So, I'm feeling really good/a little happy and it scares the HELL out of me. I am waiting to CRASH back into the desperation and despair that has haunted me since Elliot's death.
I'm getting even more excited about Christmas and my breakdown's have been few and far between the past few weeks. Now, I am by no means "over" this or think of Elliot any less, it's just easier to think of him and smile...Like I said, I'm waiting to crash and burn, how morbid is that? I am assuming this is just another stage of grief we all go through....
But I am also hoping that part of this happiness is coming from the giving that has come from Elliot's death. I would not have gotten and Angel from the Angel Tree, I would not have bought snowmen from McDonald's, I would not be crocheting hats and booties and blankies, there is just a lot I would have not done. And it makes me wonder if my eyes had been opened, would Elliot still be here? Did God take him to open my and my DH's eyes?
Oh, the questions.... part of the reason I NEVER sleep. That hasn't gotten easier. I still hear "And one, and two and three" over and over again whenever I close my eyes and cannot sleep because of it and the questions. I suppose in time it will get easier....
I guess I have also realized something. Grief is selfish, someone commented to me about this and I got it, but I didn't truly understand what they meant until I spoke with my Father-in-Law the other day. I am not the only one grieving for Elliot. DUH!! But I guess I didn't realize how much others where grieving for him, my eyes open a little wider everyday.
Lessons come every day that I wish I didn't have to learn. I wish I could still be blissfully blinded to the things in this world that I never knew existed until a few months ago. But I also find solace in the comfort from those who are walking this path before me, with me and after me. Although I TRULY wish none of us ever had to be here.
Last note: tomorrow is my giveaway. It is also my EDD and so I am looking forward to honoring Elliot; his death, birth and life, by doing this giveaway on what was supposed to be the day he entered this world! So PLEASE check back tomorrow to enter my giveaway!
Brandy
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I know what you are speaking about.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you were yesterday. You are brave to share this with us.
I know that feeling of being a little happy and actually okay. It is scary and I too anticipate the crash. But don't, if you can help it. I really really believe that is a little sign of healing in your heart. And as you said, you won't think of him any less, or even miss him any less but you are learning how to think about your precious Elliot and smile. That in itself is a huge blessing. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI don't think that "opening your eyes" is the REASON Elliot died....it's just a slightly positive side effect. We can be grateful for those. I'm a much better person than I was before Cora died, but I don't think that's why she had to die. That was just an unfortunate mistake of nature that God could use for His purposes.
ReplyDeleteThere's a quote from an episode of Castle that I love. She's talking to another girl who lost her mother, and the girl asks her if it ever goes away. She said "No, it doesn't go away, but one day you wake up and you don't mind carrying it around so much anymore."
Hi Brandy,
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. The EDD is tough. I'll be thinking of you today. I lost my daughter in March. Her EDD was July 10th. I tried to stay busy that day. I knit a few hats and visited the beach tobwrite her name in the sand. Hang in there!
Bree
Yeah, grief can be pretty selfish. There was a point in my journey when I felt that I was the only one grieving when that certainly wasn't true. It just was me or my husband who suffered a loss. It was my whole family. They lost a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin.
ReplyDeleteI can understand be afraid about crashing. I was afraid of it too. I didn't want to go to a dark and lonely place but I realized that sometimes you just have harder days. Even in hard days you can still be happy. Weird concept, I know.
One day, two years after I buried my wonderful son Paxton, I woke from a sound sleep, sat up in bed and realized that my son and daughter had lost their brother. They didn't have their mother there to help them through. I apologized to them and they told me that they never wanted to address their own grief for fear of making me cry. How sad. I have laid three sons to rest. Two born too early to survive for more than a few minutes, one who fell to his death on a vacation at 15 years old. The lessons I have learned have made me a better mother and woman. It is a long journey to get to the place where you can find anything positive from your grief, but the day will come. Grief is a living part of my life. Some days it's a monster, some days a teacher and some days I have learned to live with it in comfortable silence. Take care and I will think of you and send peace and acceptance your way. Elaine Lawson
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