So my OB sent me to the hospital for an Ultra Sound. There was my little peanut, and that's all we was, nothing more than the yolk sack that would soon turn into a baby, I was pregnant, and it was VERY early. The next couple of weeks the morning sickness came on, it was BAD. I couldn't even eat grapes and cheese without getting sick. By the time it was all said and done, I was taking Zofran, Regalin and Phenergan to keep food down. DH and I knew it was a bad idea, but started buying stuff anyway. We of course bought stuff that could be for a boy or girl. I ended up in the hospital 2 times for dehydration....
As time went on, I got more exhausted. I would come home from work and sleep from 6pm until it was time to get up for work the next day. DH took care of cooking, laundry, you name it, he did it. And on nights I had enough energy to stay up, I was reading baby books, playing music to my belly and DH would read to my belly.
Then the week of August 3rd, I started to have a heavy discharge and I remembered my OB said it would change as my hormones did, plus I had an appointment Thursday and would ask about it then...
Thursday, oh that Thursday, I will never forget the happiness my DH had when the doc said we were having a boy. That look....brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it, about how naive we were.
We called EVERYONE to tell them we were having a boy when we walked out of that office, we were so happy! We didn't really care about the sex, we were just happy we where going to have a healthy baby. Oh and Names, the names started and we decided Russell Elliot.
Sunday - My MIL is in a nursing home, so we went to visit. She wanted some fast food, so we left to get it and went to KMart to get her some new PJ's. While there I had to go potty and my discharge had blood in it. I FREAKED OUT immediately. (Without an exam, my OB said that it was normal to have in change in discharge at the visit on Thursday) So I call my OB and he tells us to get to LD in Zanesville. We didn't even go back to the nursing home, we left. Called mom and she met us there. They hooked me up to the monitor, we heard Elliot's heartbeat and laughed at how much he was kicking me. Everything seemed to be okay, my cervix had shortened and they wanted to do a neonatal protein test, but couldn't right then because they had checked me, I was put on bed rest and scheduled back Wednesday for the test.
We went home and I had a restless night, tossing and turning. On Monday my boss brought a computer to my house so could do some work from home, no biggie. After he left I layed on the couch and was cramping. I assumed it was from being checked. I called the doc and he reaffirmed my thoughts. DH came home from work and I was still cramping. We were trying to decide whether or not to go to LD, I didn't want to be one of those paranoid pregnant ladies, I was barely over 23 weeks, what did I know.
My tummy started to hurt, so I tried using the bathroom. When I sat down, there was this loud pop and a gushing of fluids. It felt as though a water balloon popped inside of me. So I call my OB. He wanted to know what color it was and if it smelled. Well, I had used the bathroom so it wasn't what he thought it should have been and told me everything was okay to drink plenty of fluids and lay on my side. So I hop into the bathtub to clean up and I discover something that didn't belong. I would later find out it was Elliot's Foot. So I call my OB AGAIN and tell him what I have discovered and that we are coming in.
I change clothes and we hop in the truck for the 35 minute drive. My water kept breaking, which I didn't know that would happen, and by the time we go to the hospital I was soaked again! I styed pretty calm during the ride even through the contractions, inside I was preparing for the worst and completely freaking out, but did not show it...
They wheel me to LD and start to check me, the nurse feels the foot and hurried out of the room and then starts cussing that the doctor needs to get there yesterday! My water had in fact broke, the baby's foot was hanging out of me and I was having contractions!
I will post the rest later, it has taken a lot out of me to write this all down and there is still a lot left to tell....
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Please visit TracyOC at Mommicked she is hosting a giveaway today!
Friday, December 4, 2009
I'm getting even more excited about Christmas and my breakdown's have been few and far between the past few weeks. Now, I am by no means "over" this or think of Elliot any less, it's just easier to think of him and smile...Like I said, I'm waiting to crash and burn, how morbid is that? I am assuming this is just another stage of grief we all go through....
