Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Latest Doctor's appt.

So I went back to the doctor's today...although I was for sure some force was trying to prevent me from going...locked the keys in the car and couldn't find my wallet with my new insurance card anywhere! Thankfully my life saver Lori took me to my appointment and I finally found my wallet after a frantic 45 minute search.
And can I say I hate yearlies?!?! And breast exams, geesh! Russ is a boob man and doesn't even yank 'em around that much!! LOL
So things looked good, considering I hadn't been checked since I left the hospital after Elliot was born. He of course wants me to lose weight, I knew that was coming, he wants me to exercise, continue to de-stress my life and have a much fun as possible, he says doing all of this will increase fertility, well if only it were that easy...I go back on October 2nd and regardless we will start Clomid, if I haven't gotten preggo on my own, so he's telling me. A little over 2 more months. He wants us to get preggo without medicine if possible, which I see his point.
And I am actually not as upset this time with him telling us to wait as I had prepared myself for. Russ got a call for a face to face interview for that job. It was funny, the call came just a few hours before we left for Vegas, so we are supper excited. And if he gets the job, that will relieve a lot of stress. Plus it will give me time to get even better at my new job and hopefully making more money, in turn, less stress. So the thought of waiting 2 more months isn't so bad....
I know God has a plan, and I am not as angry as I thought I would be. I guess I am finally coming to terms with the way things work, it will happen when it happens and I am going to play along...I just hope this new patience thing I am going through now lasts...LOL

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Almost our last first...kind of

So the Fourth of July....I wonder if Elliot would have liked the fireworks or if he would have been scared. I did not participate in the holiday this year, I just didn't have it in me. And I broke down big time.
This is almost our last first, kind of...Halloween, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of Elliot's first birthday, August 10th... and I say kind of almost our last first because there are still so many things we will never experience for the first time, crying, smiles, words, steps, fights, kisses, groundings, funny things he would have said, first baby food, real food...I could go on forever....God, it's still so heartbreaking....all things he had and will never experience. I really have no words right now, just tears.
I don't have anything special in mind yet for Elliot's first birthday, just making it through the day without completely losing it....that's my plan for now.
Next year I would like to make dinner for the residents of the Ronald McDonald house on his birthday....If I would have thought of it sooner, we would do it this year, but because of time and of course money, I think it will be good to do next year. Plus I am not sure how I would handle being back there right heart is so heavy right now...I don't think I have ever been at such a loss for words.....they used to pour, and now nothing....
I have lost so much of myself in the last spark, a real smile and my husband informed me I lost my cockiness, and it's true...I used to say bring it on, now I feel like a beaten puppy with its tail constantly between its legs...I have lost my spark and most of my confidence...I will find it again, I hope...but for now it's somewhere out there waiting for me...
We have survived almost our last first...kind of...