Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Still asking why....

So Russ and I are watching TV and a commercial comes on for K-Mart's LayAway and Russ gets upset. I couldn't understand why, then he finally told me, "Don't you remember, our next paycheck we were going to go to KMart and put the baby's bed on layaway?"
That broke my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I know I think things like that and I know Russ thinks of things we will miss out on, but I didn't even think of that!
I am soooo sad, I would be having my babyshower this coming weekend and we would only be 1 and a half months from having Elliot.
He would be so loved, God, I just don't understand. We wanted a baby so bad and to have him ripped from us like this is just not fair.
I am only 26 and I am buying funeral plots for my dead baby, my husband and myself. I have to go pay the funeral home for my sons services, it just seems so morbid, I'm only 26!!!
And when I lay down at night my head goes to the same place, me with my head burried in Russell's arm and all I can hear is "and 1 and 2 and 3, and 1 and 2 and 3" over and over and over again as they try to restart Elliot's little heart. And seeing Elliot lying there, discolored with such a blank stare and his mouth hanging open, no parents should EVER have to go through anything like this EVER!!!
The raw emtion that runs through me everday is almost overwhelming, sometimes I don't know if I can even breathe.
At 26 I shouldn't have to encourage myself to get out of bed everyday to go to work, I feel like I have to lie to myself to be able to function. "It was what was best, he was so loved, you'll see him again," I don't FUCKING CARE, I just want my baby boy back!!!!
Today is going to be a long day.....

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