Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What to do?

So I am in limbo. I read other blogs about parents losing thier children and while I have a lot of the same feelings, I feel bad because I am not as angry as I think I should be....Does that make sence? I am so sad, it's so hard to get up everyday, but should I be more angry?

I love to look at pictures of Elliot. (His daddy's name is Russell to so we called him Elliot)
And they make cry. I want to look at him and smile, not cry. He was the best thing that happened to us, even though he was taken to early, he was a gift!
Today is a really hard day for me. There is a lot going on with my sister, her 5 kids and psyco husband...I don't know how much more I can handle. I am trying to be strong, but I feel I am about ready to break at any moment, although I would never admit this to anyone close to me.

How do you pull yourself together? Are there a set of strings I can use to sew myself back up, to put the pieces back together? I ask myself that question a lot.

Then the guilt sets in. There are mothers who never get to see their babies alive, or they may only live for a few hours. I had 24 wonderful days with my baby, I should be greatful, but I am hurt. Why would God give us that precious time only to take Elliot away from us.

And now I have a friend in the NICU were Elliot was. We would only be a couple of beds apart and I ask why would this happen to her? Why does she have to go through this too.

And sometimes I feel like I'm so sad, I will forget him, forget the gift he was to us So I got his named tattooed (sp) on my back and I am posting a few pictures of Elliot.

I don't ever want to forget!


  1. We were and are both there for a reason Brandy, and even though we may not understand we are not meant to. God knew you were strong and wanted you to learn from the situation and you did, I think partly because of my situation. So you could help me through. I really dont know what to say to make you feel any better but I know where your coming from. I'm in the midst of this terrible dream, different circumstances, but still the same dream we both wanna desparetly wake up from! I hope one day when your reunited with baby Elliot that you get all the answers you need and deserve and you see why God chose you to be Elliots strong, compassionate, beautiful mommy. Love you,

  2. It's ok if you don't feel angry. During my journey with Carleigh I was never angry that it was happening to us, to my daughter. I have had my occasions where I have gotten angry over things going on around me because of my frustration and sadness but never angry at the situation.

    I like your tattoo. I got one for Carleigh too. I like having a permament reminder of her on me.

    Elliot is so precious!!