But I am also hoping that part of this happiness is coming from the giving that has come from Elliot's death. I would not have gotten and Angel from the Angel Tree, I would not have bought snowmen from McDonald's, I would not be crocheting hats and booties and blankies, there is just a lot I would have not done. And it makes me wonder if my eyes had been opened, would Elliot still be here? Did God take him to open my and my DH's eyes?
Oh, the questions.... part of the reason I NEVER sleep. That hasn't gotten easier. I still hear "And one, and two and three" over and over again whenever I close my eyes and cannot sleep because of it and the questions. I suppose in time it will get easier....
I guess I have also realized something. Grief is selfish, someone commented to me about this and I got it, but I didn't truly understand what they meant until I spoke with my Father-in-Law the other day. I am not the only one grieving for Elliot. DUH!! But I guess I didn't realize how much others where grieving for him, my eyes open a little wider everyday.
Lessons come every day that I wish I didn't have to learn. I wish I could still be blissfully blinded to the things in this world that I never knew existed until a few months ago. But I also find solace in the comfort from those who are walking this path before me, with me and after me. Although I TRULY wish none of us ever had to be here.
Last note: tomorrow is my giveaway. It is also my EDD and so I am looking forward to honoring Elliot; his death, birth and life, by doing this giveaway on what was supposed to be the day he entered this world! So PLEASE check back tomorrow to enter my giveaway!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
My giveaway day is Saturday, which is funny because that is my actual EDD. When Tina sent our dates out and I saw that, I just laughed! I think Elliot is trying to help his mommy, I'm starting to think my luck is changing...Tina asked if I wanted to switch days, but I think it was a sign from my little boy, he still lets me know he's around and I don't want to change my date, I think it's a cool way of honoring him, and very unexpected!
So, my cousin and I are going to start crocheting hats, booties and blankies and I'm hoping to donate them to local hospitals for preemies and those stillborn. Has anyone done anything like this and do you know of an policies that any hospitals have? I know they are probably all different, but I was just curious. I want to donate to our local hospital and to Children's Hospital in Columbus, where Elliot was cared for.
Also, does anyone have any suggestions for dad's? My hubby is having such a hard time even talking about Elliot. I know we all grieve differently and at our own pace, I just wish I could do more. When ever I talk about my blog or another baby loss mama he kind of shuts down, so I don't talk to him about it anymore, but it hurts because there is so much I want to share with him. So any advice would help.
Update: Elliot's headstone was FINALLY fixed on Tuesday. Also, I have not forgotten about the presents, just am such a slacker and I admit it...I will do more shortly!
So thanks to everyone who reads my blogs, you have helped keep me sane!!
Monday, November 30, 2009
So I had another friend ask me how I felt about things being bought for or in memory of Elliot? I LOVE IT! If you ever see anything that reminds you of my dear baby and you want to buy it or make it or whatever, I would absolutely LOVE it. The fact that someone besides DH and me are thinking of my son, warms my heart to no end. Now, I might cry, but I would never be upset!!!!
The holiday was okay, stressful but okay. I did do some shopping and have everything for my angel tree angel...I think I have been flying through buying stuff so I don't have to concentrate on what it's for...does that make sense? Kind of just going through the motions....
But we survived and are going on with life....
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Today is a day to be thankful, although I am finding it hard to be thankful for anything, I need to. I am thankful for family and friends.
I miss you so much today. I thought you were going to be born today, which makes this day that much harder to find things to be thankful for. I imagined Daddy pacing while you were being born and forgetting all about hunting next week as soon as he saw your sweet face. I imagined sleeping with you in my arms and never wanting to let you go. I imagined being stingy with you, wanting you all to myself and people having to pry you out of my arms.
I miss you.
Your headstone will be fixed on Friday, thankfully, I guess one more thing to be thankful for.
Everyday life is such a struggle with you not here...I feel like the biggest failure in the world, the worst mommy ever...hell I don't even feel like I deserve the title "mommy," not today anyhow.
