Sunday, November 22, 2009


Why do I feel so jealous? I know it's human nature, but this jealousy isn't like anything I have felt before and I am not sure how to handle it. I shy away from people I love because the green monster roars its head and I'm sooooo very afraid of coming unglued and saying something I will later regret....not because of anything they have said or done, just because this monster feels so overwhelming right now, I don't know how long I will be able to keep it at bay...
My EDD is coming up, December 5, although I was hoping Elliot would be a Thanksgiving baby. I am so confused about the emotions I am feeling...I'm jealous, as noted above, angry, sad, depressed, but also trying so damned hard to be happy. Do I even have the right to be happy right now? Is it always going to be this much work to be happy? I feel like I spend so much time fighting feelings that I don't have time for other things, again neglecting family and friends.
It just breaks my heart that I should still be pregnant, getting ready to give birth and my body is empty and my baby is already in heaven! How can one even begin to comprehend that? To make it through to the other side? My baby is dead, what a harsh statement, my baby is dead, what a cruel statement and yet, I can't get it out of my head, my... baby... is... dead...


  1. It will take time to get through this. I still have days like this, and i am know that others who have been part of the club for longer still have days like this. You have every right to be happy, so don't feel guilty about it. But don't force yourself into fake happiness - let it come in its own time. Forcing it will make you feel worse - allow yourself to feel whatever you are really feeling. Hang in there - we're all here for you...

  2. Every emotion that your feeling is very normal and even expected. I too had a hard time accepting that my feeling happy for brief moments doesnt negate any of my grieving for Bryston. We are on a roller coaster of emotions and some days you will be on a high and others down at the pit of the ride. I have days that start out great and then out of nowhere I hit a brick wall and the reality of Brystons passing is just too much for me. This is unfortunatley our new normal. It sucks and its not right but it is what it is. Be strong and if you need anything feel free to contact me anytime. *HUGS*

  3. My due date is Nov 28th and I have been having a tough time knowing that this is when my angels were supposed to come into our lives. I think this is a tough time for you as it is me also because this is the time they were supposed to be born into OUR arms. I think Susan said it right, we need to allow ourselves to feel. You are not alone. ((hugs))

  4. Susan's right, there's really no avoiding these emotions. I try my best to just plow right through them. There's really no "wrong" way to feel.

    Don't feel guilty for your happiness. Elliot would not want you to be sad forever on his account.

    It's been 3 1/2 years for me, and I don't think "the other side" is a permanent place. I spend most of my time walking the line and bouncing between. I find so much joy in my living children, but then they are a constant reminder of what I lost.

    In talking to my mother (stillbirth @ 21 weeks), her mother (stillbirth full term), and my father's mother (death at almost 3 years), it never really goes away. You'll always miss him. Life will carry you in its current and you'll move forward, but you'll never forget and you'll never stop loving him. And you grieve because of that love. I don't want the hurt to go away because I hurt because I love her.


  5. You don't know me, but I am Brittanie Cannady's mom. My baby died 30 years ago on Labor Day and I still think of her and wonder what she would have been like. I have 7 wonderful children but I still mourn the one who died. I don't think as a mom that you can ever get over the one you lost. You can only go on and live your life and try to to put it in the back of your mind, not to forget, you will never forget, only so that you can go on. When Brittanie's Cora died it brought it all back . There will be times when things will do that too. Sometimes it's so hard to go on but it will happen.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. To feel all of these emotions is normal. You just have to let yourself feel everything- don't question it or even try to understand it... it is part of the grieving process. I still find myself on this roller coaster of emotions, even 12 months after having lost Shiloh. I'm even still jealous of pregnant women and women with newborns, and of people who are just plain happy. I used to be so happy as well. This grief is complicated. We are not only mourning the death of our child, but we are mourning the death of ourselves as well- our innocence, our happiness....

    I'm here for you if you'd like to talk. This journey can be so isolating so it's nice to know that there are others out there that can understand your pain. I hope you are finding some moments of peace.