Thursday, November 26, 2009

To Elliot

To my sweet Elliot,
Today is a day to be thankful, although I am finding it hard to be thankful for anything, I need to. I am thankful for family and friends.
I miss you so much today. I thought you were going to be born today, which makes this day that much harder to find things to be thankful for. I imagined Daddy pacing while you were being born and forgetting all about hunting next week as soon as he saw your sweet face. I imagined sleeping with you in my arms and never wanting to let you go. I imagined being stingy with you, wanting you all to myself and people having to pry you out of my arms.
I miss you.
Your headstone will be fixed on Friday, thankfully, I guess one more thing to be thankful for.
Everyday life is such a struggle with you not here...I feel like the biggest failure in the world, the worst mommy ever...hell I don't even feel like I deserve the title "mommy," not today anyhow.
As I was taking a bath I was staring at that scar. That fucking scar that reminds me everyday how much I failed at being a mommy. It reminds me of you everyday, I will always have a scar on my belly and one on my heart, but feeling this pain also reminds me of how much you were loved. Your daddy and I love you soooooo much. You were sooooo wanted, it's hard living life without you....
I love you my sweet angel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you Elliot.
Love you forever and always,


  1. Just stopping by to wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving, Hugs!

    P.S. You so do desearve the title mommy, claim it and cherish it!

  2. *Note to self* don't drop the "F" bomb when writing to your angel!!! Boy it's funny what comes outta my mouth and head when I'm upset!!!

  3. Oh honey, you deserve the title. The amount of love you poured into your little boy proves how good a mommy you are. I know you feel like a failure. I do too. But that doesn't mean that you are a bad mother. The love you have for your son makes you a better mother than many. All he ever knew was your love and that means something. (hugs)

  4. Brandy, I hope today has been a little easier for you. I read your post on Tina's blog - I absolutely LOVE the idea of starting a quilt and doing a square for each Christmas and birthday. It is possibly one of the most fabulous ideas I have heard yet!! I hope that you find some peace in working on this project, and I would love to see some pictures as you go! (P.S...sometimes the more F-bombs, the better...) Hugs to you... :-)

  5. Despite the immense pain, there are still things to be thankful for. Like you said, family and friends. I'm glad to hear that the stone will be fixed.

  6. Being thankful does not come easily with such a loss. And you are a mother, no matter what happened you did not cause it. I'm certain he knows how much you love him and how much you wanted him. You are his mother and that will never change. Hugs to you.