Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Latest Doctor's appt.

So I went back to the doctor's today...although I was for sure some force was trying to prevent me from going...locked the keys in the car and couldn't find my wallet with my new insurance card anywhere! Thankfully my life saver Lori took me to my appointment and I finally found my wallet after a frantic 45 minute search.
And can I say I hate yearlies?!?! And breast exams, geesh! Russ is a boob man and doesn't even yank 'em around that much!! LOL
So things looked good, considering I hadn't been checked since I left the hospital after Elliot was born. He of course wants me to lose weight, I knew that was coming, he wants me to exercise, continue to de-stress my life and have a much fun as possible, he says doing all of this will increase fertility, well if only it were that easy...I go back on October 2nd and regardless we will start Clomid, if I haven't gotten preggo on my own, so he's telling me. A little over 2 more months. He wants us to get preggo without medicine if possible, which I see his point.
And I am actually not as upset this time with him telling us to wait as I had prepared myself for. Russ got a call for a face to face interview for that job. It was funny, the call came just a few hours before we left for Vegas, so we are supper excited. And if he gets the job, that will relieve a lot of stress. Plus it will give me time to get even better at my new job and hopefully making more money, in turn, less stress. So the thought of waiting 2 more months isn't so bad....
I know God has a plan, and I am not as angry as I thought I would be. I guess I am finally coming to terms with the way things work, it will happen when it happens and I am going to play along...I just hope this new patience thing I am going through now lasts...LOL

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Almost our last first...kind of

So the Fourth of July....I wonder if Elliot would have liked the fireworks or if he would have been scared. I did not participate in the holiday this year, I just didn't have it in me. And I broke down big time.
This is almost our last first, kind of...Halloween, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of Elliot's first birthday, August 10th... and I say kind of almost our last first because there are still so many things we will never experience for the first time, crying, smiles, words, steps, fights, kisses, groundings, funny things he would have said, first baby food, real food...I could go on forever....God, it's still so heartbreaking....all things he had and will never experience. I really have no words right now, just tears.
I don't have anything special in mind yet for Elliot's first birthday, just making it through the day without completely losing it....that's my plan for now.
Next year I would like to make dinner for the residents of the Ronald McDonald house on his birthday....If I would have thought of it sooner, we would do it this year, but because of time and of course money, I think it will be good to do next year. Plus I am not sure how I would handle being back there right heart is so heavy right now...I don't think I have ever been at such a loss for words.....they used to pour, and now nothing....
I have lost so much of myself in the last spark, a real smile and my husband informed me I lost my cockiness, and it's true...I used to say bring it on, now I feel like a beaten puppy with its tail constantly between its legs...I have lost my spark and most of my confidence...I will find it again, I hope...but for now it's somewhere out there waiting for me...
We have survived almost our last first...kind of...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I know it's been forever, but I have been very busy.
The "new" job is still's amazing actually enjoying going to work, I haven't felt that feeling for so long, I didn't know if it was possible.
So much is going on now even....
I am on day 66 of my current cycle and started Prometrium last about crzy dream, damn they were nuts! I haven't noticed any difference, so that's good, I just wish AF would come.
Isn't it funny how we pray for one thing on minute and something different the next.
I wish AF was gone because I was pregnant, not because of problems, so now I want her to make a speedy return...
I have been in a funk that I seriously need to ditch. I HAVE got to lose some weight, the doc will not start fertility meds unless I do, so I get depressed about being over weight, about having to lose weight and everything in between....IDK
So have any of you ladies taken Prometrium? Can it help me get pregnant? My doc didn't give me a whole lot of info, it was called in....

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Today is day 45 of my cycle, it has never been this long. BFN HPT's every time and a BFN Blood Serum test. So why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just catch a break for once? I know most of you have been in this boat and asked the same questions...
So now I am freaking out that there is seriously something wrong with me...Like I said, I have never went this long before, other than being pregnant.
How many times can I go through this...I blame myself really, I get all excited, and for what, just to be let down again. We even stopped TTC this last month because I wanted to not stress out so much....
All I want is to complete my family...Is that really so much to ask for?
How many times can my heart be broken before there are no pieces left to put it back together...
So now I get to play the waiting game to see what the hell is wrong now....
I have no words for the sadness I feel at this very moment in my life....

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I know, it's been a while...

