So, I'm feeling really good/a little happy and it scares the HELL out of me. I am waiting to CRASH back into the desperation and despair that has haunted me since Elliot's death.
I'm getting even more excited about Christmas and my breakdown's have been few and far between the past few weeks. Now, I am by no means "over" this or think of Elliot any less, it's just easier to think of him and smile...Like I said, I'm waiting to crash and burn, how morbid is that? I am assuming this is just another stage of grief we all go through....
But I am also hoping that part of this happiness is coming from the giving that has come from Elliot's death. I would not have gotten and Angel from the Angel Tree, I would not have bought snowmen from McDonald's, I would not be crocheting hats and booties and blankies, there is just a lot I would have not done. And it makes me wonder if my eyes had been opened, would Elliot still be here? Did God take him to open my and my DH's eyes?
Oh, the questions.... part of the reason I NEVER sleep. That hasn't gotten easier. I still hear "And one, and two and three" over and over again whenever I close my eyes and cannot sleep because of it and the questions. I suppose in time it will get easier....
I guess I have also realized something. Grief is selfish, someone commented to me about this and I got it, but I didn't truly understand what they meant until I spoke with my Father-in-Law the other day. I am not the only one grieving for Elliot. DUH!! But I guess I didn't realize how much others where grieving for him, my eyes open a little wider everyday.
Lessons come every day that I wish I didn't have to learn. I wish I could still be blissfully blinded to the things in this world that I never knew existed until a few months ago. But I also find solace in the comfort from those who are walking this path before me, with me and after me. Although I TRULY wish none of us ever had to be here.
Last note: tomorrow is my giveaway. It is also my EDD and so I am looking forward to honoring Elliot; his death, birth and life, by doing this giveaway on what was supposed to be the day he entered this world! So PLEASE check back tomorrow to enter my giveaway!