Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I don't want to quit reading and I won't but wow, as bad as DH and I have had it, it could be way worse!!
So how do you politely tell friends that your baby isn't replaceable? I'm still hearing "you will have anther one" or, or, "wait til you have kids."
Well, I do have a child, he's just in heaven and while I hope to have another baby one day, I want everyone to know it won't make the pain I feel for the loss of Elliot any less. I will still be as devastated as I am now...could you imagine your baby dying? Didn't think so.....
Not to sound so bitter today, but there are just so many emotions that I don't know what to think anymore. And it's pretty bad when you are trying your best to fake it, and your boss is the only one that notices something isn't quite right...I have sort of secluded myself from the world for the time being, only letting a select few in on the me who isn't faking it....I have to say, I have gotten pretty good, most people don't notice I'm still dying inside! And that's okay with me....
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
I asked if he thought I had an incompetent cervix, he said he wasn't sure but didn't think so. We went over "the plan" and he told me I would be watched like hawk.... I wanted to ask, "WTF wasn't I watched like a hawk the first time? WTF are we all not watched like hawks the whole way?" I know it's impossible to think that could happen, but think of all of us that would still have our precious children....It irks me.
But regardless, we got the go-ahead. I was informed that I WOULD be put on bed rest no matter what this time...So I get to have that conversation with my boss tomorrow. I just want everyone prepared, I AM going to be a pain in the a$$ this time and I don't care. I was so worried about being a hypo. the last time, I didn't listen to my body. I'm pretty sure my boss is going to be totally cool about the whole thing, he's pretty cool about everything, it just makes me nervous....
I am keeping the good news from my mom though and it kills me. BUT I don't want to hear the "your not ready's" or the "it hasn't been long enough's" I don't care what anyone else thinks. Russ and I had a LONG conversation and we are both ready!
DH was ready right away, before Elliot had even passed he was talking about TTC again, that freaked me out!! But now, he had better watch it!!!! LOL
MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Picture from Mike Nelson of Mike Nelson's Frames Flames and More. I had taken a couple sets of Elliot's prints to him, he took the best of each hand and foot, cleaned them up and made me cd and gave me a couple of copies of "perfect" prints. Then a few days later him and his wife, Tina, surprised me with this! I LOVE IT!! I love it so much I had him make the exact same thing for DH and I's parents.
My necklace from myforeverchild.com. Thanks to Mike, this turned out perfect. Susan's work is soooo GREAT!!
Creepy cat hanging out at the cemetery... Can you spot him?
Hat I crocheted to donate to the local NICU...That's a quarter beside of it so you can see how small it is. Hoping to make LOTS more!
Beautiful Ornament from my GF Sarah from Things Remembered. The outside says " We never lose the ones we love- they live on in our hearts." The inside says "Our Angel Russell Elliot Miller." And of course I haven't found the perfect picture to put in it yet!
Ornament from my GF Audra. Isn't it beautiful!! It came from intimeofsorrow.com. It's hand painted! It says "Baby's First Christmas in Heaven" and is personalized on the back.
Personalized Ornament from Pat and Dorothy Goebel, the funeral home that took care of Elliot's showing, they were wonderful people and how AWESOME of them to remember our baby in such a special way!
Ornament I found at Hobby Lobby, I saw it and it SCREAMED at me to buy it!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I am asking for more now though...A girl that went to my high school lost her baby on Monday. I don't know much other than she was due in April. Please say prayers for her and her hubby and their families, that they have the strength we have gained to trudge through this tragedy.
It has been a rough ride for Brice's mama, we have walked down the same path during our pregnancy, only I took the path less traveled as she is on the one to a happy, healthy baby. I believe Elliot is watching over Brice and his parents, I pray he is.
On another note...
I am such an impatient person...I am counting the days until Monday. The perfect Christmas present would be for Dr. Lepi to tell me it's okay to TTC again. It would just be perfect! But I keep questioning if the universe believes I deserve it??? It seems like there are so many things that this universe feels I don't deserve and quite frankly, I'm sick of it!
I WANT a happy, healthy baby!!!!! I want the next pregnancy to end as mine with Elliot should have. I am taking so many steps to ensure it, but I have a feeling, that something is doomed to stop it. I am petrified that my body will fail me once again! I know anyone whose been through a tragedy as we have, understands these feelings. I pray they subside....