I know it's been a while since I have visited blog land, and thank you to the ladies that have emailed to check up on me, that is too sweet for words.
But as I said before, I had to pull myself away for a while. I was so caught up in my grief, and was grieving for every women I saw on here, I couldn't take it anymore.
I am in a better place now, for a lot of reasons.
I started my new job, and can say it is WONDERFUL! I enjoy going to work. I am scared to death of making mistakes, which I have done, but no one is perfect, right? I have discovered the people I worked for for 10 years, are not at all what I thought they were, or had made them out to be in my mind. It makes me sad and angry for more reasons than I have time to go into here!

Here's the funny thing mom came over for dinner last night...and out of the blue she asks me if I have been drinking? WTF? I haven't drank for quite some time, it's not something I do on a regular basis. I actually laughed so hard at her that I started choking and got sick! When I asked what in the world made her ask that, she said, "You haven't stopped grinning since I walked in the door." So I thought for a minute and was like damn, have I been that miserable for that long? And I told her, "It's amazing how you feel when you aren't stressed out all the time." :-)
This new chapter in my life scares the hell out of me. I don't like change, I HATE change, but in this case, I now regret I didn't do it sooner. Then of course all those other thoughts start to come along, like, was it because I was stressed all the time? If I had quit sooner, would he have lived? What would Mother's Day have been like if he were here? Would we have just pretended that it was another Sunday, like any other Sunday? Then reality hits me and I remember to stop torturing myself with these questions, it only hurts....
On to better things:
We shipped our first box of blankets to the NICU at OSU.
A big thanks to my momma and to Lori. With their help we shipped 20 blankets.

I participated in the March of Dimes. My team was wonderful and so were all of my friends and family. We raised a little over $800.00 which I think was pretty good considering it was our first year! I can't wait to do it again next year!
We even made shirts for our team Elliot's Angels. Thanks to Lori! (God what would I do without her????)

So now we wait for July to start on Clomid...Anyone have any tips or information that they can give me about Clomid? I am going into detail here, so just a warning...Aunt flow comes on a regular basis, she always has, but apparently I don't ovulate...So how long did you take Clomid before you got pregnant again? How many BLM have had to take Clomid to get pregnant again? Just any real life info would be great!

Doc wants me to lose weight before I see him in July, I know I need to, but at the moment I am struggling with this...

I am going to ask for some prayers here...DH is had applied for another job within his company...please pray for us that he gets this job...Thank you.

And if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, I will do another post answering them. I tend to be an over-sharer anyway, so don't be afraid to ask....the thing is, just know I am going to answer and be truthful, so be ready for that!!

Lots of love!


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Spilling the beans...

It has been a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time since I posted last, I apologize for that, but there has been A LOT going on in my life, and I had to hold my tongue, until now!
So first off, I quit my job! I worked for WWJM for 9 years 8 months and 3 days, WOW, what a long time. I loved my job, but there were too many other factors that made me start to hate it. Without saying too much, let's just say, there was a TON of back stabbing, thinking with heads below the belt and MORE backstabbing.
When my boss "hired" back his soon to be ex-wife, the same women suing the station for wrongful termination, I decided, enough was enough. (He later blamed me for this, saying my "personal problems" had "cascaded down" and he didn't want to lose what he worked 26 years for. Mind you, I am not a sales person, so I don't generate money for the station, I am a behind the scenes girl, I kept things running smoothly, needless to say, I did my job, the right commercials always ran and clients got their bills on time, so NONE of any of whatever down fall happened or happens has ANYTHING to do with my "personal problems" or work for that matter.) Can you tell I'm slightly bitter?
Anyhoo, I am off to bigger and better things. I am going to work for an online ticket broker. (here comes the pug), for any event tickets; sports, concerts, theatre, all across the US, Canada, Mexico and even some over seas. Make sure to visit our website if you need anything!
I am excited for my new job, I can't wait to dig in! And not having to deal with other peoples SHIT day in and day out will be such a nice change of pace. And the people I am going to work with seem really cool, so I'm excited to get to know them better. I have lots of opportunity for advancement and to make more money, what more could a girl ask for??
On the baby front....after a myriad of tests, we have discovered my progesterone is low, we kind of already knew this, but another test confirmed it...Apparently you can have a regular period every month and not my doc doesn't want to see until July, and I have to lose weight before then...FUN! He wants to see if weight loss will stimulate ovulation, which makes sense. I see him July 14th and if I'm not preggo by then, then we will start talking Clomid. So we definitely won't be welcoming baby Miller in 2010....
I pray God blesses us with a little one! I hope, I hope, I hope.....
Lot's of love to everyone, I will be blogging more, once I get acclimated to the new job.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A New Person....

So, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging. I was finding myself so caught up in my grief and everyone else's that I could not function. I would stay up all night long going over everything that happened...punishing myself for not doing more, going over the "what if I had done this different" and so on....I also found myself so wrapped up in everyone else's story, I wasn't living my real life....please, oh please don't take this the wrong way. I love each and every one of my blog friends, but what I was doing was unhealthy for me and I needed to find a way to control it. And I think I have found that balance. While I still read everyone's blogs and empathize with each of you, I have finally quit comparing my story to yours, I have quit the "well if we would have known this, that or the other, things would have been different." It's true, they would have been different, but why in the HELL was I expecting myself to know better and beating myself up for not knowing what I know could I have known? So now I would like to introduce you all to the new me, I sort of resemble the old me, only I believe I am now slightly broken, but put back together the best way possible.
My name is Brandy. My first born and only child, Russell Elliot was born at just 23 weeks and 2 days. He lived for 24 wonderfully scary days!
I go to work everyday and HATE to do housework. I am addicted to the internet and I love to laugh. I love to have fun and be surrounded by friends. My husband and I LOVE to ride our Harley.
We miss our son with all of our hearts. He has forever changed who we are. We both have tattoo's to honor his memory. We have a "memorial" dedicated to him in our home which we pass and look at several times a day. We talk about Elliot often, we cry and laugh about the time we spent with him. We now donate to more charities than we both ever thought we had the money to do. Myself, Elliot's Grandma and Godmother make blankets for other preemies who don't make it. I have started a March for Babies Team in Elliot's honor. I have soooo many wonderful family and friends. We are trying to get pregnant again, not to replace Elliot, but to grow our family. We believe we would make awesome parents and can't wait for the chance. Right now our children are our pet, Gonzo the cat and Sassy the Dog...this is us...
Now let me introduce you to some wonderful people in my life, why should I keep them to myself any more?
Staci..Staci always calls or texts to check on me, she always has and always will, not matter what she is doing she always makes herself available to me and does whatever is in her power to help with whatever she can. She is an awesome human being, and not even a blood relative...she is an angel!
Lori, I gushed about Lori in another post, but no one could ask for a friend better than Lori and she is not a blood relative either....Can you believe that I have two cousins lucky enough to have married these angels?
Sarah, I have known Sarah for some time. She gets me. I can be as honest with Sarah as I am myself and she understands. If you ever catch us sitting in the corner pointing at you and laughing, then yes, we are probably talking about and making fun of you...that is just who we are. We are comfortable enough with ourselves to see our own flaws and laugh hysterically at them too!
Sami , I have known Sam since we were in first grade. Sam is about as down to Earth as you will get, she will tell you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not...she tries to be nice about it, but it's Sam! LOL And I love her for this! She has a great sense of humor and a love that is never ending!
Audra, I have known Audra about as long as I have known Sam...I haven't talked to her much of lately, but I hope she knows that I love her as much today as I ever have. Audra would give you the shirt off her back and the shoes off her feet if it would help you. And I just know that she loves that baby boy of hers so much she can't breath sometimes. I unfortunately have been so selfish with my grief, I don't know for sure, I have let distance and grief come between us, but if Audra is the same girl I grew up with, I would put money on it.
Lori S. Although I have only gotten to know Lori in the past year, I love her dearly. She is honest and raw, she is not afraid to share herself with you and let you see who she really is, take it or leave it, she is honest and so very beautiful for it!
My sister, WOW, my sister is the strongest woman I know...she has been through so much and yet, she finds a way to smile....she has done so much for me I can never even begin to describe or thank her for it all!
My Mom...that is another WOW, I can't even begin to describe my feelings for my mom. She is another strong woman in my life, I think she might even be stronger than my sister....and I could never express with words my gratitude for all she has done for me or for the love I feel for her.
My hubby, I love him with every single piece of my heart. My heart still skips a beat when I see his # on my caller id, like a giddy little school girl. He makes me feel like a princess. He loves me at my best and still loves me when I throw dishes at him for no apparent reason. (Which I haven't done for a while, and I'm sure he's happy about that) He excepts and loves me unconditionally even when I feel I don't deserve it. He doesn't judge me, he only loves me.
I could go on and on with friends and family, Michael, Luci, Bob and Julie, Pam and Chris, Rick and Tracy, aunt TT and the list goes on and on...These people are in my life because I choose for them to be here, that is what makes our bonds so special. I don't need any of them and they don't need me, but for whatever reason we each have chosen to be part of each others lives, and nothing will change that. They are all angels in my eyes, my Earthly Angels! And I am luck and thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.
I have discovered I have so much more to be thankful for and to be happy about than I do to cry about.
I miss Elliot, and I will forever cry when that pain gets to hard and takes my breath away...that pain will dull but never disappear, but I was letting myself become something I am not. I have changed in a lot of ways, I see most of them being positive...
Anyhoo that is the new me, the broken and put back together the best way I know how me. The me that will still be upset and cry when I get that BFN, I will cry when I think about my dear sweet baby boy who is in heaven. But life is too short to be bitter and angry. And although a sadness will always linger within me, it will not take me over. I have a choice. A choice I have made to let me be me, whoever I shall be. Love me or leave me, that is your choice. But I choose happiness, no matter what is thrown my way. My life path will be full of love, laughter, heartbreak, death, good times and bad, it will be full of potholes and hills of gold...and I accept that.
Thanks for taking the time to meet the "new" me and those that I choose to be part of my life, I hope we can still be friends!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Please Come Walk With Me

