I have to start this post of with a HUGE thanks to one of my best friends! LORI, you are more special to me than I think you will ever know or realize. For those of you who don't know Lori, she is the most giving, understand and amazing women I have ever met. She is a wonderful friend, wife (Well you'll have to ask her hubby, but I bet he'd agree) and mother. I only hope I can be as good a mother to my children as she is to hers!
Lori has been there through everything with Russ and I. We have a very special bond that only we understand. We can go forever without talking and pick right back up like only seconds went by since our last conversation.
She is helping with and the driving force behind the blankets for the NICU, it was her kindness that lead to this project.
And of course, she did it again!
We were together last Friday night, I had had a shitty day....she stole me away to give me a gift. She gave me two tubes of Pineapple Chapstick. Now why is this so amazing? Because she remembered...she remembered that I had said that Elliot always smelled like Pineapple Chapstick. I don't know why he did, he just did and she remembered! Now I can smell Elliot whenever I want to....to some of you this might seem silly, but it means the world to me! And it's funny how something so insignificant could touch my heart so deeply, but only Lori knew what it meant to me and got it! And I needed it at that moment and there it was....
Boys, boys, boys....it seems like everyone around me is pregnant with and having little boys...bitter, yes, do I want to be bitter, no...and I won't be forever....
Babyshowers...bitter? yes because I never got mine for Elliot, do I want to be, no
Birthday coming up...bitter? yes, because my birthday marks six months that Elliot has been gone.
Not being pregnant yet...bitter? yes, duh and don't tell me to stop trying it will happen... as much as I hope it does, we really don't know that, and unless you have had motherhood literally ripped from your hands, don't say that to me even if I ask your opinion. You can sit with your healthy baby and talk to me until you are blue in the face...it won't make a difference about how I feel.
I hate feeling that way, but that's how I feel. I have pulled away from several friends, I don't talk to them like I used to because I am afraid this venom will spill out of my mouth and really hurt someone, I would never want to hurt someone I love, but sometimes I talk without thinking, especially if I am upset....
AND WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DOES IT SEEM LIKE EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT ME?????
So today I am having a bitter type of day, tomorrow I will probably regret everything I just typed, but these are the feelings of a grieving mother, so deal with it, I have to!