Thursday, January 28, 2010


I haven't blogged for a while with reason. I felt like the only time I have blogged is when I am depressed, and I'm not always depressed and I don't want to become that person...the one who only opens her mouth to complain. Don't get me wrong, I am that person, but I am tired of her!!

I had a total meltdown at 1:30am Tuesday, not fun...I was laying in bed and didn't even have the strength to hide from DH this time...then I felt bad for wailing so loud I woke him up....not sure what brought it on...
I am feeling better...went to therapy Wednesday...I really like this guy, he seems to know his stuff and is not a stuffed-shirt I was expecting, not sure why, just was.

I am excited this morning...I should be asleep but I feel like a kid at Christmas. The fertility monitor showed a peak sign this morning! I want to shout it from the roof...not because I am so excited about getting pregnant this month, just happy something isn't wrong with me. After last month, I thought maybe I wasn't ovulating and was completely freaking out, thinking that there was something wrong.
Now, I know there is a good chance it's going to take a couple of months to get pregnant, but that fact that I finally hit that peak sign makes me happy, that is one step forward!!!

I have been wanting to post this stuff for a while, but here are some freebies I have found that might interest you!

The first if for two free touch-ups for your angel baby. This place is awesome! I had it done and love the fact that I now have some pics of Elliot without the tubes and without the bruises, he looks even more perfect than before, if that is possible!
Anyhoo here is the link:

Here are Elliot's before and after pics....




The next thing I want to share is for those of you pregnant with your rainbow, or if you are trying for a rainbow, book mark this site for when you get pregnant. This site lends out dopplers to high risk women and/or women that have miscarried or have a stillborn or neonatal death. FOR FREE! Your doc has to write you a script, but I am hoping your doc is sensitive enough to do this for you!
Here is the link:

And lastly,, is offering coupons from Canvas on Demand. It's a $60.00 coupon, you only pay like $14.00 for shipping, and it is awesome! I got mine over the weekend and I LOVE IT!! It's perfect!

I hope you find this useful!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


So a friend of mine posted a question on his Facebook page, after answering it, I kind of feel bad...
Question: " Have you ever just answered yes to a question because it was easier than getting into it by saying no? Please give examples...."

My answer: " hmmmm.....a lot lately, actually it's the reverse for me, a lot when I am asked if I have children, sometimes it's just easier to say no, then I don't create the awkwardness when they start asking about how old they are and I have to explain he has died....saves a lot of headache sometimes...and emotions...i know that sounds so wrong...."

So now I ask, have you found yourself doing this? I admit I did it a lot...Sometimes just to avoid the awkwardness....and some days I just wait for people to ask me so that I can tell them my story and about my baby. It just depends on what kind of mood I am in, is this wrong?
I don't want to ignore Elliot or forget about him, and I speak of him often...and I am actually getting better about spouting off the short version of what happened without being obliterated to tears...but some days I just don't have it in me to go through all of it....

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Desperate? Maybe...

Okay, so in the past few days, I have ordered Pre-Seed and Softcups, made my hubby buy a zinc supplement and am listening to hypno-therapy for conception...Desperate you might say...Being well informed and prepared, I say!
I hope it's not all a bunch of hype, but I am willing to try what I have to. I even talk to Elliot and ask him to help mommy have a baby brother or sister, is that wrong? I want Elliot to be with us every part of the way, he is the big brother and I would hope he would be the "protector" whether on earth or in heaven...and I am hoping he is in heaven with his sibling, teaching him or her lots things before they are sent to us on this earth....
Call me crazy if you want to.....I will let you know how it works....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

BFN Enough Said!

So the fertility monitor that has been on HIGH for 13 days showed LOW this morning. And since my cycles have been 27-28 days since having Elliot, I decided to take a HPT today on day 25 of my cycle and got a BFN!!!
Now, I am not totally giving up hope, my cycle was screwy before Elliot was born, so we will wait and see and take another HPT this weekend if AF doesn't visit before then.
I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up so I wouldn't be disappointed, but inside I was PRAYING, HOPING and WISHING for that BFP!!
I go to see a therapist this afternoon and am nervous. I went to one after my dad died and it didn't help, but I am praying that maybe he can do something to help me sleep without meds. I think I have tried everything else....warm milk, melatonin pills, another herbal remedy called Sleep Essentials, Tylenol PM, Xanax, lavender in my pillow case, warm bath, warm bath with lavender...nothing seems to work, even the benadryl that used to put me out like a light only works for about an hour or so...even then my dreams are so vivid I don't feel rested.
Now I did sleep a lot on Monday and yesterday, but I was sicker than a dog! I think my body totally hates me! I have had both flu shots, but my body is sooooo wore down that I am getting sick A LOT! I hate being sick, I don't do sick very well. I am a BIG BABY and I don't have time to be sick, there are more important things to do!! One year my boss paid me out for a year and a half of vacation days that I didn't use, just because I hate missing work....
Sorry for the rant, just frustrated today and hoping that this therapy works. I am sceptical but trying to keep an open mind!

