Moved

Check out my new blog at www.thebirdsandauntb.blogspot.com

Latest Doctor's appt.

So I went back to the doctor's today...although I was for sure some force was trying to prevent me from going...locked the keys in the car and couldn't find my wallet with my new insurance card anywhere! Thankfully my life saver Lori took me to my appointment and I finally found my wallet after a frantic 45 minute search.
And can I say I hate yearlies?!?! And breast exams, geesh! Russ is a boob man and doesn't even yank 'em around that much!! LOL
So things looked good, considering I hadn't been checked since I left the hospital after Elliot was born. He of course wants me to lose weight, I knew that was coming, he wants me to exercise, continue to de-stress my life and have a much fun as possible, he says doing all of this will increase fertility, well if only it were that easy...I go back on October 2nd and regardless we will start Clomid, if I haven't gotten preggo on my own, so he's telling me. A little over 2 more months. He wants us to get preggo without medicine if possible, which I see his point.
And I am actually not as upset this time with him telling us to wait as I had prepared myself for. Russ got a call for a face to face interview for that job. It was funny, the call came just a few hours before we left for Vegas, so we are supper excited. And if he gets the job, that will relieve a lot of stress. Plus it will give me time to get even better at my new job and hopefully making more money, in turn, less stress. So the thought of waiting 2 more months isn't so bad....
I know God has a plan, and I am not as angry as I thought I would be. I guess I am finally coming to terms with the way things work, it will happen when it happens and I am going to play along...I just hope this new patience thing I am going through now lasts...LOL

Almost our last first...kind of

So the Fourth of July....I wonder if Elliot would have liked the fireworks or if he would have been scared. I did not participate in the holiday this year, I just didn't have it in me. And I broke down big time.
This is almost our last first, kind of...Halloween, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July...next Elliot's first birthday, August 10th... and I say kind of almost our last first because there are still so many things we will never experience for the first time, crying, smiles, words, steps, fights, kisses, groundings, funny things he would have said, first baby food, real food...I could go on forever....God, it's still so heartbreaking....all things he had and will never experience. I really have no words right now, just tears.
I don't have anything special in mind yet for Elliot's first birthday, just making it through the day without completely losing it....that's my plan for now.
Next year I would like to make dinner for the residents of the Ronald McDonald house on his birthday....If I would have thought of it sooner, we would do it this year, but because of time and of course money, I think it will be good to do next year. Plus I am not sure how I would handle being back there right now....my heart is so heavy right now...I don't think I have ever been at such a loss for words.....they used to pour, and now nothing....
I have lost so much of myself in the last year...my spark, a real smile and my husband informed me I lost my cockiness, and it's true...I used to say bring it on, now I feel like a beaten puppy with its tail constantly between its legs...I have lost my spark and most of my confidence...I will find it again, I hope...but for now it's somewhere out there waiting for me...
We have survived almost our last first...kind of...
<3
B

Prometrium

I know it's been forever, but I have been very busy.
The "new" job is still AWESOME...it's amazing actually enjoying going to work, I haven't felt that feeling for so long, I didn't know if it was possible.
So much is going on now even....
I am on day 66 of my current cycle and started Prometrium last night...talk about crzy dream, damn they were nuts! I haven't noticed any difference, so that's good, I just wish AF would come.
Isn't it funny how we pray for one thing on minute and something different the next.
I wish AF was gone because I was pregnant, not because of problems, so now I want her to make a speedy return...
I have been in a funk that I seriously need to ditch. I HAVE got to lose some weight, the doc will not start fertility meds unless I do, so I get depressed about being over weight, about having to lose weight and everything in between....IDK
So have any of you ladies taken Prometrium? Can it help me get pregnant? My doc didn't give me a whole lot of info, it was called in....

WTF

Today is day 45 of my cycle, it has never been this long. BFN HPT's every time and a BFN Blood Serum test. So why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just catch a break for once? I know most of you have been in this boat and asked the same questions...
So now I am freaking out that there is seriously something wrong with me...Like I said, I have never went this long before, other than being pregnant.
How many times can I go through this...I blame myself really, I get all excited, and for what, just to be let down again. We even stopped TTC this last month because I wanted to not stress out so much....
All I want is to complete my family...Is that really so much to ask for?
How many times can my heart be broken before there are no pieces left to put it back together...
So now I get to play the waiting game to see what the hell is wrong now....
I have no words for the sadness I feel at this very moment in my life....

I know, it's been a while...