Please say little prayer, if you can squeeze it in, I know there are more important things to pray for....that my doc gives the go ahead on Monday!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
So I see my OB on the 21st and I am PRAYING that he gives the okay to TTC again. I want to start, like yesterday, but I also want our next baby to have the best chances possible and if that means waiting another month, as unhappy as I'll be, so be it.
It's crazy, but this all still feels like such a bad dream, like it's blurry and didn't really happen...
I was even dreaming about my appointment...I wrote a LONG list of questions out for my appointment already and am adding to them everyday, and in my dream I had forgotten my list and was freaking out!
God I pray it turns out different the next time around. I don't want to do this again and my hearts just breaks to pieces when I think of the women will multiple losses, I just can't even fathom!
We decorated Elliot's grave on Saturday and I feel better about the holiday's...I hate that it's cold though...I know it's silly, but I worry about him being cold. And I know I'm not crazy, I'm not the only one with this feeling....but wanting to dig him up again on Saturday kinda freaked me out. I just wanted to hold him and keep him warm and protect him from the cold! I gotta quit feeling that way, that's why I don't visit his grave often, I'm afraid of completely losing it and actually trying to do it...How nutso am I????
I am glad though that Elliot is no longer in pain, not suffering, not having to fight so hard. My friend's baby in the NICU is doing good, but there is a lot going on, as anyone with experience in the NICU knows...and it may seem horrible to you that I feel this way, but I'm glad Elliot isn't going through all of that...He had enough in his short life...all of the surgeries and different things to battle. I know my baby boy is happy, not in pain, and with my Dad! I have to quit being so selfish and wanting him back all the time...I think about it and have realized, as much as this all sucks, I would NEVER want my little man to suffer any more than was necessary! Does that make me a sick person??? I don't even care!
I still miss him more than anything in this world, but if giving him up meant a better life than he would ever have on earth, with his family, so be it.
I miss you and think of you everyday. I know you are watching over your daddy and me. I feel you around me all of the time. Make sure you take good care of your Pappaw! I know it won't ever be soon enough for me, but I will see you, hold you and kiss you again one of these days!
Forever and always,
Friday, December 11, 2009
My cousin Joey got this tattoo last night as a present to himself. He just graduated college and is now an RN...
It is also a tribute of sorts to Elliot. We called Elliot our "Little Superman" because he was such a strong little fighter, hence the Superman Emblem! Joey even brought a Superman Figurine to Elliot's showing and I buried it with him.
Joe and his entire family have been there for Russell and I throughout and still call and check on us when others calls have become far and few between. They are so dear to us and I hope they know how much we appreciate and love them!
I hope Joe knows how much this means to me...I know that Elliot will not be forgotten, and this just strengthens this thought. The fact that he thought that much of my Baby Boy and family, I can't even put words to how much that means to me!
Thank you Joe, Staci, Caitlin, Victor, Michael and TT! I love you!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
My GF SS sent me a BEAUTIFUL ornament she had personalized from Things Remembered. I start blubbering happy tears, so happy that someone else though of my Elliot....then I couldn't stop....and when I say I couldn't stop, I literally couldn't stop. I left a trail if snot and tears across my bed, (I know, how gross) I had to change my sheets. Kept DH up all night, got about 2 hours of sleep, and that's being generous! Walk into work Tuesday and started blubbering right away at my boss. God Bless him!!! We talked for a while and he gave me some supplements to help me sleep at night, all natural herbs, which is cool, I hate taking stuff to sleep.
My sis had to bring me my xanax to work cause I still couldn't stop. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my nose was sore...it was AWFUL!
BUT I am lots better now, course I would hope after about 24 hours of crying!!!
Now for a funny!
So I actually got a few hours of sleep Tuesday after my breakdown. And about 3 o'clock am I started dreaming about my Ex brother in law. I was dreaming he was supposed to be watching my sis' 5 kids and was no where to be found. So my sis and her bf went upstairs to search for him. While up there, he comes waltzing into the room and my oldest nephew starts yelling "here he is, here he is." (The funny parts coming, I promise) Well BIL grabs nephew by the shirt and I SCREAM "Take your F'ing hands off him or I'm going to kill you!" Well apparently, the "I'm going to kill you" part, I said out loud. DH woke me up in a panic and of course I had no idea what he was talking about for a few minutes, until after I got my bearings. So now there's a big joke that we upped DH's Life Insurance and I'm going to knock him off. He even threatened to sleep in the bedroom with the doors locked! He said I sounded so angry that it actually scared him. He said he slowly opened his eyes expecting me to be standing over him with my gun or a knife and all he could think was "what the hell did I do now." How funny is that!!