As I was taking a bath I was staring at that scar. That fucking scar that reminds me everyday how much I failed at being a mommy. It reminds me of you everyday, I will always have a scar on my belly and one on my heart, but feeling this pain also reminds me of how much you were loved. Your daddy and I love you soooooo much. You were sooooo wanted, it's hard living life without you....
I love you my sweet angel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you Elliot.
Love you forever and always,
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
While we were standing there, the ground looked so soft where he lay...every inch of my being wanted to dig through the soft ground, with my bare hands, no matter how long it took, to pull my baby from the earth and hold him one last time, breath life into his still body, bring him back to me, hear him cry for the first time, make him smile. Isn't it funny the way our minds work in moments of desperation? It took every ounce of strength I had to not bend down and start digging, throwing dirt everywhere to get to my baby. My precious boy lay just beneath the soft earth, in that ungodly plastic box they call a coffin.
This has been the first time I went to his grave since we buried him, DH too. We both broke down.
Did you know they don't make coffin's for babies. I wish we didn't need them, but to bury your precious child in what looked like a plastic box still makes me angry. He deserved better than a plastic box for his resting place, a FUCKING plastic box!
And to top it off, the thought of finalizing everything with the headstone being in place, the same week I thought I was going to give birth just kills me. I am supposed to be holding my little boy in my arms for the first time, holding him, staring at him in his crib, not standing over his grave, weeping for him!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
My EDD is coming up, December 5, although I was hoping Elliot would be a Thanksgiving baby. I am so confused about the emotions I am feeling...I'm jealous, as noted above, angry, sad, depressed, but also trying so damned hard to be happy. Do I even have the right to be happy right now? Is it always going to be this much work to be happy? I feel like I spend so much time fighting feelings that I don't have time for other things, again neglecting family and friends.
It just breaks my heart that I should still be pregnant, getting ready to give birth and my body is empty and my baby is already in heaven! How can one even begin to comprehend that? To make it through to the other side? My baby is dead, what a harsh statement, my baby is dead, what a cruel statement and yet, I can't get it out of my head, my... baby... is... dead...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I had a good day today...had a GREAT meeting with a big client for work...long trip but worth it. I have been buying stuff for my Angel Tree Angel..but she didn't ask for a lot and I don't have clothing sizes and she's 12...that age where you have NO IDEA what they think is cool, but I am hoping mom and I can find enough stuff for her to have a good Christmas this year.
Thank you everyone for your ornament suggestions...after I posted that blog, my WONDERFUL cousin Lori called and surprised me! She bought Elliot, Russ and I the Hallmark Angel ornament where there is a baby with wings laying beside a candle. And she doesn't read my blog, so it was ironic...
I am having a lot of mixed emotions with the holiday's coming up and my EDD was December 5, although I was hoping for a Thanksgiving baby...It seems like time has passed so fast and at times so slow...does that make sense? I am hoping I can stay comfortably numb until the new year! (Thank you Pink Floyd) Like I said, I'm rambling tonight.
I have a question for everyone...Can anyone recommend a natural sleep aid other than warm milk? I'm lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and I know I cannot continue doing this. I take my xanax sometimes when it has been a couple of days, but I do not want to become dependant on any medication of any sort to sleep, so any suggestions would be helpful...and milk upsets my tummy...
Talking of sleep, I might as well lay down and try to get some, have a presentation for work tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Anyhoo, I am thankful for the short time I got to know baby, God granted him 24 days on this earth. He got to meet his grandparents, his Aunt Danielle, Janet and cousin Garrett. He got to meet Bob and Julie Queen, no one could ask for better friends. He also go to meet my boss and his son, which was super nice. And although he flipped Father Jim off, I'll tell that one later, he was able to meet God's messenger that married his mommy and daddy and who has helped them deal with his death.
I am thankful I got to hold my baby while he was still alive, he got to feel my heartbeat from the outside, smell my skin and feel the love his mommy had for him.
I am thankful that DH got to hold him. He heard his daddy's heartbeat for the first time, got to feel his fuzzy chest, smell him and feel the most pure, complete love that a man can have for his child!
