Tuesday, November 24, 2009


So Elliot's headstone was finished today and DH and I went to see it. First off it's not correct, there isn't the vase on it that we paid extra for. This makes me sad for the simple reason that this is the last thing we bought for Elliot and they didn't get it right. My poor angel can't even get the proper headstone! Nothing in his life went right, why should I have expected this to?
While we were standing there, the ground looked so soft where he lay...every inch of my being wanted to dig through the soft ground, with my bare hands, no matter how long it took, to pull my baby from the earth and hold him one last time, breath life into his still body, bring him back to me, hear him cry for the first time, make him smile. Isn't it funny the way our minds work in moments of desperation? It took every ounce of strength I had to not bend down and start digging, throwing dirt everywhere to get to my baby. My precious boy lay just beneath the soft earth, in that ungodly plastic box they call a coffin.
This has been the first time I went to his grave since we buried him, DH too. We both broke down.
Did you know they don't make coffin's for babies. I wish we didn't need them, but to bury your precious child in what looked like a plastic box still makes me angry. He deserved better than a plastic box for his resting place, a FUCKING plastic box!
And to top it off, the thought of finalizing everything with the headstone being in place, the same week I thought I was going to give birth just kills me. I am supposed to be holding my little boy in my arms for the first time, holding him, staring at him in his crib, not standing over his grave, weeping for him!


  1. Oh I am right there with you, I too have wanted to dig through the earth and rescue Bryston. I just keep thinking how cold he must be, its insane but its what I was thinking. Im so sorry they messed up his headstone! *HUGS*

  2. So sorry to hear about the mix up with the headstone. I hope they will fix it for you.

    Yes, the things we do in desperation. It must have been so hard to go back.. but also comforting to visit your baby boy.

  3. So, wait, do you have to accept an incorrect stone? ((we chose cremation, so I have no experience)) They didn't give you what you paid for, are they going to make you keep it when it's wrong?

    (dothug) I've felt similar (though different).

  4. Sorry about the headstone mixup. I can only imagine how hard that must have been. Hopefully they will fix it for you. I feel your heartbreak through your words. xo

  5. I am so sorry about the mix up or whatever it was. I think that sometimes people who work in the business become a bit removed. I wish they knew the pain families go through.

    Also, I wasn't at my baby's funeral, but the idea of the box really killed me and I remembering begging hubby to go get him because he was cold and lonely...total breakdown moment, but part of that was the fact that he was just in a lousy box.

    It sucks...I am so sorry.

  6. Brandy, I hope that they are able to fix the vase/stone issue quickly. We planted flower bulbs around my grandparents' and Gracie's markers about a month ago. When I was digging with the little gardening shovel, I had the same thoughts about how easy it would be to keep digging. I also had the same hang-up with the plastic casket - but it was better than the 'polystyrene' casket that was included in the free services offered by our funeral home. It took me about 3 seconds to realize that 'polystyrene casket' was fancy terminology for 'styrofoam cooler.' There was no way I was going to put my little girl in a cooler for eternity. I wish none of us ever had to think about these things!

  7. I'm so sorry that they didn't get the headstone correct! Are they going to fix it? They'd better!!

    Yeah, for free services you get either plastic or styrofoam. Not much of a choice, huh? You'd think they'd have something a little better than that.