I also have to say that I have some awesome GF's. They are so understanding and loving and all acknowledge Elliot and it is just AWESOME!! Thanks girls, you know who you are!!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
the next thing I remember is waking up asking if the baby was dead. She said no, that Children's was on the way...they wheel me into a room and tell me they are bringing the baby in....I don't know a time frame, I was DRUGGED UP. I do the emergency C-Section only took 14 minutes total and it was the first they had done, they had only done drills for a delivery like mine, they are not equipped for them and usually have time to send mom to OSU...
In the room they wheeled an incubator and Sister Bernadette baptised Elliot. I am so thankful for this. I really didn't get to see him, like I said I was JUST out of surgery and kind of out of it.
That night Colleen called me from Children's to let me know Elliot had arrived. I don't remember much but her telling me her name.
DH, FIN and Mom went to Children's with Elliot while my sis stayed with me.
I was pretty drugged up for quite some time.
On Wednesday, I got to see Elliot for the first time through a web conference thing the hospital had just set up, we were the first to use it this way.
There on that monitor was my DH and my baby, all hooked up to a lot of stuff I didn't understand. Dr. B came onto the screen to explain to me about Elliot's brain bleed, it was a stage three but they were being hopeful. I DID NOT understand any of this at the time, I wasn't there and had NEVER been inside of a NICU, I didn't know the first thing about preterm babies.
While at the hospital, God sent me an angel in the form of a PCT, Kayla. Kayla had a son at 24 weeks and she told me although it was a long rough journey her son had made it and she believed Elliot would too. The last day I was in the hospital, she brought her son to meet me. This gave me sooooo much hope.
Friday I was released from the hospital and we journeyed to Columbus and got settled into the Ronald McDonald House. DH had been there all week, I don't know how he did it!
The first time I saw Elliot I was SCARED AS HELL. He was hooked up to all of this stuff, I was just freaking out, I couldn't see his face, he looked so frail, it was scary. I cried so hard, how could I have done this to my beautiful baby boy???
We sat there for a long time while I met with his nurses and doctors and they started to explain things to me...It was a bit overwhelming.
Saturday is when he had a pen rose put in because he had a perforation in his bowel. On Monday he ended up having surgery. Dr. King came into the room they had stuck us in, this God awful room, and told us he was going to do the surgery, but Elliot wasn't going to make it! This same night they had tried to put an A line in his femoral artery on his right thigh and screwed it up...his leg looked like a little sausage link. DH and I lost hope, we were sure we weren't going to have a baby by the end of the night. We cried and held one another. Dr. King ATE his words when he came back and said Elliot make it through just fine. I expressed my displeasure with DR. King to everyone I came in contact with.
Days went by and were full of ups and down. I was having problems with my milk, not producing a whole lot. And DH was running out of leave.
Elliot had opened his eyes that Sunday and DH got to hold him, I had a cold and couldn't. I can't tell you how happy that man was to hold his son. I did eventually get to hold him a few days later.
Elliot had a shunt put in his brain on August 27 to try to help with the brain bleed. He made it through surgery fine. He was on the vent, he had been put on CPAP within 24 hours of his birth but it started to breakdown his skin and they took it off him. Over the weekend, things weren't quite right. We got a phone call in the middle of the night that they were testing Elliot for an infection, his temp was out of wack. The test came back negative.
DH went back to work on Monday and i was there alone. I had started to read this book about a couple who split up after losing their child because they couldn't handle one an others grief...I wonder in some odd way if god was preparing me. In a library full of books, I chose this one and this fact didn't come out until close to the end of the book....wierd.
On Wednesday when I went to the NICU like every other day with my "supplies" to hunker down for the day, to sit and stare. Elliot wasn't acting right. On Monday we got a new team of doc with the new month. I expressed this to his doc and the nurse several time and they told me he was acting appropriate. Not for him though and they wouldn't listen. I held Elliot for about 20 minutes and then started freaking out and asked that he be put back, I had a panic attack without reason, I really think I knew something was wrong. DH laughed at me, Elliot was being awful still and he was out wriggler, always moving and pulling his lines off, but today he was still.