I have started a team for our local March of Dimes Walk that will be May 2, 2010 in Zanesville. If you are in the area and would like to join team "Elliot's Angels," please follow the link below and join us! The more the merrier!
If you can't walk but would like to make a donation to our team, you can do that too at the link below.
My goal for our team isn't very high, this being my first year and starting a little late I didn't set the goal too high in fear of getting frazeled about it!
So if you can help awesome, even prayers that we raise money for this wonderful orginization would be greatly appreciated!!
Thank you,
Elliot's Mommy

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I have to start this post of with a HUGE thanks to one of my best friends! LORI, you are more special to me than I think you will ever know or realize. For those of you who don't know Lori, she is the most giving, understand and amazing women I have ever met. She is a wonderful friend, wife (Well you'll have to ask her hubby, but I bet he'd agree) and mother. I only hope I can be as good a mother to my children as she is to hers!
Lori has been there through everything with Russ and I. We have a very special bond that only we understand. We can go forever without talking and pick right back up like only seconds went by since our last conversation.
She is helping with and the driving force behind the blankets for the NICU, it was her kindness that lead to this project.
And of course, she did it again!
We were together last Friday night, I had had a shitty day....she stole me away to give me a gift. She gave me two tubes of Pineapple Chapstick. Now why is this so amazing? Because she remembered...she remembered that I had said that Elliot always smelled like Pineapple Chapstick. I don't know why he did, he just did and she remembered! Now I can smell Elliot whenever I want some of you this might seem silly, but it means the world to me! And it's funny how something so insignificant could touch my heart so deeply, but only Lori knew what it meant to me and got it! And I needed it at that moment and there it was....

Boys, boys, seems like everyone around me is pregnant with and having little boys...bitter, yes, do I want to be bitter, no...and I won't be forever....
Babyshowers...bitter? yes because I never got mine for Elliot, do I want to be, no
Birthday coming up...bitter? yes, because my birthday marks six months that Elliot has been gone.
Not being pregnant yet...bitter? yes, duh and don't tell me to stop trying it will happen... as much as I hope it does, we really don't know that, and unless you have had motherhood literally ripped from your hands, don't say that to me even if I ask your opinion. You can sit with your healthy baby and talk to me until you are blue in the won't make a difference about how I feel.
I hate feeling that way, but that's how I feel. I have pulled away from several friends, I don't talk to them like I used to because I am afraid this venom will spill out of my mouth and really hurt someone, I would never want to hurt someone I love, but sometimes I talk without thinking, especially if I am upset....
So today I am having a bitter type of day, tomorrow I will probably regret everything I just typed, but these are the feelings of a grieving mother, so deal with it, I have to!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It was supposed to be his room....