I am thankful for such a wonderful DH! No one could ask for a better one. The way he loves me, no one can ever touch. Through good and bad, thick and thin and this tragedy, we have become closer and no one will ever be able to take that from us.
I am thankful for such wonderful family and friends. They have always been wonderful, but everyone really stepped up to the plate when we needed them the most.
I am thankful for random acts of kindness, my faith has been restored in people, even when the best intentions fall through, it's still been good.
I am especially thankful for our "crew," you know who you are, if it wasn't for you guys, we would be in a world of hurt!!!
I am thankful to be one of God's children.
And I am hopeful that through God's serenity, the sun will always shine tomorrow. I hope he will grant us the wish of a healthy child, to watch grow up and to care for.
I am thankful for my Blog Friends. Although I hate that this how we met, I don't know what I'd do with out you all!!!
Most importantly, I am thankful for my life. As much bad that has happened, I wouldn't be who I am today if it had not happened this way. I believe one day I will understand everything when I am in heaven. I do believe God has a master plan. And perhaps who knew I was strong enough to carry this burden so that some one else didn't have to....I don't know....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So over the last 3 months, my whole world has changed, in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone. Conversations with friends are mostly awkward, except a few. I feel like I can't talk to my friends with babies, I don't want to scare the hell out of them...I have a hard talking to DH about it, I try to be strong for him, like he has been for me. Don't get me wrong, we break down together A LOT, but there are a lot of nights I wait until he is asleep and go into the spare room and go through Elliot's chest and cry, sobbing so hard I drool and catch myself because I'm crying so loud I don't want to wake him up.
It's hard to talk to my mom because I don't want to upset her. I want her to know I am healing. I get tired of her telling me we should wait longer than to February before we start trying again...
So back to yesterday, I didn't even light my "Baby Candles." I totally forgot about it until today. I do that a lot though, especially when it comes to my dad. I prepare myself so much and tell myself I have to hold it together, that those "special" days come and go without a second thought from me....is that normal? I don't know anymore....
On another note: My mom and I are getting an angel off the Angel Tree this year. I have wanted to do this forever and figured this year would be as good as any and I cannot wait to start buying Christmas for whatever child we get. It warms my heart knowing that we will be helping someone who needs it and making a precious child smile on Christmas morning....something I won't get to experience with my own child, although I know he will be smiling from above!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I made a strange call to the funeral home today to see if they had taken picture of Elliot after he was ready.They didn't, I know it was a stretch, but I had to try. I want more pictures of Elliot so bad it hurts, but I can never have them and it's killing me. And I was hoping for one from the funeral home because he looked so perfect and I never want to forget that image of my baby boy. I wish we as a society were more understanding when it comes to death. Why did I scream at the nurse who was trying to takes pictures of us holding Elliot? At the time I thought it was impersonal and I was furious, my baby was dying and they were snapping pictures...now I'm soooo mad because I don't have them!
My EDD is less then a month away. It's funny how when I was pregnant it felt like a lifetime before that day would be here, now it feels like it was no time at all! Does that make sense?
I would give anything to still be pregnant, to not have this scar that is a constant reminder that my body failed me. To feel Elliot growing inside of me, to be miserable, I would give anything.
I think I am just beginning my grieving process, I tried to be so strong for Russell for so long...I have had a lot of loss in My life, seen too many family members take their last breath and I thought I needed to be strong for him. But I have discovered losing a child cannot compare to anything I have ever experienced, and I hope to never experience it again....
I am so mad for not taking more pictures and it is just now bothering me...I feel like I would be in a better place if I had more pictures, I don't know if this is true and it's just another thing to beat myself about, but I am....
I want so bad to be a mommy, to a living child. I want to hold him it in my arms, rock it to sleep, give it life nourishing milk from my body....My heart aches so bad..and I feel guilty for wanting another baby so soon, I am not trying to replace Elliot or the hole in my heart, I just want a the family I have always dreamed of.
