Wednesday, December 30, 2009


So, have you ever read so many other blogs that you scared yourself out of your figgin mind? Well, I just did! I have spent all day reading other BLM blogs and am freaking out. How do these women deal with multiple losses, miscarriages, infertility, all I can say is WOW and Holy Shit - hold on!
I was so naive to everything that could happen, and I still wish I was one who was naive. I have friends who are pregnant and I am afraid to scare the HELL out of them if I slip up and say, well I was reading......
I am also afraid this is going to make me way more anxious if and when we do conceive again!

I don't want to quit reading and I won't but wow, as bad as DH and I have had it, it could be way worse!!

So how do you politely tell friends that your baby isn't replaceable? I'm still hearing "you will have anther one" or, or, "wait til you have kids."

Well, I do have a child, he's just in heaven and while I hope to have another baby one day, I want everyone to know it won't make the pain I feel for the loss of Elliot any less. I will still be as devastated as I am now...could you imagine your baby dying? Didn't think so.....

Not to sound so bitter today, but there are just so many emotions that I don't know what to think anymore. And it's pretty bad when you are trying your best to fake it, and your boss is the only one that notices something isn't quite right...I have sort of secluded myself from the world for the time being, only letting a select few in on the me who isn't faking it....I have to say, I have gotten pretty good, most people don't notice I'm still dying inside! And that's okay with me....


  1. Ha! I scare myself everyday! It is like a bad train wreck and I can't look away. However, there is an upside to reading all those blogs. I learn what can happen, how to handle it (questions to ask, etc). I am armed with knowledge and at the same time, meet some strong women who persevere.
    I tell my friends "shut the heck up. Until you have walked in my shoes, don't give me any advice" (in a loving manner of course).

  2. I hate the way people say things like you can have another... Our losses came after we'd had a handful of kids, so we always heard 'well you've got the others'

    It used to upset me so much- I wanted to shout at them, ask them if I'd be allowed to grieve if one of my older kids died...

  3. Yes, I couldn't agree more. I lost one of my twins and was confronted with "At least you've still got the one" several times after he died. I hated it. Yes, I did have a healthy newborn at home but I had TWO babies who were BOTH very much wanted and loved. People just don't get it...

  4. I am scared all the time. I didnt realize how much this (baby loss) happens until you experience it. I think the scary thing is that it is completly out of your control, you can't see it coming and there is no reason for it. I guess we have to try to see all the happy endings.

  5. I am scared all the time and I cannot believe how naive I was before. People tell me ignorance is bliss. I am not sure it is.

  6. Oh gosh, I've read so many and have read so much info that I think I know every possible thing that could go wrong. It sucks. I don't want to have to think about those things but I can't help it.