Monday, November 30, 2009


So my best friend since like first grade came "home" for the holiday. She lives like 8 to 10 hours away. Her baby boy was born the week before my Elliot. I love her dearly, as we have been friends forever and I have always been able to tell her everything and lean on her in my time of need. I did not go and visit her while she was in. I wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Is this selfish of me? I think so....But I also know she understands, she told me she did...So why do I feel so horrible??? It has been a while since I've seen her and I miss her and I wish I hadn't been such a coward! This whole grief roller coaster sucks so much!!!
So I had another friend ask me how I felt about things being bought for or in memory of Elliot? I LOVE IT! If you ever see anything that reminds you of my dear baby and you want to buy it or make it or whatever, I would absolutely LOVE it. The fact that someone besides DH and me are thinking of my son, warms my heart to no end. Now, I might cry, but I would never be upset!!!!
The holiday was okay, stressful but okay. I did do some shopping and have everything for my angel tree angel...I think I have been flying through buying stuff so I don't have to concentrate on what it's for...does that make sense? Kind of just going through the motions....
But we survived and are going on with life....

Thursday, November 26, 2009

To Elliot

To my sweet Elliot,
Today is a day to be thankful, although I am finding it hard to be thankful for anything, I need to. I am thankful for family and friends.
I miss you so much today. I thought you were going to be born today, which makes this day that much harder to find things to be thankful for. I imagined Daddy pacing while you were being born and forgetting all about hunting next week as soon as he saw your sweet face. I imagined sleeping with you in my arms and never wanting to let you go. I imagined being stingy with you, wanting you all to myself and people having to pry you out of my arms.
I miss you.
Your headstone will be fixed on Friday, thankfully, I guess one more thing to be thankful for.
Everyday life is such a struggle with you not here...I feel like the biggest failure in the world, the worst mommy ever...hell I don't even feel like I deserve the title "mommy," not today anyhow.
As I was taking a bath I was staring at that scar. That fucking scar that reminds me everyday how much I failed at being a mommy. It reminds me of you everyday, I will always have a scar on my belly and one on my heart, but feeling this pain also reminds me of how much you were loved. Your daddy and I love you soooooo much. You were sooooo wanted, it's hard living life without you....
I love you my sweet angel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you Elliot.
Love you forever and always,

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


So Elliot's headstone was finished today and DH and I went to see it. First off it's not correct, there isn't the vase on it that we paid extra for. This makes me sad for the simple reason that this is the last thing we bought for Elliot and they didn't get it right. My poor angel can't even get the proper headstone! Nothing in his life went right, why should I have expected this to?
While we were standing there, the ground looked so soft where he lay...every inch of my being wanted to dig through the soft ground, with my bare hands, no matter how long it took, to pull my baby from the earth and hold him one last time, breath life into his still body, bring him back to me, hear him cry for the first time, make him smile. Isn't it funny the way our minds work in moments of desperation? It took every ounce of strength I had to not bend down and start digging, throwing dirt everywhere to get to my baby. My precious boy lay just beneath the soft earth, in that ungodly plastic box they call a coffin.
This has been the first time I went to his grave since we buried him, DH too. We both broke down.
Did you know they don't make coffin's for babies. I wish we didn't need them, but to bury your precious child in what looked like a plastic box still makes me angry. He deserved better than a plastic box for his resting place, a FUCKING plastic box!
And to top it off, the thought of finalizing everything with the headstone being in place, the same week I thought I was going to give birth just kills me. I am supposed to be holding my little boy in my arms for the first time, holding him, staring at him in his crib, not standing over his grave, weeping for him!

Prresent for Adriana - Ben and Sophia

Present for Jen - Ella

Present for Almost a Mother - Sophie and Aiden

Monday, November 23, 2009

Thank YOU!


Thank you so much for Elliot's wings. I love them!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Why do I feel so jealous? I know it's human nature, but this jealousy isn't like anything I have felt before and I am not sure how to handle it. I shy away from people I love because the green monster roars its head and I'm sooooo very afraid of coming unglued and saying something I will later regret....not because of anything they have said or done, just because this monster feels so overwhelming right now, I don't know how long I will be able to keep it at bay...
My EDD is coming up, December 5, although I was hoping Elliot would be a Thanksgiving baby. I am so confused about the emotions I am feeling...I'm jealous, as noted above, angry, sad, depressed, but also trying so damned hard to be happy. Do I even have the right to be happy right now? Is it always going to be this much work to be happy? I feel like I spend so much time fighting feelings that I don't have time for other things, again neglecting family and friends.
It just breaks my heart that I should still be pregnant, getting ready to give birth and my body is empty and my baby is already in heaven! How can one even begin to comprehend that? To make it through to the other side? My baby is dead, what a harsh statement, my baby is dead, what a cruel statement and yet, I can't get it out of my head, my... baby... is... dead...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Present for Emma - Addison