I still question Why? everyday...Will I ever stop questioning and just accept it? I don't know but being in a constant state of Why? is exhausting, but I can't seem to move past it.
I don't feel so angry as I did even a week ago, but I am so sad that it hurts and is very tiring...exhausting, I'm so exhausted all the time...
I want to smile instead of cry, I want to know I did all I could, not this constant wishing I would have done this or that, or questioning if I did enough...
This new normal is not what I had in mind when I was six or seven, dreaming of being married and having a family of my own...
Here's to a better tomorrow.....
Monday, November 9, 2009
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?
It's been a few months now since we lost Elliot...I hate saying lost, I didn't misplace him, but saying since he died, or his death just seems like to harsh of words for now. I don't know where I am in my grief, I go back a forth a lot. Most days I am dealing with utter sadness and lots of questions. Why? is the biggest one. And it kills me that I will never know. I feel like DH and I were robbed of our perfect life. Not that our life is perfect, no ones is, but Elliot was so wanted and so loved and I feel like he was robbed from us, taken for no reason. I still have a lot of anger, I am so angry at God at times, but thankful at others, at least I got to spend some time with Elliot, some parents never get that. I go back and forth A LOT!
I pray for the day that I can think of Elliot and say his name and talk of him with smiles instead of tears.
I have found a little peace, enough that I don't breakdown everyday after work, just a few days a week now...enough that I don't feel like I'm in a constant fog, just a little fog. And I pray for this fog to lift...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
In the letter he pretty much attributes my pre-term birth to bacteria I had prior to conceiving that were living in my uterus and a severe case of GBS, which he believes my body doesn't make an anti-body to.
So his recommendation to my Doc are as follows:
Being completely recovered mentally and physically from prior birth and 3-4 regular menstrual cycles after stopping oral contraception before trying to conceive again
A round of anti-biotics before I even try to conceive again and anti-biotics at 24 and 36 weeks
Regular urine tests and treatment if GBS if apparent
Weekly progesterone shots beginning at 15 weeks
Weekly ultra sounds of my cervix and a possible cerclage, or stitch in my cervix
So although there is a plan in place, I am a nervous wreck and I am sure I will be until I deliver a full-term, healthy baby.
I also wanted to share that I had a WONDERFUL conversation with a special person that is an Angel Mommy. She doesn't share her story often, but felt comfortable enough to open up to me, which touches me to no end. Being a part of this "club" is awful, but seeing it is possible to have more, healthy babies and a "normal" life is possible. I know only time will heal my wounds and I am in the process of discovering a new normal, our conversation has given more hope than I have felt this whole journey. People can share their stories all day long, and I read SOOOO many blogs about parents and their Rainbow Babies, but having someone so close to me open up about her story has really helped my spirit!!!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
So Friday night I got my tattoo finished, I will post pictures later, I had Elliot's Hand prints and Foot prints tattooed on my back around his name, it looks pretty cool. While we were there DH found a cross he wanted, so on Saturday we went back to have his cross done, it has a ribbon wrapped around it that says "In Memory of Elliot." It's beautiful.
From the tattoo parlor, we went straight to Quality Monuments to picked out Elliot's Headstone. We had been putting it off, just for the simple fact, it was hard. We looked at a lot of stones outside, but nothing spoke to me. So we ventured inside and I saw it. A Teddy Bear. It is about 3 foot tall and perfect. Once they have it set I will take pictures of it. I know to some this might sound morbid, but it's my baby boy's!!!
We had a pretty good weekend, other than bawling the whole time at Quality Monument's, but we cried together, so it was okay.
So this week's task is to call the Dr. and find out when I need to go off the BC before be start TTC again. They want us to wait until the end of January, but want me off the pill for a while first, so the planning begins! Wish us luck!!!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
So yesterday I went to see a specialist about what happened with my pregnancy and what to do the next time around and that deserves its own blog later when I have time.
I got my tattoo finished with Elliot's Handprint and Footprints around his name and I LOVE it, I will always have a piece of him with me!!
my DH got a tattoo also this morning, it's a beautiful cross that says "In Memory of Elliot." I will post pics later too.