That night when I called to check on him, the nurse told me she was waiting on the doc, when she had gotten there, she didn't think he was acting right...Hmmmmm sound familiar. This was Colleen who had had him several nights. She told me she would call me shortly. Like HELL, I threw my sandals on and hauled ass over to the hospital. She told me I should call my husband and I did.
What happens next seems like it was a short time but was in fact over a 5 hour period. DH arrived as soon as he could get there. There were a TON of people around Elliot, they all kept giving me this sad look and rubbing my back. I thought everything would be okay. Elliot's vitals were slowly dropping and they were giving him this that and the other and running a bunch of tests. The alarms kept going off and I couldn't watch any more. The started chest compressions on Elliot and did them for about an hour, he was stuck with 7 epi pens...it all seems like such a nightmare. I had my head buried in DH's arm saying the rosary begging God not to let my son go, to take me instead. After 7 epi pens and an hour of chest compressions DH and I made the hardest decision of our lives. We looked at Elliot and he had a blank stare and was dusky, he was already gone...DH and I held him as took him off life support. I was holding my baby when he became an angel, September 3, 2009 at 3:45 am.
No parents should EVER have to go through this. After he had passed they took us into a room where we got to hold him without all of his tubes. I got yo see his beautiful face and admire his tiny little nose that was exactly like his mommy's. Then we made "the calls."
My mom was able to come and see Elliot before we gave him back. The nurses took pictures of him which I cherish now, but wasn't so keen on the idea at the time.
God it all still feels like a bad dream.
We gave Elliot back to the nurses and went back to the RMH. There we napped for a few hours and headed home. My mom made phone calls for us. We went to the funeral home and made arrangements and the rest is on my blog.
What a horrid journey. And I still ask, why us? We are good people, we did everything by the books, why us? Ands was god trying to prepare me with the book and my milk not producing like it should have? I will never know...
I just pray to God that I never have to go through this again, and those of you who have had this experience multiple times, may God Bless You.
The next Monday while at work, I had a little spotting and of course FREAKED OUT. So my OB sent me to the hospital for an Ultra Sound. There was my little peanut, and that's all we was, nothing more than the yolk sack that would soon turn into a baby, I was pregnant, and it was VERY early. The next couple of weeks the morning sickness came on, it was BAD. I couldn't even eat grapes and cheese without getting sick. By the time it was all said and done, I was taking Zofran, Regalin and Phenergan to keep food down. DH and I knew it was a bad idea, but started buying stuff anyway. We of course bought stuff that could be for a boy or girl. I ended up in the hospital 2 times for dehydration....
As time went on, I got more exhausted. I would come home from work and sleep from 6pm until it was time to get up for work the next day. DH took care of cooking, laundry, you name it, he did it. And on nights I had enough energy to stay up, I was reading baby books, playing music to my belly and DH would read to my belly.
Then the week of August 3rd, I started to have a heavy discharge and I remembered my OB said it would change as my hormones did, plus I had an appointment Thursday and would ask about it then...
Thursday, oh that Thursday, I will never forget the happiness my DH had when the doc said we were having a boy. That look....brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it, about how naive we were.
We called EVERYONE to tell them we were having a boy when we walked out of that office, we were so happy! We didn't really care about the sex, we were just happy we where going to have a healthy baby. Oh and Names, the names started and we decided Russell Elliot.
Sunday - My MIL is in a nursing home, so we went to visit. She wanted some fast food, so we left to get it and went to KMart to get her some new PJ's. While there I had to go potty and my discharge had blood in it. I FREAKED OUT immediately. (Without an exam, my OB said that it was normal to have in change in discharge at the visit on Thursday) So I call my OB and he tells us to get to LD in Zanesville. We didn't even go back to the nursing home, we left. Called mom and she met us there. They hooked me up to the monitor, we heard Elliot's heartbeat and laughed at how much he was kicking me. Everything seemed to be okay, my cervix had shortened and they wanted to do a neonatal protein test, but couldn't right then because they had checked me, I was put on bed rest and scheduled back Wednesday for the test.