We bought an Elliptical, I seriously need to lose weight...and instead of putting it in the spare room in the basement (it'd be to hard to walk up and down the steps to exercise, LOL) we put it in the spare bedroom, the room that supposed to be Elliot's.
Of course I was fine when I started to put stuff away, Elliot's memory box and stuffed teddy and other small things. Then I found a laundry basket from "that weekend," the weekend when everything happened and it had all of the red baby clothes I had bought for Elliot, including a very cute Christmas outfit, in it. And in good old Brandy fashion, I SHOVED them into a drawer to close, instead of folding them neatly or hanging them neatly, I SHOVED them away. The same way I manage to SHOVE my feelings deep down most days. But today, I let myself go. I stood in that empty room that was once awaiting a baby, now awaiting an exercise machine, and cried. And I cried and sobbed...but it's ok, I haven't done that for a while.
Life has been rough the last five months, I can truly say that. But I still remind myself, as bad as we have had it lately, we still have sooooo much more than a lot of people. And while this doesn't make it any better, it does pull me back to reality. Although there are many days I want to lay in bed all day, I want the world to stop spinning and just grieve for as long as I want, without interruption, I can't, it doesn't work that way. So I get up, paint a smile on my face, most days, and go about my business.
And isn't if funny how grief steals things from us and makes us petty? Here's my example. I have been invited to quite a few baby shower's lately, I have declined to go. I can't do it right now and the girls are so nice and understanding. And each has said they weren't sure whether to invite me or not...I am upset for being invited, I never got my baby shower, but on the other hand, I would be REALLY upset if I hadn't been invited....and it makes me feel petty and very angry at this grief.
And so is my letter to grief.

Dear grief,
Why do you come and go? I know you are there, lurking in the corner, why not stick around for the whole party, get it done and over with?
Grief, you are selfish and I don't like it, you have turned me into something I'm not. You have turned a happy, joy-filled person into a bitter and jealous women.
You have made me learn to much in to little time and for this I despise you. I hate it that you sneak up on me, in my small moment of happiness, only to steal the smile from my face. I hate how you turn my eyes into waterfalls for no apparent reason. I hate is especially when you lash out at my husband for no reason other than to make yourself known.
But I also know you are not going anywhere, and I have to deal with you. So to you I say "Bring it on!" Bring on the waterworks, the jealousy, the bitterness. Because I know the better I learn to deal with you, the better person I will be. I know that before long, you will not steal my smile as often, you will look at someone else's baby and smile...that day will come and I know it.
So just know Grief, I am here, you will not control my life anymore!
Elliot's Mommy

And on a final note, I haven't posted for a while because I feel in limbo...not sure exactly where, just like I don't belong anywhere, and I am sure you have felt this before.
I got a BFN last week. And as hard as I prayed for the Positive Pregnancy Test Fairy to grant my wish, old, bitter and unwelcome Aunt Flow came instead. So now I am trying to focus on losing weight, hence the elliptical, instead of being so baby crazy.
And I leave you with a question...
Please tell me if I am not alone... has having a Rainbow ever completely consumed your every waking moment? And how do you stop it from consuming your life?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Sadness and Solace

My husbands mother died early this morning of a heart-attack...I come to you and ask for prayers for my hubby. I hope his heart does not get to heavy to handle this latest test from above...
And just when I am feeling tested, He sends me a sign that He is still a good God. Today that came in the form of a picture from Lisa. I will post them later, but Thank You Lisa, they are beautiful.
I leave you with this.... from my dear friend Alicia!
Have you ever wondered how a preemie mommy is chosen?
You ever wonder how mothers of premature babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint. . .give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel." "But does she have the patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it. "I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy." "But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side." "And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."


"A Mother has a baby" This we know is true "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?" "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay." "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With all the other children and say... 'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.' "So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I haven't blogged for a while with reason. I felt like the only time I have blogged is when I am depressed, and I'm not always depressed and I don't want to become that person...the one who only opens her mouth to complain. Don't get me wrong, I am that person, but I am tired of her!!

I had a total meltdown at 1:30am Tuesday, not fun...I was laying in bed and didn't even have the strength to hide from DH this time...then I felt bad for wailing so loud I woke him up....not sure what brought it on...
I am feeling better...went to therapy Wednesday...I really like this guy, he seems to know his stuff and is not a stuffed-shirt I was expecting, not sure why, just was.

I am excited this morning...I should be asleep but I feel like a kid at Christmas. The fertility monitor showed a peak sign this morning! I want to shout it from the roof...not because I am so excited about getting pregnant this month, just happy something isn't wrong with me. After last month, I thought maybe I wasn't ovulating and was completely freaking out, thinking that there was something wrong.
Now, I know there is a good chance it's going to take a couple of months to get pregnant, but that fact that I finally hit that peak sign makes me happy, that is one step forward!!!

