So, yesterday Elliot would have been 3 months old, and we would be closer to coming home, or so I hope we would. It's so hard not to think about what might have been...A girlfriend is in the NICU and is getting to do a lot of things we never made it to. I am soooooo happy for her, but it's a bittersweet happiness, Elliot would have been a month ahead of her son and we would be comparing notes and I would be getting to tell her what she had to look forward to, now I just am hearing all that I am missing. But I love her and her son and pray for them sooooo much. I'm almost obsessed with praying for her baby, I'm starting to think it's not healthy. LOL And I ask Elliot to watch over him to make sure his mommy leaves the hospital with a baby, not empty arms.
So over the last 3 months, my whole world has changed, in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone. Conversations with friends are mostly awkward, except a few. I feel like I can't talk to my friends with babies, I don't want to scare the hell out of them...I have a hard talking to DH about it, I try to be strong for him, like he has been for me. Don't get me wrong, we break down together A LOT, but there are a lot of nights I wait until he is asleep and go into the spare room and go through Elliot's chest and cry, sobbing so hard I drool and catch myself because I'm crying so loud I don't want to wake him up.
It's hard to talk to my mom because I don't want to upset her. I want her to know I am healing. I get tired of her telling me we should wait longer than to February before we start trying again...
So back to yesterday, I didn't even light my "Baby Candles." I totally forgot about it until today. I do that a lot though, especially when it comes to my dad. I prepare myself so much and tell myself I have to hold it together, that those "special" days come and go without a second thought from me....is that normal? I don't know anymore....
On another note: My mom and I are getting an angel off the Angel Tree this year. I have wanted to do this forever and figured this year would be as good as any and I cannot wait to start buying Christmas for whatever child we get. It warms my heart knowing that we will be helping someone who needs it and making a precious child smile on Christmas morning....something I won't get to experience with my own child, although I know he will be smiling from above!
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I dont think anything in our lives is normal any more much less how we behave in our grief. We are all soo different in our paths. I was pretty forgettful too in the first month or so. And I guess I am still pretty easy to distract with most of my thoughts on my Bryston. I think the angle figurine is a lovely idea. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet that you will be helping a child in need this Christmas. Elliot will most definitely be smiling from above.
ReplyDeletexoxo
After a few months I stopped noticing the 2nd of each month so much. It's so mixed. It's good, because it means you're on the road to healing, but you feel so guilty too. But I've also done it with my living son (I totally forgot to take 6 month footprints and didn't realize I'd forgotten until yesterday and he's 8 1/2 months old now), so it's NORMAL. Life happens and we get taken with the tide whether we want to or not.
ReplyDeleteDon't let others tell you when you should be ready to try again. Another baby won't replace Elliot, but they each bring their own special light and joy. And you CAN love another baby and still love and miss Elliot. (hugs)
(I've tried to comment on a couple of your posts over the last couple of days and blogger has messed up and I've lost the whole thing. So thank you for your comments on mine, it's nice to meet you, although I wish it was for another reason!)
It definitely can be difficult to hold converstations. Most of my conversations I have Carleigh is on my mind and I always wonder if people will bring her up but most of the time they don't.
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