So I did something yesterday that I am not very proud of.
First let me say, there are times that I want to scream at people that my baby died, it's just this impulse that I will hopefully never do, but I think we all go through this phase.
Anyhoo, after a horrible weekend, my Monday and Tuesday were going okay. My dentist called and was able to squeeze me in. I sat and waited FOREVER after I got there.
When the dentist finally came in after the hygienist had cleaned my teeth, he ask me how my summer had went.
I reply "Kinda rough, I had a baby and he died." WTF was I thinking, it just kinda popped out of my mouth! And now I feel horrible about it.
I never should have said that to him, but I get so tired of "pretending" nothing happened just so I don't have to go into the story! It's hard for me to explain myself every time and I get tired of telling people I'm fine, because I'm not fine, I am a broken mess!!!!
My baby died, I'm a mess! That's all there is too it. No one ever can experience a loss like that of a child. All death is hard, but I carried that life inside of me, I was responsible for him and he died!
So, if I ever come unglued on you, I am apologizing now, I try my hardest not to, I fall apart at night when no one knows it so that I won't fall apart on someone at the wrong time!
I need lots of prayer lately, some days are better than others and some days I think I regress in my grief process, I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to have to will myself to get up in the mornings, I don't want to have to will myself to do everything. Everything I do anymore takes so much more energy out of me...I feel like a robot sometimes, sometimes I just go through the motions to get through the day, and I hate that!!
Here's to a better tomorrow!!