Our Journey Thus Far

In March of 2009, I discovered I was pregnant with my and my husbands first child. We were so excited, started buying baby stuff right away.
I had morning sickness that was like nothing I had ever experienced before, but I welcomed the end result. I took care of my body and did what I was supposed to.
Then it all started to fall apart. On August 2nd I started to have a discharge that was not normal, but had an appointment on the 6th for an ultra sound, so didn't think to much of it. At the ultra sound, we discovered we were having a baby boy and the doctor thought my discharge was normal, without checking me. On Sunday, the discharged turned bloody so I went to Labor and Delivery. They hooked me up to monitors, the nurse and doctor checked me and the first layer of my cervix had shed. They sent me home on bed rest and I was to go back Wednesday for a protein test.
Monday I was having horrible cramps all day and the doctor thought it was from where I had been checked the night before.
Then I went to the bathroom and it felt like a waterballoon burst inside of me. Called the doc again, and because I had used the bathroom at the same time my water broke, it wasn't clear and so he told me it wasn't my water. I get into the bathtub to rinse off and there is something coming out that shouldn't, I would later discover it was my sons foot.
So at 23 weeks and 2 days my Russell Elliot was born via C-section and rushed to Children's NICU. I couldn't see my baby until Friday because of my surgery.
I was scared of him at first, so little and fragile, but I fell in love instantly. I really can tell you much of what happened during those three weeks, except there was a lot of staring at him, holding his hand, I got to hold him three times.
He had bowel surger, surgery on his leg and a a shunt put in his brain.
On September 2, when I went to see him, he wasn't acting right, not moving as much. He had a new nurse and her and the doctor agreed he was acting "appropriate." But I know something was wrong. When a nurse he'd had many times came on, she immediately called the doctor, she noticed the same thing I did.
All I can tell you from that night, there were a lot of people around my baby, a lot of running back and forth, lots of crying and lots of prayers.
Then my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives, after doing chest compressions for 1 hour and being stuck with 7 epi pens, we decided he had fought long and hard enough.
We were holding our angel when he took his last breath on this Earth, 3:45am on September 3, 2009.
Life has been difficult, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to go to work every day, it's even hard to talk on the phone to anyone.
It's hard not to be jeouls of people who are pregnant and friends who are bringing healthy babies home from the hospital.
I should still be pregnant. It's hard not to blame myself, it's just hard.
My life's journey has taken this path for a reason, I truely believe that, I just wish I knew what it was.
I have Group B Strep, that's what caused everything to go haywire. I see a specialist on October 31st. And then in December, my OB is going to start me on a cleansing round of antibiotics, then we can start trying again.
I am scared. Scared that my body will fail me again, that the doctors will ignore me again, afraid of losing another precious life.
How do you go forward??