Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I have to start this post of with a HUGE thanks to one of my best friends! LORI, you are more special to me than I think you will ever know or realize. For those of you who don't know Lori, she is the most giving, understand and amazing women I have ever met. She is a wonderful friend, wife (Well you'll have to ask her hubby, but I bet he'd agree) and mother. I only hope I can be as good a mother to my children as she is to hers!
Lori has been there through everything with Russ and I. We have a very special bond that only we understand. We can go forever without talking and pick right back up like only seconds went by since our last conversation.
She is helping with and the driving force behind the blankets for the NICU, it was her kindness that lead to this project.
And of course, she did it again!
We were together last Friday night, I had had a shitty day....she stole me away to give me a gift. She gave me two tubes of Pineapple Chapstick. Now why is this so amazing? Because she remembered...she remembered that I had said that Elliot always smelled like Pineapple Chapstick. I don't know why he did, he just did and she remembered! Now I can smell Elliot whenever I want to....to some of you this might seem silly, but it means the world to me! And it's funny how something so insignificant could touch my heart so deeply, but only Lori knew what it meant to me and got it! And I needed it at that moment and there it was....

Boys, boys, boys....it seems like everyone around me is pregnant with and having little boys...bitter, yes, do I want to be bitter, no...and I won't be forever....
Babyshowers...bitter? yes because I never got mine for Elliot, do I want to be, no
Birthday coming up...bitter? yes, because my birthday marks six months that Elliot has been gone.
Not being pregnant yet...bitter? yes, duh and don't tell me to stop trying it will happen... as much as I hope it does, we really don't know that, and unless you have had motherhood literally ripped from your hands, don't say that to me even if I ask your opinion. You can sit with your healthy baby and talk to me until you are blue in the face...it won't make a difference about how I feel.
I hate feeling that way, but that's how I feel. I have pulled away from several friends, I don't talk to them like I used to because I am afraid this venom will spill out of my mouth and really hurt someone, I would never want to hurt someone I love, but sometimes I talk without thinking, especially if I am upset....
So today I am having a bitter type of day, tomorrow I will probably regret everything I just typed, but these are the feelings of a grieving mother, so deal with it, I have to!


  1. OMG! I feel the SAME EXACT WAY! Seriously I feel the SAME EXACT bitter. You couldnt have said it ANY better.

    I also have pulled away from a lot of friends, they just dont seen to 'get it' either. GO AWAY!


  2. That is great you have someone like Lori in your life. How sweet that she got you pineapple Chapstick!

    I too at times have those bitter feelings. They come and go. xx

  3. Me too, I dont want to feel these things but they're there regardless. While I am so incredibly happy for these families especially the ones pregnant with their rainbow babies, its still really hard and I wonder, Why not me? Why cant I have that? That was so very thoughtful of your friend to do. *HUGS*

  4. I have those kinds of days all the time! I think it is why I haven't been blogging much lately!
    I'm so glad you have such a wonderful friend like Lori, those are the best friends you will ever have!

  5. the whole "deal with it, I have to" is something that I can SO relate to. *hugs* feel what you feel when you feel it. I'm glad you have Lori!

  6. I'm so glad you have such a great friend like Lori! She sounds so wonderful! A keeper for sure!! I know it's so hard to see everyone around you pregnant. You can feel like the only one who isn't! I'm praying so hard for all the mommies who are trying and want it so much.

  7. Sitting here being really bitter and not pregnant right along with you...

  8. what a wonderful gift from your friend. It's great to have someone special in your life.

    It's O.K. to be bitter sometimes - while I am pregnant now and very grateful - i am bitter of the women who get to have normal unmedically complicated pregnancies and normal pregnant experiences. and then I have the guilt of not just appreciating what I have- a vicous cycle

  9. Ok, the whole pineapple chapstick thing made me burst into tears. How is it that some people are so inconsiderate and some people are SO amazingly....well, amazing.
    I just know the bitter feelings so well. And even though I'm pregnant and I know that's hard, I still feel the bitterness. I know I'm a step forward in some ways, but my emotions don't take those steps somehow.
    thinking of you and hoping for that BFP

  10. Brandy

    You are entitled to bad days like you describe. Because if you DID NOT show these negative emotions, it would be a disconnect from a tragic reality.

    But don't pull back from friends. You may not realize it, but they mean well and can probably take those "days of venom" better than you think.

    Please remember that, even in the worst of times, there ARE better days, and babies, awaiting you in your life.


  11. I'm so glad that you have such an amazing friend. We need kindred spirits like that.
    HUGS to you!