Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Emotions Running Rampid

I don't even know if I spelled that right! LOL
So I see my OB on the 21st and I am PRAYING that he gives the okay to TTC again. I want to start, like yesterday, but I also want our next baby to have the best chances possible and if that means waiting another month, as unhappy as I'll be, so be it.
It's crazy, but this all still feels like such a bad dream, like it's blurry and didn't really happen...
I was even dreaming about my appointment...I wrote a LONG list of questions out for my appointment already and am adding to them everyday, and in my dream I had forgotten my list and was freaking out!
God I pray it turns out different the next time around. I don't want to do this again and my hearts just breaks to pieces when I think of the women will multiple losses, I just can't even fathom!
We decorated Elliot's grave on Saturday and I feel better about the holiday's...I hate that it's cold though...I know it's silly, but I worry about him being cold. And I know I'm not crazy, I'm not the only one with this feeling....but wanting to dig him up again on Saturday kinda freaked me out. I just wanted to hold him and keep him warm and protect him from the cold! I gotta quit feeling that way, that's why I don't visit his grave often, I'm afraid of completely losing it and actually trying to do it...How nutso am I????
I am glad though that Elliot is no longer in pain, not suffering, not having to fight so hard. My friend's baby in the NICU is doing good, but there is a lot going on, as anyone with experience in the NICU knows...and it may seem horrible to you that I feel this way, but I'm glad Elliot isn't going through all of that...He had enough in his short life...all of the surgeries and different things to battle. I know my baby boy is happy, not in pain, and with my Dad! I have to quit being so selfish and wanting him back all the time...I think about it and have realized, as much as this all sucks, I would NEVER want my little man to suffer any more than was necessary! Does that make me a sick person??? I don't even care!
I still miss him more than anything in this world, but if giving him up meant a better life than he would ever have on earth, with his family, so be it.

I miss you and think of you everyday. I know you are watching over your daddy and me. I feel you around me all of the time. Make sure you take good care of your Pappaw! I know it won't ever be soon enough for me, but I will see you, hold you and kiss you again one of these days!
Forever and always,


  1. No, you're not crazy - or if you are, then you're in good company ;) I've been dreading winter for months now. Fear of the cold, and fear of the ground freezing. And now that the temperatures have plunged into the -30 celcius range, my mind has been running in circles over all those thoughts of how frozen my baby must be down in that ground. It tortures me to think about. As mothers, all we want is to be able to keep our babies safe and comfortable... And in our situations, it is all so out of our control((hug))

  2. We opted for cremation as opposed to burial, so I haven't ever felt that way, but I have felt similar.

    It doesn't make you sick that you would prefer this pain rather than him still suffering. That's the mother in you. I think we would all suffer anything rather than have our children suffer. I think that when you get to that point, when you can truly accept your pain instead if his suffering, it's a step forward.

    Best of luck to you in your TTC journey! I hope it happens quickly is the most smooth, textbook pregnancy your OB has ever seen.

    (((and it's rampant, btw =Þ )))

  3. I'm sure if I had Shealyn buried I's feel that way, too. There are time when I wish the doctors had did more to help her breath and live. But part of me would have wanted her to suffer. IDK it's hard to explain.

    Good luck on ttc again.


  4. What a sweet note to Elliot.

    Good luck with your appointment. Wishing you the best ttc.

  5. Saying many prayers for you Brandy. I know I feel crazy sometimes too but as you told me, it is just because we are their moms. We are still their moms no matter where they are!

    I pray for a good appt for you on Monday as well. Many blessings!


  6. You are not crazy! If you are I am looney! I couldnt wait to TTC either, I wanted to be pregnant SO bad. Thinking of you and I hope you get lots of questions answered and the green light to TTC! ((hugs))