Then we went and bought the headstone...no one should ever have to do this for their child. We bought a beautiful Teddy Bear stone, I might post pics of it too. But having to decided what will sit over your child for eternity is hard. But as soon as DH and I saw the bear we both knew it was what we wanted...
Whooooo, what a weekend already and it's only half over!!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I will in the future try to blog when I am happy, so not everything on here about Elliot is sad and angry...it's just hard to think about him at this point in time without becoming angry, bitter or sad. And I am sure one day I will be able to think about him and smile and not cry, I pray for that day to come everyday...
Why did this have to happen to us? Russell and I are good people. We deserve a family, we did not deserve this and neither did Elliot!
I can't imagine this pain going away. It seems like so many people are naive, living their happy little lives and complaining about the day to day stuff....I know, I used to be one of those people, now I am just so angry I want to scream at everyone. I see those who just had babies complaining about sleep, I would GIVE anything to not sleep so I could have Elliot with me.
I wish God would have taken me instead. I have lived a good 26 years and Russell would have had lots of help and support!! I just want my baby boy to be alive. To experience so much. I have so much love to give to him and I can't. I would give ANYTHING for him to be here right now, including myself!!
I just can't fathom being pregnant again right now...I want to be, but I am scared as hell. I couldn't go through this again. I have had a lot of loss in my life and this just devastated me to no end. I don't know how I'm going to survive this hurt.
No one can even imagine the pain...you might be able to relate, but don't think you know what I'm going through, we are all different and experience things differently, I would never claim to know what you are going through.
And once again, please stop telling me I'll have more kids. That's great and all, but I want the one I had. How would you feel if someone came and took your baby and I said to you "That's okay, you can have more." SO FUCKING WHAT!!! I want the one I had.
I hate being this angry, but it will not leave me...I try to pretend, it doesn't work, I try to ignore, it doesn't work, I make excuses, it doesn't work!
Will I always feel this way? If so, I don't know how much more I can handle. Crying more often then smiling is hard on a person!!
Friday, October 23, 2009
I was at work and Elliot was laying on my desk. A client came in, picked him up and he started crying, only you couldn't hear it. I quickly snatched him back and held onto him.
He had his tubes in so I couldn't see all of his face which made me mad, but I'm glad God gave me the opportunity to hold my baby again....
I want to hold him more than anything in this world. Just the thought of that dream brings tears to my eyes, I want my baby boy back, more than anything in this world!!!!
We bought a new car yesterday, it's bitter-sweet, this car was supposed to be for Elliot and now he will never ride in it. I will never get to pack it full of his stuff. I will never get to run late because I am bundling him up to take him somewhere, I will never get to put him in his carseat and watch as he out grows it. I will never get to look in that rearview mirror to see his smiling face looking back at me. I will never get to hear him call me "mommy," or have my heart broken as he crys for me when I take him to his first day of school. My heart is so broken from all of these things, and these are just a few things I'll miss, I could go on forever about all that I am going to miss and it kills me inside!!!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
First let me say, there are times that I want to scream at people that my baby died, it's just this impulse that I will hopefully never do, but I think we all go through this phase.
Anyhoo, after a horrible weekend, my Monday and Tuesday were going okay. My dentist called and was able to squeeze me in. I sat and waited FOREVER after I got there.
When the dentist finally came in after the hygienist had cleaned my teeth, he ask me how my summer had went.
I reply "Kinda rough, I had a baby and he died." WTF was I thinking, it just kinda popped out of my mouth! And now I feel horrible about it.
I never should have said that to him, but I get so tired of "pretending" nothing happened just so I don't have to go into the story! It's hard for me to explain myself every time and I get tired of telling people I'm fine, because I'm not fine, I am a broken mess!!!!
My baby died, I'm a mess! That's all there is too it. No one ever can experience a loss like that of a child. All death is hard, but I carried that life inside of me, I was responsible for him and he died!
