Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Being Polite

So I did something yesterday that I am not very proud of.
First let me say, there are times that I want to scream at people that my baby died, it's just this impulse that I will hopefully never do, but I think we all go through this phase.
Anyhoo, after a horrible weekend, my Monday and Tuesday were going okay. My dentist called and was able to squeeze me in. I sat and waited FOREVER after I got there.
When the dentist finally came in after the hygienist had cleaned my teeth, he ask me how my summer had went.
I reply "Kinda rough, I had a baby and he died." WTF was I thinking, it just kinda popped out of my mouth! And now I feel horrible about it.
I never should have said that to him, but I get so tired of "pretending" nothing happened just so I don't have to go into the story! It's hard for me to explain myself every time and I get tired of telling people I'm fine, because I'm not fine, I am a broken mess!!!!
My baby died, I'm a mess! That's all there is too it. No one ever can experience a loss like that of a child. All death is hard, but I carried that life inside of me, I was responsible for him and he died!
So, if I ever come unglued on you, I am apologizing now, I try my hardest not to, I fall apart at night when no one knows it so that I won't fall apart on someone at the wrong time!
I need lots of prayer lately, some days are better than others and some days I think I regress in my grief process, I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to have to will myself to get up in the mornings, I don't want to have to will myself to do everything. Everything I do anymore takes so much more energy out of me...I feel like a robot sometimes, sometimes I just go through the motions to get through the day, and I hate that!!
Here's to a better tomorrow!!


  1. Love you Brandy. If you ever need someone to vent to, yell at, cry with or just talk to give me a call and I will listen to ya without any judgements.
    Love ya

  2. Brandy, I just noticed that you were following my blog and I stopped by to check out yours. I am so sorry for your loss. Elliot was so beautiful. As I read through your posts it all sounds so familiar to me. Do not apologize for your feelings or your reactions on this subject. We all grieve differently and react to things in our own way. I am still learning this lesson myself. Im looking forward to getting to know you a little better, and Im so sorry that we're on this road together but its comforting knowing that we are not alone. *Hugs*