Latest Doctor's appt.

So I went back to the doctor's today...although I was for sure some force was trying to prevent me from going...locked the keys in the car and couldn't find my wallet with my new insurance card anywhere! Thankfully my life saver Lori took me to my appointment and I finally found my wallet after a frantic 45 minute search.
And can I say I hate yearlies?!?! And breast exams, geesh! Russ is a boob man and doesn't even yank 'em around that much!! LOL
So things looked good, considering I hadn't been checked since I left the hospital after Elliot was born. He of course wants me to lose weight, I knew that was coming, he wants me to exercise, continue to de-stress my life and have a much fun as possible, he says doing all of this will increase fertility, well if only it were that easy...I go back on October 2nd and regardless we will start Clomid, if I haven't gotten preggo on my own, so he's telling me. A little over 2 more months. He wants us to get preggo without medicine if possible, which I see his point.
And I am actually not as upset this time with him telling us to wait as I had prepared myself for. Russ got a call for a face to face interview for that job. It was funny, the call came just a few hours before we left for Vegas, so we are supper excited. And if he gets the job, that will relieve a lot of stress. Plus it will give me time to get even better at my new job and hopefully making more money, in turn, less stress. So the thought of waiting 2 more months isn't so bad....
I know God has a plan, and I am not as angry as I thought I would be. I guess I am finally coming to terms with the way things work, it will happen when it happens and I am going to play along...I just hope this new patience thing I am going through now lasts...LOL

Almost our last first...kind of

So the Fourth of July....I wonder if Elliot would have liked the fireworks or if he would have been scared. I did not participate in the holiday this year, I just didn't have it in me. And I broke down big time.
This is almost our last first, kind of...Halloween, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July...next Elliot's first birthday, August 10th... and I say kind of almost our last first because there are still so many things we will never experience for the first time, crying, smiles, words, steps, fights, kisses, groundings, funny things he would have said, first baby food, real food...I could go on forever....God, it's still so heartbreaking....all things he had and will never experience. I really have no words right now, just tears.
I don't have anything special in mind yet for Elliot's first birthday, just making it through the day without completely losing it....that's my plan for now.
Next year I would like to make dinner for the residents of the Ronald McDonald house on his birthday....If I would have thought of it sooner, we would do it this year, but because of time and of course money, I think it will be good to do next year. Plus I am not sure how I would handle being back there right now....my heart is so heavy right now...I don't think I have ever been at such a loss for words.....they used to pour, and now nothing....
I have lost so much of myself in the last year...my spark, a real smile and my husband informed me I lost my cockiness, and it's true...I used to say bring it on, now I feel like a beaten puppy with its tail constantly between its legs...I have lost my spark and most of my confidence...I will find it again, I hope...but for now it's somewhere out there waiting for me...
We have survived almost our last first...kind of...
<3
B

Prometrium

I know it's been forever, but I have been very busy.
The "new" job is still AWESOME...it's amazing actually enjoying going to work, I haven't felt that feeling for so long, I didn't know if it was possible.
So much is going on now even....
I am on day 66 of my current cycle and started Prometrium last night...talk about crzy dream, damn they were nuts! I haven't noticed any difference, so that's good, I just wish AF would come.
Isn't it funny how we pray for one thing on minute and something different the next.
I wish AF was gone because I was pregnant, not because of problems, so now I want her to make a speedy return...
I have been in a funk that I seriously need to ditch. I HAVE got to lose some weight, the doc will not start fertility meds unless I do, so I get depressed about being over weight, about having to lose weight and everything in between....IDK
So have any of you ladies taken Prometrium? Can it help me get pregnant? My doc didn't give me a whole lot of info, it was called in....

WTF

Today is day 45 of my cycle, it has never been this long. BFN HPT's every time and a BFN Blood Serum test. So why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just catch a break for once? I know most of you have been in this boat and asked the same questions...
So now I am freaking out that there is seriously something wrong with me...Like I said, I have never went this long before, other than being pregnant.
How many times can I go through this...I blame myself really, I get all excited, and for what, just to be let down again. We even stopped TTC this last month because I wanted to not stress out so much....
All I want is to complete my family...Is that really so much to ask for?
How many times can my heart be broken before there are no pieces left to put it back together...
So now I get to play the waiting game to see what the hell is wrong now....
I have no words for the sadness I feel at this very moment in my life....

I know, it's been a while...

I know it's been a while since I have visited blog land, and thank you to the ladies that have emailed to check up on me, that is too sweet for words.
But as I said before, I had to pull myself away for a while. I was so caught up in my grief, and was grieving for every women I saw on here, I couldn't take it anymore.
I am in a better place now, for a lot of reasons.
I started my new job, and can say it is WONDERFUL! I enjoy going to work. I am scared to death of making mistakes, which I have done, but no one is perfect, right? I have discovered the people I worked for for 10 years, are not at all what I thought they were, or had made them out to be in my mind. It makes me sad and angry for more reasons than I have time to go into here!