So, if I ever come unglued on you, I am apologizing now, I try my hardest not to, I fall apart at night when no one knows it so that I won't fall apart on someone at the wrong time!
I need lots of prayer lately, some days are better than others and some days I think I regress in my grief process, I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to have to will myself to get up in the mornings, I don't want to have to will myself to do everything. Everything I do anymore takes so much more energy out of me...I feel like a robot sometimes, sometimes I just go through the motions to get through the day, and I hate that!!
Here's to a better tomorrow!!
Monday, October 19, 2009
So I figure Saturday will be better. Mom and I go to a local craft show. Well, the first two people I run into start to tell me how they are sorry about the baby. That's fine, but then I get told, "It's okay, it happened for a reason and you'll have another baby." Well, SCREW YOU!!! I want the baby I had!! My Elliot, I want him, not another baby to replace him, I WANT HIM!
Then as we are walking around, I see tag blankets, start bawling and run out of the place. Get hom and relax....
Then my hubby and I decide to go to my nephews last football game. Now, if you know me and Russ, we tease each other like a couple of teenagers, picking on one another. Anyhoo, this women in front of us starts laughing and tells me I'm funny. Then she askes, "You don't have kids do you?" I answer no, because I've had a hard enough day and don't want to go into it, then she asks, "What are you waiting for, Christmas?" Well, Russ says, "Well yes we are!" I start bawling again and have to leave. Why do people have to get so personal, it's none of your damn business if we are going to have kids or not, that's our choice!! EWWWWWWWW
So then Sunday, I promise myself it will be a better day. I get ready, go to church, go and come home. Russell is in bed crying when I get home!
Oh AND I forgot Sweetest Day. Now you have to understand, I buy Russ a card and something for every holiday. AND I FORGOT for the fist time in 7 and a half years! He bought me a curling iron, which I needed, candy, a DVD and a card. And I didn't have jack for him!
So as we are laying in bed Sunday, which is how we spent the whole day, he asks me "Do you still love me?" Well that fucking broke my heart. "Of course I love you," I tell him. And he says to me that it's not like me to forget. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! I feel bad enough about forgetting...excuse me, but there is a lot going on now, it slipped, I'm sorry.
So what do I do now, I've appoligezed 100 times, but everything seems so fragile right now, I don't need a breakdown of our relationship!!!! Especially because I forgot freakin' Sweetest Day! Now I'm sure I'd be mad if he forgot, Hell I'm lucky to get a card sometimes, i didn't even get a card for our anniversary!!! EWWWWWW
On a good note though, Mike at the frame shop is going to make me prints of Elliot's feet and hands and he can clean them up some, they are smudged where they took the prints. And I want to order one of those neclaces, but they do them exactly like the pic, and I don't want a pic of my sons foot without his toe!!
Here's to a better tomorrow. I start my Physician's Weight Loss diet tomorrow, hope I don't murder someone for their Twinkie!!! LOL
Friday, October 16, 2009
I'm afraid that there is something going on that I am not aware of, like the GBS.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
That broke my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I know I think things like that and I know Russ thinks of things we will miss out on, but I didn't even think of that!
I am soooo sad, I would be having my babyshower this coming weekend and we would only be 1 and a half months from having Elliot.
He would be so loved, God, I just don't understand. We wanted a baby so bad and to have him ripped from us like this is just not fair.
I am only 26 and I am buying funeral plots for my dead baby, my husband and myself. I have to go pay the funeral home for my sons services, it just seems so morbid, I'm only 26!!!
And when I lay down at night my head goes to the same place, me with my head burried in Russell's arm and all I can hear is "and 1 and 2 and 3, and 1 and 2 and 3" over and over and over again as they try to restart Elliot's little heart. And seeing Elliot lying there, discolored with such a blank stare and his mouth hanging open, no parents should EVER have to go through anything like this EVER!!!
The raw emtion that runs through me everday is almost overwhelming, sometimes I don't know if I can even breathe.
