Whirlwind

I am supposed to be finishing getting ready for our Halloween parties, but I need to blog first.
So yesterday I went to see a specialist about what happened with my pregnancy and what to do the next time around and that deserves its own blog later when I have time.
I got my tattoo finished with Elliot's Handprint and Footprints around his name and I LOVE it, I will always have a piece of him with me!!
my DH got a tattoo also this morning, it's a beautiful cross that says "In Memory of Elliot." I will post pics later too.
Then we went and bought the headstone...no one should ever have to do this for their child. We bought a beautiful Teddy Bear stone, I might post pics of it too. But having to decided what will sit over your child for eternity is hard. But as soon as DH and I saw the bear we both knew it was what we wanted...
Whooooo, what a weekend already and it's only half over!!!!

A note to my readers....

After receiving an e-mail, I decided I need to write a little note to anyone who reads my blog. Please understand that when I write, I am usually at the high of my anger or sadness, whichever it happens to be that day. It's easier for me to write what I'm thinking right then and there, get it on the table and leave it there...It is a release for me. All of the feelings I describe, I feel more often then not, but I am not always that way...And I don't want to always burden Russell or any of my other friends with them. One, most of the time no one knows what to say, which is fine, but it just makes for an awkwardness that I don't need right now....Hurt and anger spreads and I like to be happy and I like for my friends to be happy. Now, if I really feel I need to talk to someone I do. But a lot of times, I just need to get this stuff out of my system, if I don't it's like a poison to my body.
I will in the future try to blog when I am happy, so not everything on here about Elliot is sad and angry...it's just hard to think about him at this point in time without becoming angry, bitter or sad. And I am sure one day I will be able to think about him and smile and not cry, I pray for that day to come everyday...
B

Easier?

So, isn't this supposed to be getting easier, shouldn't it not hurt so much now? Why do I feel like I hurt a little more each day instead of a little less.
Why did this have to happen to us? Russell and I are good people. We deserve a family, we did not deserve this and neither did Elliot!
I can't imagine this pain going away. It seems like so many people are naive, living their happy little lives and complaining about the day to day stuff....I know, I used to be one of those people, now I am just so angry I want to scream at everyone. I see those who just had babies complaining about sleep, I would GIVE anything to not sleep so I could have Elliot with me.
I wish God would have taken me instead. I have lived a good 26 years and Russell would have had lots of help and support!! I just want my baby boy to be alive. To experience so much. I have so much love to give to him and I can't. I would give ANYTHING for him to be here right now, including myself!!
I just can't fathom being pregnant again right now...I want to be, but I am scared as hell. I couldn't go through this again. I have had a lot of loss in my life and this just devastated me to no end. I don't know how I'm going to survive this hurt.
No one can even imagine the pain...you might be able to relate, but don't think you know what I'm going through, we are all different and experience things differently, I would never claim to know what you are going through.
And once again, please stop telling me I'll have more kids. That's great and all, but I want the one I had. How would you feel if someone came and took your baby and I said to you "That's okay, you can have more." SO FUCKING WHAT!!! I want the one I had.
I hate being this angry, but it will not leave me...I try to pretend, it doesn't work, I try to ignore, it doesn't work, I make excuses, it doesn't work!
Will I always feel this way? If so, I don't know how much more I can handle. Crying more often then smiling is hard on a person!!

What I Miss The Most

So, I had a dream last night that was precious and strange...
I was at work and Elliot was laying on my desk. A client came in, picked him up and he started crying, only you couldn't hear it. I quickly snatched him back and held onto him.
He had his tubes in so I couldn't see all of his face which made me mad, but I'm glad God gave me the opportunity to hold my baby again....
I want to hold him more than anything in this world. Just the thought of that dream brings tears to my eyes, I want my baby boy back, more than anything in this world!!!!
We bought a new car yesterday, it's bitter-sweet, this car was supposed to be for Elliot and now he will never ride in it. I will never get to pack it full of his stuff. I will never get to run late because I am bundling him up to take him somewhere, I will never get to put him in his carseat and watch as he out grows it. I will never get to look in that rearview mirror to see his smiling face looking back at me. I will never get to hear him call me "mommy," or have my heart broken as he crys for me when I take him to his first day of school. My heart is so broken from all of these things, and these are just a few things I'll miss, I could go on forever about all that I am going to miss and it kills me inside!!!!

