Monday, November 9, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting for October

Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been a few months now since we lost Elliot...I hate saying lost, I didn't misplace him, but saying since he died, or his death just seems like to harsh of words for now. I don't know where I am in my grief, I go back a forth a lot. Most days I am dealing with utter sadness and lots of questions. Why? is the biggest one. And it kills me that I will never know. I feel like DH and I were robbed of our perfect life. Not that our life is perfect, no ones is, but Elliot was so wanted and so loved and I feel like he was robbed from us, taken for no reason. I still have a lot of anger, I am so angry at God at times, but thankful at others, at least I got to spend some time with Elliot, some parents never get that. I go back and forth A LOT!
I pray for the day that I can think of Elliot and say his name and talk of him with smiles instead of tears.
I have found a little peace, enough that I don't breakdown everyday after work, just a few days a week now...enough that I don't feel like I'm in a constant fog, just a little fog. And I pray for this fog to lift...


  1. I know how you feel. I wish it were easier, and I pray that fog will lift!

  2. The fog will lift, slowly but surely... it will come back some days- but it will lift.. does that mean that you forget, stop remembering, stop being sad- No.. it just means it gets a tiny bit easier to live in a 'new normal'...
    I'm sorry Elliot isn't with you where he belongs.

    This is my first time on your site- you write beautifully- I hope you, like me, find a little peace in writing.

  3. I know what you mean about feeling robbed. I walk around feeling that way alot.

    I too hate the term "dead" For some reason I can say Peyton died, but saying she is dead, well it just hurts even more.

    Sending you prayers for peace in your heart.

  4. I use to say I "lost" Cora a lot too. Until I talked to a friend whose sister was stillborn when she was 5. She told me that she used to think that her parents misplaced her baby sister. More specifically that the got left in the parking lot of a store they went to frequently, and developed a fear that her parents would lose her there too. As much as it hurt, I started saying when Cora died from that point, because I didn't want my living children to think that I would ever lose them.

    It gets easier to bear. I don't think it ever hurts less, you just learn how to carry it so it doesn't hurt so sharply or so frequently. You'll get to the point where the grief isn't constantly at the front of your attention but on a back burner, where you know it's there but you don't have to pay attention to it all the time anymore.


  5. I know that over time things will get better. I know this b/c of the many women who have walked this path before us. They stand as a testament that you can be happy again but they will also tell you that you never forget your baby.