At 26 I shouldn't have to encourage myself to get out of bed everyday to go to work, I feel like I have to lie to myself to be able to function. "It was what was best, he was so loved, you'll see him again," I don't FUCKING CARE, I just want my baby boy back!!!!
Today is going to be a long day.....
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I love to look at pictures of Elliot. (His daddy's name is Russell to so we called him Elliot)
And they make cry. I want to look at him and smile, not cry. He was the best thing that happened to us, even though he was taken to early, he was a gift!
Today is a really hard day for me. There is a lot going on with my sister, her 5 kids and psyco husband...I don't know how much more I can handle. I am trying to be strong, but I feel I am about ready to break at any moment, although I would never admit this to anyone close to me.
How do you pull yourself together? Are there a set of strings I can use to sew myself back up, to put the pieces back together? I ask myself that question a lot.
Then the guilt sets in. There are mothers who never get to see their babies alive, or they may only live for a few hours. I had 24 wonderful days with my baby, I should be greatful, but I am hurt. Why would God give us that precious time only to take Elliot away from us.
And now I have a friend in the NICU were Elliot was. We would only be a couple of beds apart and I ask why would this happen to her? Why does she have to go through this too.
And sometimes I feel like I'm so sad, I will forget him, forget the gift he was to us So I got his named tattooed (sp) on my back and I am posting a few pictures of Elliot.
I don't ever want to forget!
Monday, October 12, 2009
I had morning sickness that was like nothing I had ever experienced before, but I welcomed the end result. I took care of my body and did what I was supposed to.
Then it all started to fall apart. On August 2nd I started to have a discharge that was not normal, but had an appointment on the 6th for an ultra sound, so didn't think to much of it. At the ultra sound, we discovered we were having a baby boy and the doctor thought my discharge was normal, without checking me. On Sunday, the discharged turned bloody so I went to Labor and Delivery. They hooked me up to monitors, the nurse and doctor checked me and the first layer of my cervix had shed. They sent me home on bed rest and I was to go back Wednesday for a protein test.
Monday I was having horrible cramps all day and the doctor thought it was from where I had been checked the night before.
Then I went to the bathroom and it felt like a waterballoon burst inside of me. Called the doc again, and because I had used the bathroom at the same time my water broke, it wasn't clear and so he told me it wasn't my water. I get into the bathtub to rinse off and there is something coming out that shouldn't, I would later discover it was my sons foot.
So at 23 weeks and 2 days my Russell Elliot was born via C-section and rushed to Children's NICU. I couldn't see my baby until Friday because of my surgery.
I was scared of him at first, so little and fragile, but I fell in love instantly. I really can tell you much of what happened during those three weeks, except there was a lot of staring at him, holding his hand, I got to hold him three times.
He had bowel surger, surgery on his leg and a a shunt put in his brain.
On September 2, when I went to see him, he wasn't acting right, not moving as much. He had a new nurse and her and the doctor agreed he was acting "appropriate." But I know something was wrong. When a nurse he'd had many times came on, she immediately called the doctor, she noticed the same thing I did.
All I can tell you from that night, there were a lot of people around my baby, a lot of running back and forth, lots of crying and lots of prayers.
Then my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives, after doing chest compressions for 1 hour and being stuck with 7 epi pens, we decided he had fought long and hard enough.
We were holding our angel when he took his last breath on this Earth, 3:45am on September 3, 2009.
Life has been difficult, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to go to work every day, it's even hard to talk on the phone to anyone.
It's hard not to be jeouls of people who are pregnant and friends who are bringing healthy babies home from the hospital.
I should still be pregnant. It's hard not to blame myself, it's just hard.
My life's journey has taken this path for a reason, I truely believe that, I just wish I knew what it was.
I have Group B Strep, that's what caused everything to go haywire. I see a specialist on October 31st. And then in December, my OB is going to start me on a cleansing round of antibiotics, then we can start trying again.
I am scared. Scared that my body will fail me again, that the doctors will ignore me again, afraid of losing another precious life.
How do you go forward??