Being Polite

So I did something yesterday that I am not very proud of.
First let me say, there are times that I want to scream at people that my baby died, it's just this impulse that I will hopefully never do, but I think we all go through this phase.
Anyhoo, after a horrible weekend, my Monday and Tuesday were going okay. My dentist called and was able to squeeze me in. I sat and waited FOREVER after I got there.
When the dentist finally came in after the hygienist had cleaned my teeth, he ask me how my summer had went.
I reply "Kinda rough, I had a baby and he died." WTF was I thinking, it just kinda popped out of my mouth! And now I feel horrible about it.
I never should have said that to him, but I get so tired of "pretending" nothing happened just so I don't have to go into the story! It's hard for me to explain myself every time and I get tired of telling people I'm fine, because I'm not fine, I am a broken mess!!!!
My baby died, I'm a mess! That's all there is too it. No one ever can experience a loss like that of a child. All death is hard, but I carried that life inside of me, I was responsible for him and he died!
So, if I ever come unglued on you, I am apologizing now, I try my hardest not to, I fall apart at night when no one knows it so that I won't fall apart on someone at the wrong time!
I need lots of prayer lately, some days are better than others and some days I think I regress in my grief process, I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to have to will myself to get up in the mornings, I don't want to have to will myself to do everything. Everything I do anymore takes so much more energy out of me...I feel like a robot sometimes, sometimes I just go through the motions to get through the day, and I hate that!!
Here's to a better tomorrow!!
B

Weekend from Hell!

So "Hell Weekend" started after work Friday. As Russ and I were driving to eat dinner with my mom, my stomach got upset and I spent most of the evening in the restroom.
So I figure Saturday will be better. Mom and I go to a local craft show. Well, the first two people I run into start to tell me how they are sorry about the baby. That's fine, but then I get told, "It's okay, it happened for a reason and you'll have another baby." Well, SCREW YOU!!! I want the baby I had!! My Elliot, I want him, not another baby to replace him, I WANT HIM!
Then as we are walking around, I see tag blankets, start bawling and run out of the place. Get hom and relax....
Then my hubby and I decide to go to my nephews last football game. Now, if you know me and Russ, we tease each other like a couple of teenagers, picking on one another. Anyhoo, this women in front of us starts laughing and tells me I'm funny. Then she askes, "You don't have kids do you?" I answer no, because I've had a hard enough day and don't want to go into it, then she asks, "What are you waiting for, Christmas?" Well, Russ says, "Well yes we are!" I start bawling again and have to leave. Why do people have to get so personal, it's none of your damn business if we are going to have kids or not, that's our choice!! EWWWWWWWW
So then Sunday, I promise myself it will be a better day. I get ready, go to church, go and come home. Russell is in bed crying when I get home!
Oh AND I forgot Sweetest Day. Now you have to understand, I buy Russ a card and something for every holiday. AND I FORGOT for the fist time in 7 and a half years! He bought me a curling iron, which I needed, candy, a DVD and a card. And I didn't have jack for him!
So as we are laying in bed Sunday, which is how we spent the whole day, he asks me "Do you still love me?" Well that fucking broke my heart. "Of course I love you," I tell him. And he says to me that it's not like me to forget. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! I feel bad enough about forgetting...excuse me, but there is a lot going on now, it slipped, I'm sorry.
So what do I do now, I've appoligezed 100 times, but everything seems so fragile right now, I don't need a breakdown of our relationship!!!! Especially because I forgot freakin' Sweetest Day! Now I'm sure I'd be mad if he forgot, Hell I'm lucky to get a card sometimes, i didn't even get a card for our anniversary!!! EWWWWWW
On a good note though, Mike at the frame shop is going to make me prints of Elliot's feet and hands and he can clean them up some, they are smudged where they took the prints. And I want to order one of those neclaces, but they do them exactly like the pic, and I don't want a pic of my sons foot without his toe!!
Here's to a better tomorrow. I start my Physician's Weight Loss diet tomorrow, hope I don't murder someone for their Twinkie!!! LOL
B

Lighting the Night

So yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and I have to admit, I lit my candles late....Does that make me a bad mom? It was all kind of surreal. I went to Wally World to buy the Candles. One for Elliot, One for Grayson and one for all of the other Angel Babies out there. It made me sad, picking out candles for dead babies! MORBID!!!!

