Sunday, February 14, 2010

It was supposed to be his room....

We bought an Elliptical, I seriously need to lose weight...and instead of putting it in the spare room in the basement (it'd be to hard to walk up and down the steps to exercise, LOL) we put it in the spare bedroom, the room that supposed to be Elliot's.
Of course I was fine when I started to put stuff away, Elliot's memory box and stuffed teddy and other small things. Then I found a laundry basket from "that weekend," the weekend when everything happened and it had all of the red baby clothes I had bought for Elliot, including a very cute Christmas outfit, in it. And in good old Brandy fashion, I SHOVED them into a drawer to close, instead of folding them neatly or hanging them neatly, I SHOVED them away. The same way I manage to SHOVE my feelings deep down most days. But today, I let myself go. I stood in that empty room that was once awaiting a baby, now awaiting an exercise machine, and cried. And I cried and sobbed...but it's ok, I haven't done that for a while.
Life has been rough the last five months, I can truly say that. But I still remind myself, as bad as we have had it lately, we still have sooooo much more than a lot of people. And while this doesn't make it any better, it does pull me back to reality. Although there are many days I want to lay in bed all day, I want the world to stop spinning and just grieve for as long as I want, without interruption, I can't, it doesn't work that way. So I get up, paint a smile on my face, most days, and go about my business.
And isn't if funny how grief steals things from us and makes us petty? Here's my example. I have been invited to quite a few baby shower's lately, I have declined to go. I can't do it right now and the girls are so nice and understanding. And each has said they weren't sure whether to invite me or not...I am upset for being invited, I never got my baby shower, but on the other hand, I would be REALLY upset if I hadn't been invited....and it makes me feel petty and very angry at this grief.
And so is my letter to grief.

Dear grief,
Why do you come and go? I know you are there, lurking in the corner, why not stick around for the whole party, get it done and over with?
Grief, you are selfish and I don't like it, you have turned me into something I'm not. You have turned a happy, joy-filled person into a bitter and jealous women.
You have made me learn to much in to little time and for this I despise you. I hate it that you sneak up on me, in my small moment of happiness, only to steal the smile from my face. I hate how you turn my eyes into waterfalls for no apparent reason. I hate is especially when you lash out at my husband for no reason other than to make yourself known.
But I also know you are not going anywhere, and I have to deal with you. So to you I say "Bring it on!" Bring on the waterworks, the jealousy, the bitterness. Because I know the better I learn to deal with you, the better person I will be. I know that before long, you will not steal my smile as often, you will look at someone else's baby and smile...that day will come and I know it.
So just know Grief, I am here, you will not control my life anymore!
Elliot's Mommy

And on a final note, I haven't posted for a while because I feel in limbo...not sure exactly where, just like I don't belong anywhere, and I am sure you have felt this before.
I got a BFN last week. And as hard as I prayed for the Positive Pregnancy Test Fairy to grant my wish, old, bitter and unwelcome Aunt Flow came instead. So now I am trying to focus on losing weight, hence the elliptical, instead of being so baby crazy.
And I leave you with a question...
Please tell me if I am not alone... has having a Rainbow ever completely consumed your every waking moment? And how do you stop it from consuming your life?


  1. so many hugs being sent your way. I could have written this very same post. I could write a very nasty letter to grief but it sure wouldnt be pretty, thats for sure.
    As for a rainbow... yup.. I never thought it would consume me in the ways it has. I think it's because our dream was ripped from us so fast, and now we crave it even more. We all know we cant have what we really want (Elliot & Nolan back in our arms) so the next best thing is a sister or brother. wouldn't it be nice if God would just give in and give it to us faster?

  2. It's hard to see so many people have what you lost and so desperately ache for. It's been 4 years this May for me, and I still have yet to attend a baby shower. Except my own, which were both held AFTER the baby was born, alive and healthy.

    Yes, I was consumed by the idea of a rainbow. But I was also dreading it, since pregnancy is not easy on me (I get VERY sick the ENTIRE time). I didn't find a cure for that until Erin was born and safe, so I have no advice. I'm sorry about the bfn. So I'll be wishing baby dust your way.

    And I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I have loved this quote on grief:
    "First, please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."
    ~Lance B. Wickman

  3. Dear grief, give us a break for once.

    I know what you mean Brandy, I can't accept it but I have to accepti it, then I can't accept that I want to accept it, blah. WHY?


  4. Baby loss grief is so hard to deal with. My thoughts are with you.

    I'm not sure how one does not become consumed with having a rainbow baby. It feels like it can not come soon enough.

    Hang in there and know you have support!

  5. Brandy, I understand! When we decided that we were trying again I just wanted to be pregnant, it consumed me. We did not try very very long at all, but the short time we did ate us alive. Its a lot of work, and then when you don't get the outcome you want it sucks and is damn hard. I don't know how to stop it...I think what you are doing is healthy and good, focusing on getting healthy. I did that too, not hard enough, didn't loose all my belly that I wanted to and promised myself I would before I got pregnant again. Thinking of you and am here for you!

  6. I am so sorry about the BFN. That glaring, nasty, BFN. I definitely get why they gave it that acronym.
    When we took down the nursery furniture in Aiden and Sophie's room, I never wanted to put anything in there. We ended up doing so, trying to be realistic, but it will always be their room.
    To be honest with you, from the second I delivered the twins I was pretty consumed with being pregnant again. Not so much in the beginning, but it was always there, nagging me, in the back of my mind. Once we had the go ahead to try, it consumed (and still does) practically every second. It's hard. Really hard. But I am hoping it's all going to be worth it.
    I will br praying for you to get a BFP very, very soon.
    Love to you,

  7. Brandy I'm so sorry you got a BFN this month. I know how all consuming it can be to chase that positive. This post said so much of how I feel some days, especially your letter to grief. Sending you hugs and lots of babydust...

  8. No, you are not alone! I'm absolutely obsessed with trying for a rainbow baby, and it's gone nowhere for years now. But I have to obsess silently (except on blogland!) because according to nearly everyone, I should be "over it" by now. A rainbow would help so much. Praying we both get one...

  9. You're not alone at all! We were very focused on having our rainbow for the many months that we tried except this last one when I ended up pregnant. Go figure! I'm sorry you got another BFN. I hope that very soon your will have your BFP!

  10. I vary between wanting a baby so bad I can taste it, to feeling very guilty for wanting a baby so soon. Glad you had a chance to let it all out. I understand, it does make me so petty too...