AF Showed up yesterday morning, so we will try the fertility monitor another month and see what happens.
And as far as the was great! I have actually slept two nights in a row. Dr. Wolfgang is wonderful and I will be continuing my sessions until I feel I no longer need it. In just one hour he helped me work through a few things, imagine what he can do if I keep going back! May God bless him...I couldn't do his job, do you realize this man mostly gets to hear the horrible things that happen to people on a daily basis...Anyhoo, I would recommend therapy if you can find a good one...

Monday, January 11, 2010

Your Prayers Worked! Thank You

My GF called and told me that the baby DOES NOT have anecephaly! YEAH!!! There is a possibility of a growth, but they said it could also be an ear! Who are these doctors! But the brain and skull are developing and working just fine!
Thank you all sooo very much for your prayers!


Okay, My cousin and I are making blankets for the local NICU and unfortunately the blankets we are making will be for angel baby's.
I want to make a card to attach to each of the blankets, but I am not sure what to say.
Any ideas, poems, bible versus, or sayings that comforted you in your time of need, please send my way. I want to make various cards, because not everyone finds comfort in God, but I want to be able to comfort these families in some small way.
You help with this project is much appreciated.
Brandy and Lori

Friday, January 8, 2010

Obsession and Wondering

So I have become OBSESSED with peeing on things!! LOL Peeing on fertility monitor stick of all sorts and pretty soon on HPT sticks...I have already bought them, just impatiently waiting to use them. Trying to get pregnant again has CONSUMED my life... What did I do before or obsess about before this? ...How did I even function before? What did I do to fill time?
And I hate my body. Please don't beat me up for saying this, but I feel like it is one big hunk of doo-doo! I feel like it has failed me soooooo much in the past year and I am still very angry about it! I have tried taking good care of my body, but it's not returning the favor...and not I am not psychotic, just overwhelmed I guess...
And I have a question for you BLM's in blogger land, is what is happening to us more common than we knew before now, or am I just really under a "dead baby cloud?" Don't take that the wrong way but I feel like everyone around me is miscarrying, having fertility problems or something has happened to their little ones. Maybe my eyes were just closed before now because it didn't concern me? I don't know....but I really don't like it. It's bad enough that I am going through this, but to have people I know and love go through it too? Just isn't right!
Does anyone else ever feel like their memories are fading? I want so bad to hold onto them so much, but feel like my mind is failing me...Like I can't remember the small details I used or they are more foggy than they used to be...and this is sooooo upsetting.
I never want to forget that my sweet Elliot smelled like pineapple chap stick (I don't know why, but he did) Or the way my heart skipped when he held my finger with his tiny little hand, or the day that he opened his eyes and said hello to the world, the same day DH got to hold him and was scared out of his mind, the sweat dripping down his forehead and the look on his face...And although right now I do remember all of this, it feels like an old photograph with a light haze covering everything...
Boy I hope I am not committed for this post, and no I am not smoking any pot!! LOL
I just don't ever want to forget!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award

First off, thank you to Susan at for the nomination, this is my very first blogger award and I am honored!
The rules are simple: just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award...
1. I have lost many people in my short life and death does not really have the effect on me that it used to. I am in no way immune to the sadness of it all, I just look at things in a completely different light. I lost my dad 2 weeks before my 18th birthday and my mom had to make the decision to take him off of life support. In 2002 my best friend, Gavin Neighbor was killed in Iraq fighting for your and my freedom and a few years ago my I watched as my uncle, who affectionately called me Noodle 2, took his last breath... and of course my darling Elliot, and the sad thing, those are only a few losses....
2. I didn't really like my mom much when I was younger and now I don't know what I'd do without her! We talk at least once, if not more, daily.
3. I have an incessant need to make people happy, which I am in the process of getting over. I have started to "trim the so-called fat" from my life and am feeling better than I have in a LONG time!
4. I am a total nerd/geek and should have glasses with tape holding them together...I love anything electronic! I love to read and problem solve, do math in my head and I LOVE it when I look like a genius to my hubby and at work! I like tearing apart my computer when it doesn't work, and I will research anything for hours at a time if I am interested in it!
5. I am messy and I hate housework!!! My house usually looks like a tornado has gone through it and I have no clue how DH's stands it. Because as messy as our house is and as much as I hate to clean, I also totally hate clutter and messes!! (I know, not right!!) My desk at work is always nice and tidy before I leave at night!
6. I do not go to church on a regular basis, but I believe I am a pretty religious person. I don't need to go to church to talk to God. I also believe in heaven and hell and also in signs from above.
7. I hate stupid people and I hate even more when people act stupid just to get attention. BUT if you can make me laugh without being ignorant, we will be friends for life!!
My nominations are:
I hate only picking 7 because you are all so precious to me and my journey in this new normal!!