Present for MB - Quinn

Present for Jennifer - Bryston

Present for Holly - Carleigh

Present for Rikki - Eli and Jett


Okay, so my lack of planning led to a dead battery in my camera! Story of my life, but I am posting the few pics I have finished....If you don't see yours, let me know, I hope to have more on here shortly, after the battery is charged!

Presents for EVERYONE

I am doing name pictures for everyone who wants them...I will be posting the blogs I follow shortly, if you want one, please ask, I am more than happy to do it. If you see your childs name and want the original emailed to you please leave me your email address, I can't figure out how to get them from the profiles. Also, if you want one sent to someone else, please let me know.
<3 Brandy

Thursday, November 19, 2009

More Rambling & Question

It seems that's all I ever do...
I had a good day today...had a GREAT meeting with a big client for work...long trip but worth it. I have been buying stuff for my Angel Tree Angel..but she didn't ask for a lot and I don't have clothing sizes and she's 12...that age where you have NO IDEA what they think is cool, but I am hoping mom and I can find enough stuff for her to have a good Christmas this year.
Thank you everyone for your ornament suggestions...after I posted that blog, my WONDERFUL cousin Lori called and surprised me! She bought Elliot, Russ and I the Hallmark Angel ornament where there is a baby with wings laying beside a candle. And she doesn't read my blog, so it was ironic...
I am having a lot of mixed emotions with the holiday's coming up and my EDD was December 5, although I was hoping for a Thanksgiving baby...It seems like time has passed so fast and at times so slow...does that make sense? I am hoping I can stay comfortably numb until the new year! (Thank you Pink Floyd) Like I said, I'm rambling tonight.
I have a question for everyone...Can anyone recommend a natural sleep aid other than warm milk? I'm lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and I know I cannot continue doing this. I take my xanax sometimes when it has been a couple of days, but I do not want to become dependant on any medication of any sort to sleep, so any suggestions would be helpful...and milk upsets my tummy...
Talking of sleep, I might as well lay down and try to get some, have a presentation for work tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


So, I have been reading my blogs, and I am sooo sad in all of them. Although my life has been consumed by Elliot's death, I am not always completely miserable, although when I'm not, I feel guilty, but that's another issue to blog about.
Anyhoo, I am thankful for the short time I got to know baby, God granted him 24 days on this earth. He got to meet his grandparents, his Aunt Danielle, Janet and cousin Garrett. He got to meet Bob and Julie Queen, no one could ask for better friends. He also go to meet my boss and his son, which was super nice. And although he flipped Father Jim off, I'll tell that one later, he was able to meet God's messenger that married his mommy and daddy and who has helped them deal with his death.
I am thankful I got to hold my baby while he was still alive, he got to feel my heartbeat from the outside, smell my skin and feel the love his mommy had for him.
I am thankful that DH got to hold him. He heard his daddy's heartbeat for the first time, got to feel his fuzzy chest, smell him and feel the most pure, complete love that a man can have for his child!
I am thankful for such a wonderful DH! No one could ask for a better one. The way he loves me, no one can ever touch. Through good and bad, thick and thin and this tragedy, we have become closer and no one will ever be able to take that from us.
I am thankful for such wonderful family and friends. They have always been wonderful, but everyone really stepped up to the plate when we needed them the most.
I am thankful for random acts of kindness, my faith has been restored in people, even when the best intentions fall through, it's still been good.
I am especially thankful for our "crew," you know who you are, if it wasn't for you guys, we would be in a world of hurt!!!
I am thankful to be one of God's children.
And I am hopeful that through God's serenity, the sun will always shine tomorrow. I hope he will grant us the wish of a healthy child, to watch grow up and to care for.
I am thankful for my Blog Friends. Although I hate that this how we met, I don't know what I'd do with out you all!!!
Most importantly, I am thankful for my life. As much bad that has happened, I wouldn't be who I am today if it had not happened this way. I believe one day I will understand everything when I am in heaven. I do believe God has a master plan. And perhaps who knew I was strong enough to carry this burden so that some one else didn't have to....I don't know....

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dead Baby's First Christmas Ornament....