I know it's been a while since I have visited blog land, and thank you to the ladies that have emailed to check up on me, that is too sweet for words.
But as I said before, I had to pull myself away for a while. I was so caught up in my grief, and was grieving for every women I saw on here, I couldn't take it anymore.
I am in a better place now, for a lot of reasons.
I started my new job, and can say it is WONDERFUL! I enjoy going to work. I am scared to death of making mistakes, which I have done, but no one is perfect, right? I have discovered the people I worked for for 10 years, are not at all what I thought they were, or had made them out to be in my mind. It makes me sad and angry for more reasons than I have time to go into here!

Here's the funny thing though...my mom came over for dinner last night...and out of the blue she asks me if I have been drinking? WTF? I haven't drank for quite some time, it's not something I do on a regular basis. I actually laughed so hard at her that I started choking and got sick! When I asked what in the world made her ask that, she said, "You haven't stopped grinning since I walked in the door." So I thought for a minute and was like damn, have I been that miserable for that long? And I told her, "It's amazing how you feel when you aren't stressed out all the time." :-)
This new chapter in my life scares the hell out of me. I don't like change, I HATE change, but in this case, I now regret I didn't do it sooner. Then of course all those other thoughts start to come along, like, was it because I was stressed all the time? If I had quit sooner, would he have lived? What would Mother's Day have been like if he were here? Would we have just pretended that it was another Sunday, like any other Sunday? Then reality hits me and I remember to stop torturing myself with these questions, it only hurts....
On to better things:
We shipped our first box of blankets to the NICU at OSU.
A big thanks to my momma and to Lori. With their help we shipped 20 blankets.

I participated in the March of Dimes. My team was wonderful and so were all of my friends and family. We raised a little over $800.00 which I think was pretty good considering it was our first year! I can't wait to do it again next year!
We even made shirts for our team Elliot's Angels. Thanks to Lori! (God what would I do without her????)

So now we wait for July to start on Clomid...Anyone have any tips or information that they can give me about Clomid? I am going into detail here, so just a warning...Aunt flow comes on a regular basis, she always has, but apparently I don't ovulate...So how long did you take Clomid before you got pregnant again? How many BLM have had to take Clomid to get pregnant again? Just any real life info would be great!

Doc wants me to lose weight before I see him in July, I know I need to, but at the moment I am struggling with this...

I am going to ask for some prayers here...DH is had applied for another job within his company...please pray for us that he gets this job...Thank you.

And if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, I will do another post answering them. I tend to be an over-sharer anyway, so don't be afraid to ask....the thing is, just know I am going to answer and be truthful, so be ready for that!!

Lots of love!

B

Spilling the beans...

It has been a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time since I posted last, I apologize for that, but there has been A LOT going on in my life, and I had to hold my tongue, until now!
So first off, I quit my job! I worked for WWJM for 9 years 8 months and 3 days, WOW, what a long time. I loved my job, but there were too many other factors that made me start to hate it. Without saying too much, let's just say, there was a TON of back stabbing, thinking with heads below the belt and MORE backstabbing.
When my boss "hired" back his soon to be ex-wife, the same women suing the station for wrongful termination, I decided, enough was enough. (He later blamed me for this, saying my "personal problems" had "cascaded down" and he didn't want to lose what he worked 26 years for. Mind you, I am not a sales person, so I don't generate money for the station, I am a behind the scenes girl, I kept things running smoothly, needless to say, I did my job, the right commercials always ran and clients got their bills on time, so NONE of any of whatever down fall happened or happens has ANYTHING to do with my "personal problems" or work for that matter.) Can you tell I'm slightly bitter?
Anyhoo, I am off to bigger and better things. I am going to work for an online ticket broker. (here comes the pug) www.ticketcrush.com, for any event tickets; sports, concerts, theatre, all across the US, Canada, Mexico and even some over seas. Make sure to visit our website if you need anything!
I am excited for my new job, I can't wait to dig in! And not having to deal with other peoples SHIT day in and day out will be such a nice change of pace. And the people I am going to work with seem really cool, so I'm excited to get to know them better. I have lots of opportunity for advancement and to make more money, what more could a girl ask for??
On the baby front....after a myriad of tests, we have discovered my progesterone is low, we kind of already knew this, but another test confirmed it...Apparently you can have a regular period every month and not ovulate....so my doc doesn't want to see until July, and I have to lose weight before then...FUN! He wants to see if weight loss will stimulate ovulation, which makes sense. I see him July 14th and if I'm not preggo by then, then we will start talking Clomid. So we definitely won't be welcoming baby Miller in 2010....
I pray God blesses us with a little one! I hope, I hope, I hope.....
Lot's of love to everyone, I will be blogging more, once I get acclimated to the new job.
Brandy