Friday, January 8, 2010

Obsession and Wondering

So I have become OBSESSED with peeing on things!! LOL Peeing on fertility monitor stick of all sorts and pretty soon on HPT sticks...I have already bought them, just impatiently waiting to use them. Trying to get pregnant again has CONSUMED my life... What did I do before or obsess about before this? ...How did I even function before? What did I do to fill time?
And I hate my body. Please don't beat me up for saying this, but I feel like it is one big hunk of doo-doo! I feel like it has failed me soooooo much in the past year and I am still very angry about it! I have tried taking good care of my body, but it's not returning the favor...and not I am not psychotic, just overwhelmed I guess...
And I have a question for you BLM's in blogger land, is what is happening to us more common than we knew before now, or am I just really under a "dead baby cloud?" Don't take that the wrong way but I feel like everyone around me is miscarrying, having fertility problems or something has happened to their little ones. Maybe my eyes were just closed before now because it didn't concern me? I don't know....but I really don't like it. It's bad enough that I am going through this, but to have people I know and love go through it too? Just isn't right!
Does anyone else ever feel like their memories are fading? I want so bad to hold onto them so much, but feel like my mind is failing me...Like I can't remember the small details I used or they are more foggy than they used to be...and this is sooooo upsetting.
I never want to forget that my sweet Elliot smelled like pineapple chap stick (I don't know why, but he did) Or the way my heart skipped when he held my finger with his tiny little hand, or the day that he opened his eyes and said hello to the world, the same day DH got to hold him and was scared out of his mind, the sweat dripping down his forehead and the look on his face...And although right now I do remember all of this, it feels like an old photograph with a light haze covering everything...
Boy I hope I am not committed for this post, and no I am not smoking any pot!! LOL
I just don't ever want to forget!


  1. "Does anyone else ever feel like their memories are fading? I want so bad to hold onto them so much, but feel like my mind is failing me...Like I can't remember the small details I used or they are more foggy than they used to be...and this is sooooo upsetting."

    THIS. I could have written this myself. I have been thinking, discussing, and worrying about this 300%.

    And I am also addicted to peeing on things! Damn OPKS that dont work for me. Now I have it in my head that I am not ovulating. I swear being under this dead baby cloud does crazy things to your mind.

  2. I was obsessed with getting pregnant again too. For me it was the need to have a second chance. My obsession was all I thought about. Those months were LONG and emotional. So I think you are normal for obsessing and feeling like your body failed you. I feel the same way - and even though my body is doing better this time around - now I have GD and anther thing to worry about popping up in a few years. I never knew being pregnant would wreck havoc on my body, blood pressures and blood sugars too :(

    I think I retain the bad news that before I let go. Like everyone usually ignores the painful stuff like losses and avoids talking about it but everyone talks about the good so much. I am sorry to admit I think I used to be oblivious to the pain of others - in my head for a second then forgotten.

    I will end the longest comment ever now - but know you are not alone and my thoughts are with you!

  3. I too was OBSESSED with getting pregnant and when I did I kept peeing on sticks to make sure I was still preg... You know what can happen and that fear is instilled in you, at least it is me. I hope that you peeing will be what you want to see very soon!!! If you have some wonders I compared my sticks (they were ever so fait) to the picts on


  4. I can certainly relate to the pregnancy obsession. It can feel like a long roller coaster. Hang on!

    I hear you too on the body issues, and am trying to let go of that.

  5. Trying so hard to not think about it and hubby wants to use bc so that I don't get disappointed. I guess I'm hoping by the grace of God I will wake up one day, PREGNANT.

    I know I am nuts, just a dream.

    I hope 2010 we will all get our little babies.


  6. Chin up, my friend. I am starting to feel the bite of the obsession bug. I have done two HPT in the last week, even though I KNOW that there will only be 1 line. And I don't really want to be pregnant this month anyway, but once it bites, it's all over. :-)

    I know (pretty well) 3 other families who are baby loss families. One lost an anencephaly baby, one lost a preemie after 6 weeks in the NICU, and one was stillbirth of a 40 weeker. I realized within the first two or three weeks that it really does happen a lot more than anyone realizes, but it is such taboo that no one wants to talk about it.

    I realized the other day that I am suddenly not counting weeks anymore. The last week I can remember marking was 22 weeks. I was a little sad when I realized it, and I briefly felt like I had let her down a little bit, but I was able to rationalize it and I am feeling a little better about it now. I prefer to think that I am settling into the new shoes of baby loss rather than just outright forgetting...


  7. The intricate details do fade in time, unfortunately. :( I think that loss and such is always around us but we don't notice it really until we experience it ourselves. Then our eyes are opened wide.

  8. I don't think you're crazy at all. I'm sure if I could get pregnant again, I would be doing all those things too. I hope this year is kinder and gentler on you and that you get your rainbow baby. Sending you hugs

  9. I remember waking up one morning in tears because I felt like I was forgetting. Like I was looking through fogged glass. Unfortunately I think it's because our brains are just that way, imperfect and mortal. Memories degrade over time, and the memeories of our babies are not immune.

    But you won't ever completely forget. (hugs)

  10. I hope this makes sense, but this is what I think: I think sometimes our memories are fogged because if we remembered every detail we would remember the pain and hurtful memories just as much as the good memories. I think foggy memories are our subconcious' way of coping, because I know if remembered what the pain felt like to have my babies sick and die(I still do from time to time)I would not be able to cope.. I hope that made sense??

  11. Yes, totally, with the memories. Some days I want to forget everything because of the pain-if I don't remember, it can't have happened. But that's not too often, and usually I struggle to remember any little thing about them-and wish that I had had even an hour longer to get even more memories.

    I totally understand the obsessing, too, and we all do it-it is not fun while it's happening, but we all do it.

    Love to you!
    p.s. thanks for the award!!!!! I will be posting it soon :)