Lost Ramblings

I am feeling very lost tonight. Tonight more than other nights, I'm not sure why...
I made a strange call to the funeral home today to see if they had taken picture of Elliot after he was ready.They didn't, I know it was a stretch, but I had to try. I want more pictures of Elliot so bad it hurts, but I can never have them and it's killing me. And I was hoping for one from the funeral home because he looked so perfect and I never want to forget that image of my baby boy. I wish we as a society were more understanding when it comes to death. Why did I scream at the nurse who was trying to takes pictures of us holding Elliot? At the time I thought it was impersonal and I was furious, my baby was dying and they were snapping pictures...now I'm soooo mad because I don't have them!
My EDD is less then a month away. It's funny how when I was pregnant it felt like a lifetime before that day would be here, now it feels like it was no time at all! Does that make sense?
I would give anything to still be pregnant, to not have this scar that is a constant reminder that my body failed me. To feel Elliot growing inside of me, to be miserable, I would give anything.
I think I am just beginning my grieving process, I tried to be so strong for Russell for so long...I have had a lot of loss in My life, seen too many family members take their last breath and I thought I needed to be strong for him. But I have discovered losing a child cannot compare to anything I have ever experienced, and I hope to never experience it again....
I am so mad for not taking more pictures and it is just now bothering me...I feel like I would be in a better place if I had more pictures, I don't know if this is true and it's just another thing to beat myself about, but I am....
I want so bad to be a mommy, to a living child. I want to hold him it in my arms, rock it to sleep, give it life nourishing milk from my body....My heart aches so bad..and I feel guilty for wanting another baby so soon, I am not trying to replace Elliot or the hole in my heart, I just want a the family I have always dreamed of.
I still question Why? everyday...Will I ever stop questioning and just accept it? I don't know but being in a constant state of Why? is exhausting, but I can't seem to move past it.
I don't feel so angry as I did even a week ago, but I am so sad that it hurts and is very tiring...exhausting, I'm so exhausted all the time...
I want to smile instead of cry, I want to know I did all I could, not this constant wishing I would have done this or that, or questioning if I did enough...
This new normal is not what I had in mind when I was six or seven, dreaming of being married and having a family of my own...
Here's to a better tomorrow.....