Monday, January 4, 2010


My BF since grade school just called me. She got some grim news today at her US. The doc saw a "sack." They are telling her it could be anecephaly...And I know from reading Holly and Lisette's blogs what this means for her and her baby if this what it turns out to be.
They are also telling her it could be a fluid sack or the yolk sack, PLEASE, PLEASE pray that this is the case. I DO NOT want my BF to join this club. I wish none of us were here, but to have someone so close to me in this place makes me sooooooo sick!
She has another US on Monday and will find out for sure, I will keep you posted.
Thank you for your prayers.

The cost of being pregnant....

I know I shouldn't complain, but I went to buy more sticks for the fertility monitor and after having been to 4 different places, I finally found them and "OUCH" said my wallet. I am so excited to pee on this damn stick every morning and I would have bought them no matter how much they cost, but why does it seem that those who are the most desperate have to pay more for EVERYTHING. And at this point I am desperate to get pregnant again...And fertility drugs or monitor to help you get pregnant in the first place is just ridiculously expensive...Weight Loss products, expensive....finding a mate on the Internet, I have heard is expensive...WHY?
Simple, they know we are desperate and willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get the result we want, no matter what it might be....
On another note, I went to a local pharmacy to have Elliot's retouched pictures printed out...that's another post....and when I was checking out, the lady was counting my pictures and said very sarcastically, "oh, how cute." Mind you sarcasm was just dripping from her mouth as she uttered those words. I was about ready to reach across the counter and strangle her with her own friggin vest. I was also waiting for her to ask me one of "those" usual questions...luckily she didn't and I left the store on my own accord, not in hand-cuffs....
So I am waiting for the friggin' peek sign to show up on this monitor, I am wondering if it will work, for some reason my luck is the pits. And for some reason, I feel this has nothing to do with timing, science, want or will, but rather luck. And luck is something I have never had much of, so with that, I am keeping everything crossed and hoping for the best!
I also wanted to thank all of my blog friends. Your friendship, comments and your own personal blogs mean so much to me. I shutter to think of where I would be on this journey without all of your love and support and for that I am most grateful!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

....and I grant you three wishes.

So I thought this would be a fun way to start out the new year!

I am making myself the 2010 wish fairy. And along with this I am also granting each and every blogger three wishes. (Since I have that kind of power and all!!! LOL I am a Pisces, always the dreamer....)

These wishes can be a fantasy or as obtainable as you would like them to be. You only get three! The only condition, you must grant three wishes to all of your blog readers!

Wishes for ForeverElliotsMommy:

1. I wish for a healthy pregnancy and baby in 2010! (as I am sure many of us do!)

2. I wish to have my credit score back to a decent number by 2011!(Maybe there is such thing as a credit fairy!! LOL)

3. I wish I could see myself through my DH's eyes. I want to know what he sees when he looks at me, what he feels and what he thinks. Does his heart still skip a beat when he comes home and I am there, like mine does? Does his heart still race every time we kiss, like mine does? I know it's a silly wish and I don't doubt his love for me, I just have always wanted to see myself through his eyes!

So now I grant you three wishes and pass you the magic wand to grant three wishes to your blog readers.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Not baby related

So, I am having a tuff time. Some people pretty close to me are getting divorced and I feel in the middle of's weird.
I found out a lot of stuff about someone I thought I knew. She was so fake and pretended to be something she sooooooo isn't. And I feel bad for him for being left in the dark for so long. Now, no one is without blame in situations like this, it just sucks to feel like you are in the middle of some one's disaster...and the kids are soooo blinded it's not funny, if they only knew what she had done....
We are TTC again and I really don't need this stress...The doc thinks stress contributed a lot to my pre-term labor, although I have never told anyone this before now....after I told him everything that was going on at the time....he told me to de-stress my life to make things easier on the I have tried. And my life is stress free until she pops in and stirs up shit!!! ARRRRGHHHHHH! I just need to scream and let off some steam!
BTW this is the same women who I thought was a friend, tell me this though. If you were my friend, would you have me subpoenaed to court less than 2 weeks after my child DIED?? And I really didn't need to be there! Didn't think so, some friend, right! (see where this stress was coming from!) And people wonder why I have changed!! GEEEEEESH
So here's to living, not surviving and a stress free tomorrow, well technically a stress free later today!! :-)