I paid the funeral hom today and was paying hospital bills and it just makes me sick. Paying for my sons funeral, like making any other transaction, just sickening.

Today isn't such a bad day though, I've had worse. I went to the eye doctor this morning and got new contacts and glasses....and I've learned my cornia's are thick, whatever that means.

And I'm freakin out a little though, my stomach has been upset for a few days and I don't trust my body!! How sad is that?? I don't trust my body! What do I mean by that? Well, I am afraid that I think is insignificant will be BIG!
I'm afraid that there is something going on that I am not aware of, like the GBS.

I cannot wait to go to the specialist, I have a ton of questions. Mom is going with and she will think of a bazillion questions that I won't!

I am praying for Alicia and Brice. She is not feeling well and they are on a big rollercoaster right now. I pray God gives her the strength to get better and keep up her spirits.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

A Day to Remember

Today I will be remembering Elliot and lighting a candle for him, I hope more so with smiles than tears, but I can't promise anything.

I will also be lighting a candle for baby Grayson who passed away on October 7, 2008.

I truely hope that every parent who has lost a little one will remember their angel with a smile in their heart. Sometimes it's hard to remember these little ones were a gift when we are feeling so much pain from the loss. But they are now and will always be a gift from God.

My spirits are a little better today, I had a complete breakdown at work yesterday, I sat in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity and sobbed so hard I almost got sick a couple of times. I think I needed that though. I have been trying to be so strong for so long, it's wearing my body out!

Speaking of my body:

I am starting the Physician's Weight Loss Diet again next week. I am actually 12 pounds lighter than the last time I started!! (Last time I was on the diet 3 weeks and found out I was pregnant and had to stop) The girls that work there are so awesome and I want to be more healthy when we ttc again! So I might become a little irritable in the coming weeks, but it will pass. I look forward to being a healthy mom that can run and play for hours with my kids, not one that uses TV as an excuse for my laziness!!! I am doing this for me and my future children and I know I can because keeping that goal of a healthy mom and baby in mind will be my drive!

Please know that I am thinking and praying for all parents today who have baby angels! Much love to all of us!

~B~

Still asking why....

So Russ and I are watching TV and a commercial comes on for K-Mart's LayAway and Russ gets upset. I couldn't understand why, then he finally told me, "Don't you remember, our next paycheck we were going to go to KMart and put the baby's bed on layaway?"
That broke my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I know I think things like that and I know Russ thinks of things we will miss out on, but I didn't even think of that!
I am soooo sad, I would be having my babyshower this coming weekend and we would only be 1 and a half months from having Elliot.
He would be so loved, God, I just don't understand. We wanted a baby so bad and to have him ripped from us like this is just not fair.
I am only 26 and I am buying funeral plots for my dead baby, my husband and myself. I have to go pay the funeral home for my sons services, it just seems so morbid, I'm only 26!!!
And when I lay down at night my head goes to the same place, me with my head burried in Russell's arm and all I can hear is "and 1 and 2 and 3, and 1 and 2 and 3" over and over and over again as they try to restart Elliot's little heart. And seeing Elliot lying there, discolored with such a blank stare and his mouth hanging open, no parents should EVER have to go through anything like this EVER!!!
The raw emtion that runs through me everday is almost overwhelming, sometimes I don't know if I can even breathe.
At 26 I shouldn't have to encourage myself to get out of bed everyday to go to work, I feel like I have to lie to myself to be able to function. "It was what was best, he was so loved, you'll see him again," I don't FUCKING CARE, I just want my baby boy back!!!!
Today is going to be a long day.....

What to do?