So this is so morbid and I know it...but I was looking for an ornament for Elliot's first Christmas. I've looked at angels and everything relating to babies...There's a baby's First Christmas, our first Christmas, first Christmas in our new house, first Christmas married and so on, but WHERE is the "Dead Baby's First Christmas???" I know that's sooooo wrong, but that's all I can think when I'm looking for an ornament and I'm really weird about ornaments, they are special and have to speak for me when I buy them, just how I've always been, but I just can't seem to find the "Dead baby's First Christmas...." And I really hope no one knows where to find it, cause if so, that means you've been looking for one too....

Friday, November 13, 2009

First One!!!!!

Thank you SOOOO much Holly!! This is my first name picture and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


So, yesterday Elliot would have been 3 months old, and we would be closer to coming home, or so I hope we would. It's so hard not to think about what might have been...A girlfriend is in the NICU and is getting to do a lot of things we never made it to. I am soooooo happy for her, but it's a bittersweet happiness, Elliot would have been a month ahead of her son and we would be comparing notes and I would be getting to tell her what she had to look forward to, now I just am hearing all that I am missing. But I love her and her son and pray for them sooooo much. I'm almost obsessed with praying for her baby, I'm starting to think it's not healthy. LOL And I ask Elliot to watch over him to make sure his mommy leaves the hospital with a baby, not empty arms.
So over the last 3 months, my whole world has changed, in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone. Conversations with friends are mostly awkward, except a few. I feel like I can't talk to my friends with babies, I don't want to scare the hell out of them...I have a hard talking to DH about it, I try to be strong for him, like he has been for me. Don't get me wrong, we break down together A LOT, but there are a lot of nights I wait until he is asleep and go into the spare room and go through Elliot's chest and cry, sobbing so hard I drool and catch myself because I'm crying so loud I don't want to wake him up.
It's hard to talk to my mom because I don't want to upset her. I want her to know I am healing. I get tired of her telling me we should wait longer than to February before we start trying again...
So back to yesterday, I didn't even light my "Baby Candles." I totally forgot about it until today. I do that a lot though, especially when it comes to my dad. I prepare myself so much and tell myself I have to hold it together, that those "special" days come and go without a second thought from that normal? I don't know anymore....
On another note: My mom and I are getting an angel off the Angel Tree this year. I have wanted to do this forever and figured this year would be as good as any and I cannot wait to start buying Christmas for whatever child we get. It warms my heart knowing that we will be helping someone who needs it and making a precious child smile on Christmas morning....something I won't get to experience with my own child, although I know he will be smiling from above!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Lost Ramblings

I am feeling very lost tonight. Tonight more than other nights, I'm not sure why...
I made a strange call to the funeral home today to see if they had taken picture of Elliot after he was ready.They didn't, I know it was a stretch, but I had to try. I want more pictures of Elliot so bad it hurts, but I can never have them and it's killing me. And I was hoping for one from the funeral home because he looked so perfect and I never want to forget that image of my baby boy. I wish we as a society were more understanding when it comes to death. Why did I scream at the nurse who was trying to takes pictures of us holding Elliot? At the time I thought it was impersonal and I was furious, my baby was dying and they were snapping I'm soooo mad because I don't have them!
My EDD is less then a month away. It's funny how when I was pregnant it felt like a lifetime before that day would be here, now it feels like it was no time at all! Does that make sense?
I would give anything to still be pregnant, to not have this scar that is a constant reminder that my body failed me. To feel Elliot growing inside of me, to be miserable, I would give anything.
I think I am just beginning my grieving process, I tried to be so strong for Russell for so long...I have had a lot of loss in My life, seen too many family members take their last breath and I thought I needed to be strong for him. But I have discovered losing a child cannot compare to anything I have ever experienced, and I hope to never experience it again....
I am so mad for not taking more pictures and it is just now bothering me...I feel like I would be in a better place if I had more pictures, I don't know if this is true and it's just another thing to beat myself about, but I am....
I want so bad to be a mommy, to a living child. I want to hold him it in my arms, rock it to sleep, give it life nourishing milk from my body....My heart aches so bad..and I feel guilty for wanting another baby so soon, I am not trying to replace Elliot or the hole in my heart, I just want a the family I have always dreamed of.
I still question Why? everyday...Will I ever stop questioning and just accept it? I don't know but being in a constant state of Why? is exhausting, but I can't seem to move past it.
I don't feel so angry as I did even a week ago, but I am so sad that it hurts and is very tiring...exhausting, I'm so exhausted all the time...
I want to smile instead of cry, I want to know I did all I could, not this constant wishing I would have done this or that, or questioning if I did enough...
This new normal is not what I had in mind when I was six or seven, dreaming of being married and having a family of my own...
Here's to a better tomorrow.....

