Monday, November 30, 2009


So my best friend since like first grade came "home" for the holiday. She lives like 8 to 10 hours away. Her baby boy was born the week before my Elliot. I love her dearly, as we have been friends forever and I have always been able to tell her everything and lean on her in my time of need. I did not go and visit her while she was in. I wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Is this selfish of me? I think so....But I also know she understands, she told me she did...So why do I feel so horrible??? It has been a while since I've seen her and I miss her and I wish I hadn't been such a coward! This whole grief roller coaster sucks so much!!!
So I had another friend ask me how I felt about things being bought for or in memory of Elliot? I LOVE IT! If you ever see anything that reminds you of my dear baby and you want to buy it or make it or whatever, I would absolutely LOVE it. The fact that someone besides DH and me are thinking of my son, warms my heart to no end. Now, I might cry, but I would never be upset!!!!
The holiday was okay, stressful but okay. I did do some shopping and have everything for my angel tree angel...I think I have been flying through buying stuff so I don't have to concentrate on what it's for...does that make sense? Kind of just going through the motions....
But we survived and are going on with life....


  1. You are definitely not a coward. I would have made the same decision you did about not visiting your friend. It sounds like she understands so you should let yourself off the hook. From what I understand, grief and mourning is a long process and we need to do what is comfortable for us.

    So happy you have everything for your angel tree. xo

  2. You are not a coward. I am mad at her actually. If she really understood she would have found someone to leave her baby with for an hour or so and given you the biggest hug possible. Understanding is all relative and it is impossible for those who haven't walked this path to understand.

  3. It's understandable that it would be hard to see your friend. All of us loss moms can sympathize. It is indeed wonderful if someone would buy a gift or do something in memory of your baby!

  4. I was the same way with my closest friend for the first 2 months because she is pregnant and I wasnt sure if I could face her. Its totally normal to feel that way and Im betting she feels just as awkard about the whole thing, I know my friend did anyway. It will get easier, I promise. *HUGS*

  5. Not a coward, not by any means. You weren't ready and you can't be sorry for protecting yourself. What a friend, that she understood. So many people fail to understand that there are things we simply cannot do. In time it may get easier, but don't be too hard on yourself.


  6. Your not a coward Brandy! I know you have been through hell... I couldn't even begin to understand or know what it's like.. BUT you know I love you and I am always here for you :) So stop feeling bad because I will be back!

  7. Do not feel bad at all- it's normal. This is a difficult time and you need to do whatever is best for you to take care of yourself.

    I have 2 nieces and a few friends with babies around the same age that my son would be (8 mos). As much as I adore the babies and am happy for my friends, it is still hurts a bit when I see them because it's a reminder that my son is not here.

  8. I was pregnant with my best friend. She got to take her baby girl home (who ALSO had red hair!) and I didn't. I DID go visit her (it was exactly 2 months after I lost Cora that I saw her) but I think it was because we were just passing through on our way to Las Vegas and I could use that as an excuse to make it as short as I needed it to be. And she had just lost her father, so I wanted to give her and her mother hugs for that as well.

    I have no idea how I summoned up the courage for that, and so I can totally understand why you didn't. I nearly didn't.

    Hopefully when you get the courage and opportunity next you'll take the chance. It's like lancing a boil, it HURTS SO MUCH while it's happening, but afterwords you feel much better. And hopefully then your friend will be as understanding as mine. She cried first. She has no idea how much that meant and still means to me.