Sunday, July 4, 2010

Almost our last first...kind of

So the Fourth of July....I wonder if Elliot would have liked the fireworks or if he would have been scared. I did not participate in the holiday this year, I just didn't have it in me. And I broke down big time.
This is almost our last first, kind of...Halloween, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of Elliot's first birthday, August 10th... and I say kind of almost our last first because there are still so many things we will never experience for the first time, crying, smiles, words, steps, fights, kisses, groundings, funny things he would have said, first baby food, real food...I could go on forever....God, it's still so heartbreaking....all things he had and will never experience. I really have no words right now, just tears.
I don't have anything special in mind yet for Elliot's first birthday, just making it through the day without completely losing it....that's my plan for now.
Next year I would like to make dinner for the residents of the Ronald McDonald house on his birthday....If I would have thought of it sooner, we would do it this year, but because of time and of course money, I think it will be good to do next year. Plus I am not sure how I would handle being back there right heart is so heavy right now...I don't think I have ever been at such a loss for words.....they used to pour, and now nothing....
I have lost so much of myself in the last spark, a real smile and my husband informed me I lost my cockiness, and it's true...I used to say bring it on, now I feel like a beaten puppy with its tail constantly between its legs...I have lost my spark and most of my confidence...I will find it again, I hope...but for now it's somewhere out there waiting for me...
We have survived almost our last first...kind of...


  1. I lost my spark and most of my confidence too. I'm still waiting to find it.

  2. We're right there with you...Gracie's birthday is 8/1. What a year it has been...what a year it should have been in such a different way. Hope you are doing okay and hanging in much as you can be. Thinking of you guys.

  3. First certainly are not easy...One thing I found that really helps is to have a plan for the day. Figure out ahead of time what you might like to do to honour Elliot, what he might have liked to do on his first birthday. That way you have something to anticipate, not just nothingness. For Julia's due date we released balloons and visited a butterfly conservatory and Niagara Falls. We also went out for dinner. We did things to beautifully remember her and it lifted our hearts. :)

  4. I really do believe the 1st yr is the toughest. The 1st birthday is pretty hard. I like the idea of the dinner but it prolly is best to do it next yr when this yr might be difficult.