So a friend of mine posted a question on his Facebook page, after answering it, I kind of feel bad...
Question: " Have you ever just answered yes to a question because it was easier than getting into it by saying no? Please give examples...."
My answer: " hmmmm.....a lot lately, actually it's the reverse for me, a lot when I am asked if I have children, sometimes it's just easier to say no, then I don't create the awkwardness when they start asking about how old they are and I have to explain he has died....saves a lot of headache sometimes...and emotions...i know that sounds so wrong...."
So now I ask, have you found yourself doing this? I admit I did it a lot...Sometimes just to avoid the awkwardness....and some days I just wait for people to ask me so that I can tell them my story and about my baby. It just depends on what kind of mood I am in, is this wrong?
I don't want to ignore Elliot or forget about him, and I speak of him often...and I am actually getting better about spouting off the short version of what happened without being obliterated to tears...but some days I just don't have it in me to go through all of it....
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Yes I have done this, and sometimes I just say yes, I have 2 in heaven if I feel up to the questions that I know will follow. And no I dont think its wrong or ignoring our babies. We do have children so its not like its an incorrect answer or anything. Hope this helps! *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteYes, and for me it also depends on my mood. It was harder when I was pregnant with Erin and everyone asked me if it was my first pregnancy. No, it wasn't, but no, I didn't actually have any children at home. When pregnant with Patrick I got "so is it just one other baby then?" since I usually had her with me. And I usually answered yes.
ReplyDeleteOur babies know that we love them and we want to remember them. But it's also easier sometimes to just not bring it up.
((hugs))
I honestly do do that. I feel bad everytime I do it, too. I have dog tags that I got after my daughter passed. I NEVER took it off. Then one day I stopped wearing it. Thinking about it now as I write this. I JUST couldn't bare telling the story to another random stranger on the street, when they ask about the necklace. Now I just wear my pregnancy/infant loss silicone awareness bracelet.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel like you are taking away from Elliot's existence of if you are ignoring him. Because your not. You share is story and you pain with us every day you post a blog.
(((hugs))
I dont think i have ever been asked yet. I think it is because of my age, they think that i am too young to have kids yet. If i did get asked i dont know how i would answer it, it would probably depend on who it was and my mood
ReplyDeleteIt's not wrong, I felt the same exact guilt for not being able to answer those questions too. The guilt is normal, but don't let it bring you down. I got a lot of help when other babyloss mamas stepped in and told me that what I was feeling was normal. Sometimes your pain runs so deep and the story gets told so many times it doesn't feel real (at least to me), and it's those times I cannot talk about her that easily. Other times, like you, I yearn to speak her name and share her story. It's weird how our moods change, but they do.
ReplyDeleteLots of love
I have certainly done this. I remember one time specifically at church, someone asked me if I had kids, and I said no. Immediately afterwards, I felt a sharp stab of guilt run through me. Like my son was saying "Mama, how could you?" I know that's not the case, but it felt that way. My friend got upset with me and told me I should have told them about Trevor. But like you said I just wasn't in the mood for the conversation, or the "sympathy", or the tears. But you also said, sometimes you're waiting for it to come up. I've been there too. I think this is all part of our "new normal." The way we think and feel is forever changed by our Angels.
ReplyDeleteWe've all done this to avoid the awkwardness and the pity looks. I now the face the difficult question of how many children do you have...I have one with me obviously...but his older sister lives in heaven and it guilts me terribly to not acknowledge her beautiful life,too. Doesn't get any easier...
ReplyDeleteThank you for bringing this up. For me it's the same awkwardness, my answer varies and I get that same sense of guilt.
ReplyDeleteI think it is ok for us to answer how we wish.
Its not wrong, you shouldn't feel bad! Sometimes its need to know info! Now I most of the time will say yes I have 1 child. Most of the time that is as far as the question will go. 6 months ago it depended on my mood/day if I wanted to burst into tears... It has gotten easier though to talk about Kasey. Its a new hard now that I am pregnant again though. I get the oh is this your 1st alot... that one hurts...
ReplyDeleteI hate this question. I think we all get it. And the guilt is there. But I think it really depends on the day and what's going on and who you are actually talking to? I mean, do you want to get into it with the walmart clerk? I know the guilt is there that you are not honoring your child/ren, but we have to do what we can to survive this. Your'e not wrong . You're doing what you can!
ReplyDeleteI kind of do it too...sometimes when people ask if I have any children I say "yes, I have two girls". It's not that I'm denying Calvin, but sometimes I just don't want to share my hurt with strangers. I think my son understands, he knows that I don't do it to deny him or pretend he didn't exist, it just hurts too much sometimes to keep dredging it all up.
ReplyDeleteIt's not wrong to say no. Sometimes you just might not have it in you to go into everything that happened.
ReplyDelete