Here's the funny thing though...my mom came over for dinner last night...and out of the blue she asks me if I have been drinking? WTF? I haven't drank for quite some time, it's not something I do on a regular basis. I actually laughed so hard at her that I started choking and got sick! When I asked what in the world made her ask that, she said, "You haven't stopped grinning since I walked in the door." So I thought for a minute and was like damn, have I been that miserable for that long? And I told her, "It's amazing how you feel when you aren't stressed out all the time." :-)
This new chapter in my life scares the hell out of me. I don't like change, I HATE change, but in this case, I now regret I didn't do it sooner. Then of course all those other thoughts start to come along, like, was it because I was stressed all the time? If I had quit sooner, would he have lived? What would Mother's Day have been like if he were here? Would we have just pretended that it was another Sunday, like any other Sunday? Then reality hits me and I remember to stop torturing myself with these questions, it only hurts....
On to better things:
We shipped our first box of blankets to the NICU at OSU.
A big thanks to my momma and to Lori. With their help we shipped 20 blankets.

I participated in the March of Dimes. My team was wonderful and so were all of my friends and family. We raised a little over $800.00 which I think was pretty good considering it was our first year! I can't wait to do it again next year!
We even made shirts for our team Elliot's Angels. Thanks to Lori! (God what would I do without her????)

So now we wait for July to start on Clomid...Anyone have any tips or information that they can give me about Clomid? I am going into detail here, so just a warning...Aunt flow comes on a regular basis, she always has, but apparently I don't ovulate...So how long did you take Clomid before you got pregnant again? How many BLM have had to take Clomid to get pregnant again? Just any real life info would be great!

Doc wants me to lose weight before I see him in July, I know I need to, but at the moment I am struggling with this...

I am going to ask for some prayers here...DH is had applied for another job within his company...please pray for us that he gets this job...Thank you.

And if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, I will do another post answering them. I tend to be an over-sharer anyway, so don't be afraid to ask....the thing is, just know I am going to answer and be truthful, so be ready for that!!

Lots of love!

B

Spilling the beans...

It has been a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time since I posted last, I apologize for that, but there has been A LOT going on in my life, and I had to hold my tongue, until now!
So first off, I quit my job! I worked for WWJM for 9 years 8 months and 3 days, WOW, what a long time. I loved my job, but there were too many other factors that made me start to hate it. Without saying too much, let's just say, there was a TON of back stabbing, thinking with heads below the belt and MORE backstabbing.
When my boss "hired" back his soon to be ex-wife, the same women suing the station for wrongful termination, I decided, enough was enough. (He later blamed me for this, saying my "personal problems" had "cascaded down" and he didn't want to lose what he worked 26 years for. Mind you, I am not a sales person, so I don't generate money for the station, I am a behind the scenes girl, I kept things running smoothly, needless to say, I did my job, the right commercials always ran and clients got their bills on time, so NONE of any of whatever down fall happened or happens has ANYTHING to do with my "personal problems" or work for that matter.) Can you tell I'm slightly bitter?
Anyhoo, I am off to bigger and better things. I am going to work for an online ticket broker. (here comes the pug) www.ticketcrush.com, for any event tickets; sports, concerts, theatre, all across the US, Canada, Mexico and even some over seas. Make sure to visit our website if you need anything!
I am excited for my new job, I can't wait to dig in! And not having to deal with other peoples SHIT day in and day out will be such a nice change of pace. And the people I am going to work with seem really cool, so I'm excited to get to know them better. I have lots of opportunity for advancement and to make more money, what more could a girl ask for??
On the baby front....after a myriad of tests, we have discovered my progesterone is low, we kind of already knew this, but another test confirmed it...Apparently you can have a regular period every month and not ovulate....so my doc doesn't want to see until July, and I have to lose weight before then...FUN! He wants to see if weight loss will stimulate ovulation, which makes sense. I see him July 14th and if I'm not preggo by then, then we will start talking Clomid. So we definitely won't be welcoming baby Miller in 2010....
I pray God blesses us with a little one! I hope, I hope, I hope.....
Lot's of love to everyone, I will be blogging more, once I get acclimated to the new job.
Brandy

A New Person....

So, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging. I was finding myself so caught up in my grief and everyone else's that I could not function. I would stay up all night long going over everything that happened...punishing myself for not doing more, going over the "what if I had done this different" and so on....I also found myself so wrapped up in everyone else's story, I wasn't living my real life....please, oh please don't take this the wrong way. I love each and every one of my blog friends, but what I was doing was unhealthy for me and I needed to find a way to control it. And I think I have found that balance. While I still read everyone's blogs and empathize with each of you, I have finally quit comparing my story to yours, I have quit the "well if we would have known this, that or the other, things would have been different." It's true, they would have been different, but why in the HELL was I expecting myself to know better and beating myself up for not knowing what I know now....how could I have known? So now I would like to introduce you all to the new me, I sort of resemble the old me, only I believe I am now slightly broken, but put back together the best way possible.
My name is Brandy. My first born and only child, Russell Elliot was born at just 23 weeks and 2 days. He lived for 24 wonderfully scary days!
I go to work everyday and HATE to do housework. I am addicted to the internet and I love to laugh. I love to have fun and be surrounded by friends. My husband and I LOVE to ride our Harley.
We miss our son with all of our hearts. He has forever changed who we are. We both have tattoo's to honor his memory. We have a "memorial" dedicated to him in our home which we pass and look at several times a day. We talk about Elliot often, we cry and laugh about the time we spent with him. We now donate to more charities than we both ever thought we had the money to do. Myself, Elliot's Grandma and Godmother make blankets for other preemies who don't make it. I have started a March for Babies Team in Elliot's honor. I have soooo many wonderful family and friends. We are trying to get pregnant again, not to replace Elliot, but to grow our family. We believe we would make awesome parents and can't wait for the chance. Right now our children are our pet, Gonzo the cat and Sassy the Dog...this is us...
Now let me introduce you to some wonderful people in my life, why should I keep them to myself any more?
Staci..Staci always calls or texts to check on me, she always has and always will, not matter what she is doing she always makes herself available to me and does whatever is in her power to help with whatever she can. She is an awesome human being, and not even a blood relative...she is an angel!
Lori, I gushed about Lori in another post, but no one could ask for a friend better than Lori and she is not a blood relative either....Can you believe that I have two cousins lucky enough to have married these angels?
Sarah, I have known Sarah for some time. She gets me. I can be as honest with Sarah as I am myself and she understands. If you ever catch us sitting in the corner pointing at you and laughing, then yes, we are probably talking about and making fun of you...that is just who we are. We are comfortable enough with ourselves to see our own flaws and laugh hysterically at them too!
Sami , I have known Sam since we were in first grade. Sam is about as down to Earth as you will get, she will tell you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not...she tries to be nice about it, but it's Sam! LOL And I love her for this! She has a great sense of humor and a love that is never ending!
Audra, I have known Audra about as long as I have known Sam...I haven't talked to her much of lately, but I hope she knows that I love her as much today as I ever have. Audra would give you the shirt off her back and the shoes off her feet if it would help you. And I just know that she loves that baby boy of hers so much she can't breath sometimes. I unfortunately have been so selfish with my grief, I don't know for sure, I have let distance and grief come between us, but if Audra is the same girl I grew up with, I would put money on it.
Lori S. Although I have only gotten to know Lori in the past year, I love her dearly. She is honest and raw, she is not afraid to share herself with you and let you see who she really is, take it or leave it, she is honest and so very beautiful for it!
My sister, WOW, my sister is the strongest woman I know...she has been through so much and yet, she finds a way to smile....she has done so much for me I can never even begin to describe or thank her for it all!
My Mom...that is another WOW, I can't even begin to describe my feelings for my mom. She is another strong woman in my life, I think she might even be stronger than my sister....and I could never express with words my gratitude for all she has done for me or for the love I feel for her.
My hubby, I love him with every single piece of my heart. My heart still skips a beat when I see his # on my caller id, like a giddy little school girl. He makes me feel like a princess. He loves me at my best and still loves me when I throw dishes at him for no apparent reason. (Which I haven't done for a while, and I'm sure he's happy about that) He excepts and loves me unconditionally even when I feel I don't deserve it. He doesn't judge me, he only loves me.
I could go on and on with friends and family, Michael, Luci, Bob and Julie, Pam and Chris, Rick and Tracy, aunt TT and the list goes on and on...These people are in my life because I choose for them to be here, that is what makes our bonds so special. I don't need any of them and they don't need me, but for whatever reason we each have chosen to be part of each others lives, and nothing will change that. They are all angels in my eyes, my Earthly Angels! And I am luck and thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.
I have discovered I have so much more to be thankful for and to be happy about than I do to cry about.
I miss Elliot, and I will forever cry when that pain gets to hard and takes my breath away...that pain will dull but never disappear, but I was letting myself become something I am not. I have changed in a lot of ways, I see most of them being positive...
Anyhoo that is the new me, the broken and put back together the best way I know how me. The me that will still be upset and cry when I get that BFN, I will cry when I think about my dear sweet baby boy who is in heaven. But life is too short to be bitter and angry. And although a sadness will always linger within me, it will not take me over. I have a choice. A choice I have made to let me be me, whoever I shall be. Love me or leave me, that is your choice. But I choose happiness, no matter what is thrown my way. My life path will be full of love, laughter, heartbreak, death, good times and bad, it will be full of potholes and hills of gold...and I accept that.
Thanks for taking the time to meet the "new" me and those that I choose to be part of my life, I hope we can still be friends!