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting for October

Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been a few months now since we lost Elliot...I hate saying lost, I didn't misplace him, but saying since he died, or his death just seems like to harsh of words for now. I don't know where I am in my grief, I go back a forth a lot. Most days I am dealing with utter sadness and lots of questions. Why? is the biggest one. And it kills me that I will never know. I feel like DH and I were robbed of our perfect life. Not that our life is perfect, no ones is, but Elliot was so wanted and so loved and I feel like he was robbed from us, taken for no reason. I still have a lot of anger, I am so angry at God at times, but thankful at others, at least I got to spend some time with Elliot, some parents never get that. I go back and forth A LOT!
I pray for the day that I can think of Elliot and say his name and talk of him with smiles instead of tears.
I have found a little peace, enough that I don't breakdown everyday after work, just a few days a week now...enough that I don't feel like I'm in a constant fog, just a little fog. And I pray for this fog to lift...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Letter from the Dr.

So the specialist I went to last Friday, cc'ed me the letter he is sending to my OBGYN.
In the letter he pretty much attributes my pre-term birth to bacteria I had prior to conceiving that were living in my uterus and a severe case of GBS, which he believes my body doesn't make an anti-body to.
So his recommendation to my Doc are as follows:
Being completely recovered mentally and physically from prior birth and 3-4 regular menstrual cycles after stopping oral contraception before trying to conceive again
A round of anti-biotics before I even try to conceive again and anti-biotics at 24 and 36 weeks
Regular urine tests and treatment if GBS if apparent
Weekly progesterone shots beginning at 15 weeks
Weekly ultra sounds of my cervix and a possible cerclage, or stitch in my cervix

So although there is a plan in place, I am a nervous wreck and I am sure I will be until I deliver a full-term, healthy baby.

I also wanted to share that I had a WONDERFUL conversation with a special person that is an Angel Mommy. She doesn't share her story often, but felt comfortable enough to open up to me, which touches me to no end. Being a part of this "club" is awful, but seeing it is possible to have more, healthy babies and a "normal" life is possible. I know only time will heal my wounds and I am in the process of discovering a new normal, our conversation has given more hope than I have felt this whole journey. People can share their stories all day long, and I read SOOOO many blogs about parents and their Rainbow Babies, but having someone so close to me open up about her story has really helped my spirit!!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Here are photo's of my and DH's tattoos to remember Elliot. Mine is the prints, Elliiot's actaul prints. DH has the cross.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dr. Visit, Tattoo's and a Headstone...

So, at my doctors visit on Friday, I was told that they didn't think the group B strep was the main cause of my pre-term labor. That kind of devastated me, I thought if we could narrow it down to one thing, then that's all I would have to worry about next time around. Apparently they think I have more bacteria than just Group B and when I was pregnant, AF couldn't flush them out and they built up, compounded with the Group B, so they really don't know exactly what the hell happened. BUT there is a plan of action for the next time. I will be given a cleansing round of anti-biotics before I get pregnant and when I become pregnant, at 15 weeks I will be getting weekly progesterone injections and weekly cervix checks, I will also be given a couple of rounds of anit-biotics throughout my pregnancy...I am so SCARED!! But I don't want to stop trying again because of fear! I am meant to be a mommy!
So Friday night I got my tattoo finished, I will post pictures later, I had Elliot's Hand prints and Foot prints tattooed on my back around his name, it looks pretty cool. While we were there DH found a cross he wanted, so on Saturday we went back to have his cross done, it has a ribbon wrapped around it that says "In Memory of Elliot." It's beautiful.
From the tattoo parlor, we went straight to Quality Monuments to picked out Elliot's Headstone. We had been putting it off, just for the simple fact, it was hard. We looked at a lot of stones outside, but nothing spoke to me. So we ventured inside and I saw it. A Teddy Bear. It is about 3 foot tall and perfect. Once they have it set I will take pictures of it. I know to some this might sound morbid, but it's my baby boy's!!!
We had a pretty good weekend, other than bawling the whole time at Quality Monument's, but we cried together, so it was okay.
So this week's task is to call the Dr. and find out when I need to go off the BC before be start TTC again. They want us to wait until the end of January, but want me off the pill for a while first, so the planning begins! Wish us luck!!!