So I am in limbo. I read other blogs about parents losing thier children and while I have a lot of the same feelings, I feel bad because I am not as angry as I think I should be....Does that make sence? I am so sad, it's so hard to get up everyday, but should I be more angry?

I love to look at pictures of Elliot. (His daddy's name is Russell to so we called him Elliot)
And they make cry. I want to look at him and smile, not cry. He was the best thing that happened to us, even though he was taken to early, he was a gift!
Today is a really hard day for me. There is a lot going on with my sister, her 5 kids and psyco husband...I don't know how much more I can handle. I am trying to be strong, but I feel I am about ready to break at any moment, although I would never admit this to anyone close to me.

How do you pull yourself together? Are there a set of strings I can use to sew myself back up, to put the pieces back together? I ask myself that question a lot.

Then the guilt sets in. There are mothers who never get to see their babies alive, or they may only live for a few hours. I had 24 wonderful days with my baby, I should be greatful, but I am hurt. Why would God give us that precious time only to take Elliot away from us.

And now I have a friend in the NICU were Elliot was. We would only be a couple of beds apart and I ask why would this happen to her? Why does she have to go through this too.

And sometimes I feel like I'm so sad, I will forget him, forget the gift he was to us So I got his named tattooed (sp) on my back and I am posting a few pictures of Elliot.

I don't ever want to forget!

Our Journey Thus Far

In March of 2009, I discovered I was pregnant with my and my husbands first child. We were so excited, started buying baby stuff right away.
I had morning sickness that was like nothing I had ever experienced before, but I welcomed the end result. I took care of my body and did what I was supposed to.
Then it all started to fall apart. On August 2nd I started to have a discharge that was not normal, but had an appointment on the 6th for an ultra sound, so didn't think to much of it. At the ultra sound, we discovered we were having a baby boy and the doctor thought my discharge was normal, without checking me. On Sunday, the discharged turned bloody so I went to Labor and Delivery. They hooked me up to monitors, the nurse and doctor checked me and the first layer of my cervix had shed. They sent me home on bed rest and I was to go back Wednesday for a protein test.
Monday I was having horrible cramps all day and the doctor thought it was from where I had been checked the night before.
Then I went to the bathroom and it felt like a waterballoon burst inside of me. Called the doc again, and because I had used the bathroom at the same time my water broke, it wasn't clear and so he told me it wasn't my water. I get into the bathtub to rinse off and there is something coming out that shouldn't, I would later discover it was my sons foot.
So at 23 weeks and 2 days my Russell Elliot was born via C-section and rushed to Children's NICU. I couldn't see my baby until Friday because of my surgery.
I was scared of him at first, so little and fragile, but I fell in love instantly. I really can tell you much of what happened during those three weeks, except there was a lot of staring at him, holding his hand, I got to hold him three times.
He had bowel surger, surgery on his leg and a a shunt put in his brain.
On September 2, when I went to see him, he wasn't acting right, not moving as much. He had a new nurse and her and the doctor agreed he was acting "appropriate." But I know something was wrong. When a nurse he'd had many times came on, she immediately called the doctor, she noticed the same thing I did.
All I can tell you from that night, there were a lot of people around my baby, a lot of running back and forth, lots of crying and lots of prayers.
Then my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives, after doing chest compressions for 1 hour and being stuck with 7 epi pens, we decided he had fought long and hard enough.
We were holding our angel when he took his last breath on this Earth, 3:45am on September 3, 2009.
Life has been difficult, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to go to work every day, it's even hard to talk on the phone to anyone.
It's hard not to be jeouls of people who are pregnant and friends who are bringing healthy babies home from the hospital.
I should still be pregnant. It's hard not to blame myself, it's just hard.
My life's journey has taken this path for a reason, I truely believe that, I just wish I knew what it was.
I have Group B Strep, that's what caused everything to go haywire. I see a specialist on October 31st. And then in December, my OB is going to start me on a cleansing round of antibiotics, then we can start trying again.
I am scared. Scared that my body will fail me again, that the doctors will ignore me again, afraid of losing another precious life.
How do you go forward??