We bought an Elliptical, I seriously need to lose weight...and instead of putting it in the spare room in the basement (it'd be to hard to walk up and down the steps to exercise, LOL) we put it in the spare bedroom, the room that supposed to be Elliot's.
Of course I was fine when I started to put stuff away, Elliot's memory box and stuffed teddy and other small things. Then I found a laundry basket from "that weekend," the weekend when everything happened and it had all of the red baby clothes I had bought for Elliot, including a very cute Christmas outfit, in it. And in good old Brandy fashion, I SHOVED them into a drawer to close, instead of folding them neatly or hanging them neatly, I SHOVED them away. The same way I manage to SHOVE my feelings deep down most days. But today, I let myself go. I stood in that empty room that was once awaiting a baby, now awaiting an exercise machine, and cried. And I cried and sobbed...but it's ok, I haven't done that for a while.
Life has been rough the last five months, I can truly say that. But I still remind myself, as bad as we have had it lately, we still have sooooo much more than a lot of people. And while this doesn't make it any better, it does pull me back to reality. Although there are many days I want to lay in bed all day, I want the world to stop spinning and just grieve for as long as I want, without interruption, I can't, it doesn't work that way. So I get up, paint a smile on my face, most days, and go about my business.
And isn't if funny how grief steals things from us and makes us petty? Here's my example. I have been invited to quite a few baby shower's lately, I have declined to go. I can't do it right now and the girls are so nice and understanding. And each has said they weren't sure whether to invite me or not...I am upset for being invited, I never got my baby shower, but on the other hand, I would be REALLY upset if I hadn't been invited....and it makes me feel petty and very angry at this grief.
And so is my letter to grief.
Why do you come and go? I know you are there, lurking in the corner, why not stick around for the whole party, get it done and over with?
Grief, you are selfish and I don't like it, you have turned me into something I'm not. You have turned a happy, joy-filled person into a bitter and jealous women.
You have made me learn to much in to little time and for this I despise you. I hate it that you sneak up on me, in my small moment of happiness, only to steal the smile from my face. I hate how you turn my eyes into waterfalls for no apparent reason. I hate is especially when you lash out at my husband for no reason other than to make yourself known.
But I also know you are not going anywhere, and I have to deal with you. So to you I say "Bring it on!" Bring on the waterworks, the jealousy, the bitterness. Because I know the better I learn to deal with you, the better person I will be. I know that before long, you will not steal my smile as often, you will look at someone else's baby and smile...that day will come and I know it.
So just know Grief, I am here, you will not control my life anymore!
And on a final note, I haven't posted for a while because I feel in limbo...not sure exactly where, just like I don't belong anywhere, and I am sure you have felt this before.
I got a BFN last week. And as hard as I prayed for the Positive Pregnancy Test Fairy to grant my wish, old, bitter and unwelcome Aunt Flow came instead. So now I am trying to focus on losing weight, hence the elliptical, instead of being so baby crazy.
And I leave you with a question...
Please tell me if I am not alone... has having a Rainbow ever completely consumed your every waking moment? And how do you stop it from consuming your life?