I have been wanting to post this stuff for a while, but here are some freebies I have found that might interest you!

The first if for two free touch-ups for your angel baby. This place is awesome! I had it done and love the fact that I now have some pics of Elliot without the tubes and without the bruises, he looks even more perfect than before, if that is possible!
Anyhoo here is the link:

Here are Elliot's before and after pics....




The next thing I want to share is for those of you pregnant with your rainbow, or if you are trying for a rainbow, book mark this site for when you get pregnant. This site lends out dopplers to high risk women and/or women that have miscarried or have a stillborn or neonatal death. FOR FREE! Your doc has to write you a script, but I am hoping your doc is sensitive enough to do this for you!
Here is the link:

And lastly,, is offering coupons from Canvas on Demand. It's a $60.00 coupon, you only pay like $14.00 for shipping, and it is awesome! I got mine over the weekend and I LOVE IT!! It's perfect!

I hope you find this useful!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


So a friend of mine posted a question on his Facebook page, after answering it, I kind of feel bad...
Question: " Have you ever just answered yes to a question because it was easier than getting into it by saying no? Please give examples...."

My answer: " hmmmm.....a lot lately, actually it's the reverse for me, a lot when I am asked if I have children, sometimes it's just easier to say no, then I don't create the awkwardness when they start asking about how old they are and I have to explain he has died....saves a lot of headache sometimes...and emotions...i know that sounds so wrong...."

So now I ask, have you found yourself doing this? I admit I did it a lot...Sometimes just to avoid the awkwardness....and some days I just wait for people to ask me so that I can tell them my story and about my baby. It just depends on what kind of mood I am in, is this wrong?
I don't want to ignore Elliot or forget about him, and I speak of him often...and I am actually getting better about spouting off the short version of what happened without being obliterated to tears...but some days I just don't have it in me to go through all of it....

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Desperate? Maybe...

Okay, so in the past few days, I have ordered Pre-Seed and Softcups, made my hubby buy a zinc supplement and am listening to hypno-therapy for conception...Desperate you might say...Being well informed and prepared, I say!
I hope it's not all a bunch of hype, but I am willing to try what I have to. I even talk to Elliot and ask him to help mommy have a baby brother or sister, is that wrong? I want Elliot to be with us every part of the way, he is the big brother and I would hope he would be the "protector" whether on earth or in heaven...and I am hoping he is in heaven with his sibling, teaching him or her lots things before they are sent to us on this earth....
Call me crazy if you want to.....I will let you know how it works....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

BFN Enough Said!

So the fertility monitor that has been on HIGH for 13 days showed LOW this morning. And since my cycles have been 27-28 days since having Elliot, I decided to take a HPT today on day 25 of my cycle and got a BFN!!!
Now, I am not totally giving up hope, my cycle was screwy before Elliot was born, so we will wait and see and take another HPT this weekend if AF doesn't visit before then.
I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up so I wouldn't be disappointed, but inside I was PRAYING, HOPING and WISHING for that BFP!!
I go to see a therapist this afternoon and am nervous. I went to one after my dad died and it didn't help, but I am praying that maybe he can do something to help me sleep without meds. I think I have tried everything else....warm milk, melatonin pills, another herbal remedy called Sleep Essentials, Tylenol PM, Xanax, lavender in my pillow case, warm bath, warm bath with lavender...nothing seems to work, even the benadryl that used to put me out like a light only works for about an hour or so...even then my dreams are so vivid I don't feel rested.
Now I did sleep a lot on Monday and yesterday, but I was sicker than a dog! I think my body totally hates me! I have had both flu shots, but my body is sooooo wore down that I am getting sick A LOT! I hate being sick, I don't do sick very well. I am a BIG BABY and I don't have time to be sick, there are more important things to do!! One year my boss paid me out for a year and a half of vacation days that I didn't use, just because I hate missing work....
Sorry for the rant, just frustrated today and hoping that this therapy works. I am sceptical but trying to keep an open mind!

AF Showed up yesterday morning, so we will try the fertility monitor another month and see what happens.
And as far as the was great! I have actually slept two nights in a row. Dr. Wolfgang is wonderful and I will be continuing my sessions until I feel I no longer need it. In just one hour he helped me work through a few things, imagine what he can do if I keep going back! May God bless him...I couldn't do his job, do you realize this man mostly gets to hear the horrible things that happen to people on a daily basis...Anyhoo, I would recommend therapy if you can find a good one...

