Thursday, March 18, 2010

A New Person....

So, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging. I was finding myself so caught up in my grief and everyone else's that I could not function. I would stay up all night long going over everything that happened...punishing myself for not doing more, going over the "what if I had done this different" and so on....I also found myself so wrapped up in everyone else's story, I wasn't living my real life....please, oh please don't take this the wrong way. I love each and every one of my blog friends, but what I was doing was unhealthy for me and I needed to find a way to control it. And I think I have found that balance. While I still read everyone's blogs and empathize with each of you, I have finally quit comparing my story to yours, I have quit the "well if we would have known this, that or the other, things would have been different." It's true, they would have been different, but why in the HELL was I expecting myself to know better and beating myself up for not knowing what I know could I have known? So now I would like to introduce you all to the new me, I sort of resemble the old me, only I believe I am now slightly broken, but put back together the best way possible.
My name is Brandy. My first born and only child, Russell Elliot was born at just 23 weeks and 2 days. He lived for 24 wonderfully scary days!
I go to work everyday and HATE to do housework. I am addicted to the internet and I love to laugh. I love to have fun and be surrounded by friends. My husband and I LOVE to ride our Harley.
We miss our son with all of our hearts. He has forever changed who we are. We both have tattoo's to honor his memory. We have a "memorial" dedicated to him in our home which we pass and look at several times a day. We talk about Elliot often, we cry and laugh about the time we spent with him. We now donate to more charities than we both ever thought we had the money to do. Myself, Elliot's Grandma and Godmother make blankets for other preemies who don't make it. I have started a March for Babies Team in Elliot's honor. I have soooo many wonderful family and friends. We are trying to get pregnant again, not to replace Elliot, but to grow our family. We believe we would make awesome parents and can't wait for the chance. Right now our children are our pet, Gonzo the cat and Sassy the Dog...this is us...
Now let me introduce you to some wonderful people in my life, why should I keep them to myself any more?
Staci..Staci always calls or texts to check on me, she always has and always will, not matter what she is doing she always makes herself available to me and does whatever is in her power to help with whatever she can. She is an awesome human being, and not even a blood relative...she is an angel!
Lori, I gushed about Lori in another post, but no one could ask for a friend better than Lori and she is not a blood relative either....Can you believe that I have two cousins lucky enough to have married these angels?
Sarah, I have known Sarah for some time. She gets me. I can be as honest with Sarah as I am myself and she understands. If you ever catch us sitting in the corner pointing at you and laughing, then yes, we are probably talking about and making fun of you...that is just who we are. We are comfortable enough with ourselves to see our own flaws and laugh hysterically at them too!
Sami , I have known Sam since we were in first grade. Sam is about as down to Earth as you will get, she will tell you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not...she tries to be nice about it, but it's Sam! LOL And I love her for this! She has a great sense of humor and a love that is never ending!
Audra, I have known Audra about as long as I have known Sam...I haven't talked to her much of lately, but I hope she knows that I love her as much today as I ever have. Audra would give you the shirt off her back and the shoes off her feet if it would help you. And I just know that she loves that baby boy of hers so much she can't breath sometimes. I unfortunately have been so selfish with my grief, I don't know for sure, I have let distance and grief come between us, but if Audra is the same girl I grew up with, I would put money on it.
Lori S. Although I have only gotten to know Lori in the past year, I love her dearly. She is honest and raw, she is not afraid to share herself with you and let you see who she really is, take it or leave it, she is honest and so very beautiful for it!
My sister, WOW, my sister is the strongest woman I know...she has been through so much and yet, she finds a way to smile....she has done so much for me I can never even begin to describe or thank her for it all!
My Mom...that is another WOW, I can't even begin to describe my feelings for my mom. She is another strong woman in my life, I think she might even be stronger than my sister....and I could never express with words my gratitude for all she has done for me or for the love I feel for her.
My hubby, I love him with every single piece of my heart. My heart still skips a beat when I see his # on my caller id, like a giddy little school girl. He makes me feel like a princess. He loves me at my best and still loves me when I throw dishes at him for no apparent reason. (Which I haven't done for a while, and I'm sure he's happy about that) He excepts and loves me unconditionally even when I feel I don't deserve it. He doesn't judge me, he only loves me.
I could go on and on with friends and family, Michael, Luci, Bob and Julie, Pam and Chris, Rick and Tracy, aunt TT and the list goes on and on...These people are in my life because I choose for them to be here, that is what makes our bonds so special. I don't need any of them and they don't need me, but for whatever reason we each have chosen to be part of each others lives, and nothing will change that. They are all angels in my eyes, my Earthly Angels! And I am luck and thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.
I have discovered I have so much more to be thankful for and to be happy about than I do to cry about.
I miss Elliot, and I will forever cry when that pain gets to hard and takes my breath away...that pain will dull but never disappear, but I was letting myself become something I am not. I have changed in a lot of ways, I see most of them being positive...
Anyhoo that is the new me, the broken and put back together the best way I know how me. The me that will still be upset and cry when I get that BFN, I will cry when I think about my dear sweet baby boy who is in heaven. But life is too short to be bitter and angry. And although a sadness will always linger within me, it will not take me over. I have a choice. A choice I have made to let me be me, whoever I shall be. Love me or leave me, that is your choice. But I choose happiness, no matter what is thrown my way. My life path will be full of love, laughter, heartbreak, death, good times and bad, it will be full of potholes and hills of gold...and I accept that.
Thanks for taking the time to meet the "new" me and those that I choose to be part of my life, I hope we can still be friends!


  1. Thank you for sharing the "new" you! You have amazing people in your life! Thank you for letting me learn a bit more about you, and welcome back!

  2. I am happy to meet the 'new' you. I am happy that you have found that ballance that we all need between our lifes and our blogs.
    It was so nice learning about your life and who you are. Anyone that doesnt want to except you for who you are is silly.

  3. Glad to hear that you are doing well and you have a great bunch of people to support you and love you. :)

    Just yesterday I was told that we need to separate ourselves a bit from others' grief if we want ourselves to heal. I think it takes some time to find that happy medium b/c we feel such a connection to others here and want to support them so much. It can sometimes be difficult not to put ourselves in their shoes or to take their experiences and say what if for ourselves. Kudos to you for finding that fine line!!

    Welcome to the new you :) XOXO

  4. "And although a sadness will always linger within me, it will not take me over. I have a choice.. I choose happiness, no matter what is thrown my way." I love this. What a good place you have reached.

    Sounds like you are surrounded by wonderful people.

  5. I am happy to see the new you. Thank you for sharing with us. It was nice to learn more about you, Elliot, your friends, and family. It sounds like this point of balance is a good place!

  6. Brandy, I love the new you! I've been trying to see the postives more lately too! *HUGS*

  7. I'm so glad to hear from you!!!!!! This is a beautiful post, Brandy. We're here when you need us!!!!

  8. I, too, have been taking some chunks of time away from baby loss land - both because of time constraints and because it sometimes makes it difficult to stay within my every day reality. Even though baby loss is our every day reality, and this community is fabulous for love and support that we cannot necessarily get from the IRL people around us, it's sometimes easy to get weighed down here. No matter how you say that, it doesn't come out right, but you know what I mean. :-) Good to see you on a positive upsweep....hopefully you can stay on this path. The warmer spring weather and sunshine will surely help!!! Thinking of you...

  9. Still friends! I take breaks too b/c sometimes it gets to be too much! And that's ok!

  10. Beautiful Brandy.

    I went through the same thing you speak about and i think I found that balance as well.

    Nicely put. You are surrounded by wonderful people.