Tuesday, October 27, 2009


So, isn't this supposed to be getting easier, shouldn't it not hurt so much now? Why do I feel like I hurt a little more each day instead of a little less.
Why did this have to happen to us? Russell and I are good people. We deserve a family, we did not deserve this and neither did Elliot!
I can't imagine this pain going away. It seems like so many people are naive, living their happy little lives and complaining about the day to day stuff....I know, I used to be one of those people, now I am just so angry I want to scream at everyone. I see those who just had babies complaining about sleep, I would GIVE anything to not sleep so I could have Elliot with me.
I wish God would have taken me instead. I have lived a good 26 years and Russell would have had lots of help and support!! I just want my baby boy to be alive. To experience so much. I have so much love to give to him and I can't. I would give ANYTHING for him to be here right now, including myself!!
I just can't fathom being pregnant again right now...I want to be, but I am scared as hell. I couldn't go through this again. I have had a lot of loss in my life and this just devastated me to no end. I don't know how I'm going to survive this hurt.
No one can even imagine the pain...you might be able to relate, but don't think you know what I'm going through, we are all different and experience things differently, I would never claim to know what you are going through.
And once again, please stop telling me I'll have more kids. That's great and all, but I want the one I had. How would you feel if someone came and took your baby and I said to you "That's okay, you can have more." SO FUCKING WHAT!!! I want the one I had.
I hate being this angry, but it will not leave me...I try to pretend, it doesn't work, I try to ignore, it doesn't work, I make excuses, it doesn't work!
Will I always feel this way? If so, I don't know how much more I can handle. Crying more often then smiling is hard on a person!!


  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Elliot.

    As a member of this sad club, my heart goes out to you.

  2. You are so right about this. Not even another baby loss parent including Elliots daddy, can know exactly how you feel. Situations may be similar but never the same. I've also had people say that its okay because we can try again. Its frustrating because our babies were never disposable or replacable the way they are implying. And also, we are all different on the issue of wanting to try agian. Some women never want to, others feel the urge right away. At first I was like you, I didnt want to because I was afraid of this happening again. But now, inexplicable the desire is there to try again. And no, wanting my rainbow baby doesnt erase Bryston or the fact that he was here. Whatever youre feeling is okay. Even anger. You have a right to feel it. And if you dont let yourself feel it, you may never fully complete your grieving process. So smash those lamps and punch those pillows, lol, do it for Elliot! *HUGS*