Monday, January 11, 2010

Your Prayers Worked! Thank You

My GF called and told me that the baby DOES NOT have anecephaly! YEAH!!! There is a possibility of a growth, but they said it could also be an ear! Who are these doctors! But the brain and skull are developing and working just fine!
Thank you all sooo very much for your prayers!


Okay, My cousin and I are making blankets for the local NICU and unfortunately the blankets we are making will be for angel baby's.
I want to make a card to attach to each of the blankets, but I am not sure what to say.
Any ideas, poems, bible versus, or sayings that comforted you in your time of need, please send my way. I want to make various cards, because not everyone finds comfort in God, but I want to be able to comfort these families in some small way.
You help with this project is much appreciated.
Brandy and Lori

Friday, January 8, 2010

Obsession and Wondering

So I have become OBSESSED with peeing on things!! LOL Peeing on fertility monitor stick of all sorts and pretty soon on HPT sticks...I have already bought them, just impatiently waiting to use them. Trying to get pregnant again has CONSUMED my life... What did I do before or obsess about before this? ...How did I even function before? What did I do to fill time?
And I hate my body. Please don't beat me up for saying this, but I feel like it is one big hunk of doo-doo! I feel like it has failed me soooooo much in the past year and I am still very angry about it! I have tried taking good care of my body, but it's not returning the favor...and not I am not psychotic, just overwhelmed I guess...
And I have a question for you BLM's in blogger land, is what is happening to us more common than we knew before now, or am I just really under a "dead baby cloud?" Don't take that the wrong way but I feel like everyone around me is miscarrying, having fertility problems or something has happened to their little ones. Maybe my eyes were just closed before now because it didn't concern me? I don't know....but I really don't like it. It's bad enough that I am going through this, but to have people I know and love go through it too? Just isn't right!
Does anyone else ever feel like their memories are fading? I want so bad to hold onto them so much, but feel like my mind is failing me...Like I can't remember the small details I used or they are more foggy than they used to be...and this is sooooo upsetting.
I never want to forget that my sweet Elliot smelled like pineapple chap stick (I don't know why, but he did) Or the way my heart skipped when he held my finger with his tiny little hand, or the day that he opened his eyes and said hello to the world, the same day DH got to hold him and was scared out of his mind, the sweat dripping down his forehead and the look on his face...And although right now I do remember all of this, it feels like an old photograph with a light haze covering everything...
Boy I hope I am not committed for this post, and no I am not smoking any pot!! LOL
I just don't ever want to forget!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award

First off, thank you to Susan at for the nomination, this is my very first blogger award and I am honored!
The rules are simple: just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award...
1. I have lost many people in my short life and death does not really have the effect on me that it used to. I am in no way immune to the sadness of it all, I just look at things in a completely different light. I lost my dad 2 weeks before my 18th birthday and my mom had to make the decision to take him off of life support. In 2002 my best friend, Gavin Neighbor was killed in Iraq fighting for your and my freedom and a few years ago my I watched as my uncle, who affectionately called me Noodle 2, took his last breath... and of course my darling Elliot, and the sad thing, those are only a few losses....
2. I didn't really like my mom much when I was younger and now I don't know what I'd do without her! We talk at least once, if not more, daily.
3. I have an incessant need to make people happy, which I am in the process of getting over. I have started to "trim the so-called fat" from my life and am feeling better than I have in a LONG time!
4. I am a total nerd/geek and should have glasses with tape holding them together...I love anything electronic! I love to read and problem solve, do math in my head and I LOVE it when I look like a genius to my hubby and at work! I like tearing apart my computer when it doesn't work, and I will research anything for hours at a time if I am interested in it!
5. I am messy and I hate housework!!! My house usually looks like a tornado has gone through it and I have no clue how DH's stands it. Because as messy as our house is and as much as I hate to clean, I also totally hate clutter and messes!! (I know, not right!!) My desk at work is always nice and tidy before I leave at night!
6. I do not go to church on a regular basis, but I believe I am a pretty religious person. I don't need to go to church to talk to God. I also believe in heaven and hell and also in signs from above.
7. I hate stupid people and I hate even more when people act stupid just to get attention. BUT if you can make me laugh without being ignorant, we will be friends for life!!
My nominations are:
I hate only picking 7 because you are all so precious to me and my journey in this new normal!!

