Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I have to start this post of with a HUGE thanks to one of my best friends! LORI, you are more special to me than I think you will ever know or realize. For those of you who don't know Lori, she is the most giving, understand and amazing women I have ever met. She is a wonderful friend, wife (Well you'll have to ask her hubby, but I bet he'd agree) and mother. I only hope I can be as good a mother to my children as she is to hers!
Lori has been there through everything with Russ and I. We have a very special bond that only we understand. We can go forever without talking and pick right back up like only seconds went by since our last conversation.
She is helping with and the driving force behind the blankets for the NICU, it was her kindness that lead to this project.
And of course, she did it again!
We were together last Friday night, I had had a shitty day....she stole me away to give me a gift. She gave me two tubes of Pineapple Chapstick. Now why is this so amazing? Because she remembered...she remembered that I had said that Elliot always smelled like Pineapple Chapstick. I don't know why he did, he just did and she remembered! Now I can smell Elliot whenever I want to....to some of you this might seem silly, but it means the world to me! And it's funny how something so insignificant could touch my heart so deeply, but only Lori knew what it meant to me and got it! And I needed it at that moment and there it was....

Boys, boys, boys....it seems like everyone around me is pregnant with and having little boys...bitter, yes, do I want to be bitter, no...and I won't be forever....
Babyshowers...bitter? yes because I never got mine for Elliot, do I want to be, no
Birthday coming up...bitter? yes, because my birthday marks six months that Elliot has been gone.
Not being pregnant yet...bitter? yes, duh and don't tell me to stop trying it will happen... as much as I hope it does, we really don't know that, and unless you have had motherhood literally ripped from your hands, don't say that to me even if I ask your opinion. You can sit with your healthy baby and talk to me until you are blue in the face...it won't make a difference about how I feel.
I hate feeling that way, but that's how I feel. I have pulled away from several friends, I don't talk to them like I used to because I am afraid this venom will spill out of my mouth and really hurt someone, I would never want to hurt someone I love, but sometimes I talk without thinking, especially if I am upset....
So today I am having a bitter type of day, tomorrow I will probably regret everything I just typed, but these are the feelings of a grieving mother, so deal with it, I have to!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It was supposed to be his room....

We bought an Elliptical, I seriously need to lose weight...and instead of putting it in the spare room in the basement (it'd be to hard to walk up and down the steps to exercise, LOL) we put it in the spare bedroom, the room that supposed to be Elliot's.
Of course I was fine when I started to put stuff away, Elliot's memory box and stuffed teddy and other small things. Then I found a laundry basket from "that weekend," the weekend when everything happened and it had all of the red baby clothes I had bought for Elliot, including a very cute Christmas outfit, in it. And in good old Brandy fashion, I SHOVED them into a drawer to close, instead of folding them neatly or hanging them neatly, I SHOVED them away. The same way I manage to SHOVE my feelings deep down most days. But today, I let myself go. I stood in that empty room that was once awaiting a baby, now awaiting an exercise machine, and cried. And I cried and sobbed...but it's ok, I haven't done that for a while.
Life has been rough the last five months, I can truly say that. But I still remind myself, as bad as we have had it lately, we still have sooooo much more than a lot of people. And while this doesn't make it any better, it does pull me back to reality. Although there are many days I want to lay in bed all day, I want the world to stop spinning and just grieve for as long as I want, without interruption, I can't, it doesn't work that way. So I get up, paint a smile on my face, most days, and go about my business.
And isn't if funny how grief steals things from us and makes us petty? Here's my example. I have been invited to quite a few baby shower's lately, I have declined to go. I can't do it right now and the girls are so nice and understanding. And each has said they weren't sure whether to invite me or not...I am upset for being invited, I never got my baby shower, but on the other hand, I would be REALLY upset if I hadn't been invited....and it makes me feel petty and very angry at this grief.
And so is my letter to grief.

Dear grief,
Why do you come and go? I know you are there, lurking in the corner, why not stick around for the whole party, get it done and over with?
Grief, you are selfish and I don't like it, you have turned me into something I'm not. You have turned a happy, joy-filled person into a bitter and jealous women.
You have made me learn to much in to little time and for this I despise you. I hate it that you sneak up on me, in my small moment of happiness, only to steal the smile from my face. I hate how you turn my eyes into waterfalls for no apparent reason. I hate is especially when you lash out at my husband for no reason other than to make yourself known.
But I also know you are not going anywhere, and I have to deal with you. So to you I say "Bring it on!" Bring on the waterworks, the jealousy, the bitterness. Because I know the better I learn to deal with you, the better person I will be. I know that before long, you will not steal my smile as often, you will look at someone else's baby and smile...that day will come and I know it.
So just know Grief, I am here, you will not control my life anymore!
Elliot's Mommy

And on a final note, I haven't posted for a while because I feel in limbo...not sure exactly where, just like I don't belong anywhere, and I am sure you have felt this before.
I got a BFN last week. And as hard as I prayed for the Positive Pregnancy Test Fairy to grant my wish, old, bitter and unwelcome Aunt Flow came instead. So now I am trying to focus on losing weight, hence the elliptical, instead of being so baby crazy.
And I leave you with a question...
Please tell me if I am not alone... has having a Rainbow ever completely consumed your every waking moment? And how do you stop it from consuming your life?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Sadness and Solace

My husbands mother died early this morning of a heart-attack...I come to you and ask for prayers for my hubby. I hope his heart does not get to heavy to handle this latest test from above...
And just when I am feeling tested, He sends me a sign that He is still a good God. Today that came in the form of a picture from Lisa. I will post them later, but Thank You Lisa, they are beautiful.
I leave you with this.... from my dear friend Alicia!
Have you ever wondered how a preemie mommy is chosen?
You ever wonder how mothers of premature babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint. . .give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel." "But does she have the patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it. "I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy." "But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side." "And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."


"A Mother has a baby" This we know is true "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?" "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay." "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With all the other children and say... 'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.' "So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"