We went home and I had a restless night, tossing and turning. On Monday my boss brought a computer to my house so could do some work from home, no biggie. After he left I layed on the couch and was cramping. I assumed it was from being checked. I called the doc and he reaffirmed my thoughts. DH came home from work and I was still cramping. We were trying to decide whether or not to go to LD, I didn't want to be one of those paranoid pregnant ladies, I was barely over 23 weeks, what did I know.
My tummy started to hurt, so I tried using the bathroom. When I sat down, there was this loud pop and a gushing of fluids. It felt as though a water balloon popped inside of me. So I call my OB. He wanted to know what color it was and if it smelled. Well, I had used the bathroom so it wasn't what he thought it should have been and told me everything was okay to drink plenty of fluids and lay on my side. So I hop into the bathtub to clean up and I discover something that didn't belong. I would later find out it was Elliot's Foot. So I call my OB AGAIN and tell him what I have discovered and that we are coming in.
I change clothes and we hop in the truck for the 35 minute drive. My water kept breaking, which I didn't know that would happen, and by the time we go to the hospital I was soaked again! I styed pretty calm during the ride even through the contractions, inside I was preparing for the worst and completely freaking out, but did not show it...
They wheel me to LD and start to check me, the nurse feels the foot and hurried out of the room and then starts cussing that the doctor needs to get there yesterday! My water had in fact broke, the baby's foot was hanging out of me and I was having contractions!
I will post the rest later, it has taken a lot out of me to write this all down and there is still a lot left to tell....
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Please visit TracyOC at Mommicked she is hosting a giveaway today!
Friday, December 4, 2009
I'm getting even more excited about Christmas and my breakdown's have been few and far between the past few weeks. Now, I am by no means "over" this or think of Elliot any less, it's just easier to think of him and smile...Like I said, I'm waiting to crash and burn, how morbid is that? I am assuming this is just another stage of grief we all go through....
But I am also hoping that part of this happiness is coming from the giving that has come from Elliot's death. I would not have gotten and Angel from the Angel Tree, I would not have bought snowmen from McDonald's, I would not be crocheting hats and booties and blankies, there is just a lot I would have not done. And it makes me wonder if my eyes had been opened, would Elliot still be here? Did God take him to open my and my DH's eyes?
Oh, the questions.... part of the reason I NEVER sleep. That hasn't gotten easier. I still hear "And one, and two and three" over and over again whenever I close my eyes and cannot sleep because of it and the questions. I suppose in time it will get easier....
I guess I have also realized something. Grief is selfish, someone commented to me about this and I got it, but I didn't truly understand what they meant until I spoke with my Father-in-Law the other day. I am not the only one grieving for Elliot. DUH!! But I guess I didn't realize how much others where grieving for him, my eyes open a little wider everyday.
Lessons come every day that I wish I didn't have to learn. I wish I could still be blissfully blinded to the things in this world that I never knew existed until a few months ago. But I also find solace in the comfort from those who are walking this path before me, with me and after me. Although I TRULY wish none of us ever had to be here.
Last note: tomorrow is my giveaway. It is also my EDD and so I am looking forward to honoring Elliot; his death, birth and life, by doing this giveaway on what was supposed to be the day he entered this world! So PLEASE check back tomorrow to enter my giveaway!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
My giveaway day is Saturday, which is funny because that is my actual EDD. When Tina sent our dates out and I saw that, I just laughed! I think Elliot is trying to help his mommy, I'm starting to think my luck is changing...Tina asked if I wanted to switch days, but I think it was a sign from my little boy, he still lets me know he's around and I don't want to change my date, I think it's a cool way of honoring him, and very unexpected!
So, my cousin and I are going to start crocheting hats, booties and blankies and I'm hoping to donate them to local hospitals for preemies and those stillborn. Has anyone done anything like this and do you know of an policies that any hospitals have? I know they are probably all different, but I was just curious. I want to donate to our local hospital and to Children's Hospital in Columbus, where Elliot was cared for.
Also, does anyone have any suggestions for dad's? My hubby is having such a hard time even talking about Elliot. I know we all grieve differently and at our own pace, I just wish I could do more. When ever I talk about my blog or another baby loss mama he kind of shuts down, so I don't talk to him about it anymore, but it hurts because there is so much I want to share with him. So any advice would help.
Update: Elliot's headstone was FINALLY fixed on Tuesday. Also, I have not forgotten about the presents, just am such a slacker and I admit it...I will do more shortly!
So thanks to everyone who reads my blogs, you have helped keep me sane!!