Monday, January 4, 2010


My BF since grade school just called me. She got some grim news today at her US. The doc saw a "sack." They are telling her it could be anecephaly...And I know from reading Holly and Lisette's blogs what this means for her and her baby if this what it turns out to be.
They are also telling her it could be a fluid sack or the yolk sack, PLEASE, PLEASE pray that this is the case. I DO NOT want my BF to join this club. I wish none of us were here, but to have someone so close to me in this place makes me sooooooo sick!
She has another US on Monday and will find out for sure, I will keep you posted.
Thank you for your prayers.

The cost of being pregnant....

I know I shouldn't complain, but I went to buy more sticks for the fertility monitor and after having been to 4 different places, I finally found them and "OUCH" said my wallet. I am so excited to pee on this damn stick every morning and I would have bought them no matter how much they cost, but why does it seem that those who are the most desperate have to pay more for EVERYTHING. And at this point I am desperate to get pregnant again...And fertility drugs or monitor to help you get pregnant in the first place is just ridiculously expensive...Weight Loss products, expensive....finding a mate on the Internet, I have heard is expensive...WHY?
Simple, they know we are desperate and willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get the result we want, no matter what it might be....
On another note, I went to a local pharmacy to have Elliot's retouched pictures printed out...that's another post....and when I was checking out, the lady was counting my pictures and said very sarcastically, "oh, how cute." Mind you sarcasm was just dripping from her mouth as she uttered those words. I was about ready to reach across the counter and strangle her with her own friggin vest. I was also waiting for her to ask me one of "those" usual questions...luckily she didn't and I left the store on my own accord, not in hand-cuffs....
So I am waiting for the friggin' peek sign to show up on this monitor, I am wondering if it will work, for some reason my luck is the pits. And for some reason, I feel this has nothing to do with timing, science, want or will, but rather luck. And luck is something I have never had much of, so with that, I am keeping everything crossed and hoping for the best!
I also wanted to thank all of my blog friends. Your friendship, comments and your own personal blogs mean so much to me. I shutter to think of where I would be on this journey without all of your love and support and for that I am most grateful!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

....and I grant you three wishes.

So I thought this would be a fun way to start out the new year!

I am making myself the 2010 wish fairy. And along with this I am also granting each and every blogger three wishes. (Since I have that kind of power and all!!! LOL I am a Pisces, always the dreamer....)

These wishes can be a fantasy or as obtainable as you would like them to be. You only get three! The only condition, you must grant three wishes to all of your blog readers!

Wishes for ForeverElliotsMommy:

1. I wish for a healthy pregnancy and baby in 2010! (as I am sure many of us do!)

2. I wish to have my credit score back to a decent number by 2011!(Maybe there is such thing as a credit fairy!! LOL)

3. I wish I could see myself through my DH's eyes. I want to know what he sees when he looks at me, what he feels and what he thinks. Does his heart still skip a beat when he comes home and I am there, like mine does? Does his heart still race every time we kiss, like mine does? I know it's a silly wish and I don't doubt his love for me, I just have always wanted to see myself through his eyes!

So now I grant you three wishes and pass you the magic wand to grant three wishes to your blog readers.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Not baby related

So, I am having a tuff time. Some people pretty close to me are getting divorced and I feel in the middle of's weird.
I found out a lot of stuff about someone I thought I knew. She was so fake and pretended to be something she sooooooo isn't. And I feel bad for him for being left in the dark for so long. Now, no one is without blame in situations like this, it just sucks to feel like you are in the middle of some one's disaster...and the kids are soooo blinded it's not funny, if they only knew what she had done....
We are TTC again and I really don't need this stress...The doc thinks stress contributed a lot to my pre-term labor, although I have never told anyone this before now....after I told him everything that was going on at the time....he told me to de-stress my life to make things easier on the I have tried. And my life is stress free until she pops in and stirs up shit!!! ARRRRGHHHHHH! I just need to scream and let off some steam!
BTW this is the same women who I thought was a friend, tell me this though. If you were my friend, would you have me subpoenaed to court less than 2 weeks after my child DIED?? And I really didn't need to be there! Didn't think so, some friend, right! (see where this stress was coming from!) And people wonder why I have changed!! GEEEEEESH
So here's to living, not surviving and a stress free tomorrow, well technically a stress free later today!! :-)