ForeverElliotsMommy

Moved

2010-11-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

Check out my new blog at www.thebirdsandauntb.blogspot.com

Latest Doctor's appt.

2010-07-21T21:06:00.002-04:00

So I went back to the doctor's today...although I was for sure some force was trying to prevent me from going...locked the keys in the car and couldn't find my wallet with my new insurance card anywhere! Thankfully my life saver Lori took me to my appointment and I finally found my wallet after a frantic 45 minute search.
And can I say I hate yearlies?!?! And breast exams, geesh! Russ is a boob man and doesn't even yank 'em around that much!! LOL
So things looked good, considering I hadn't been checked since I left the hospital after Elliot was born. He of course wants me to lose weight, I knew that was coming, he wants me to exercise, continue to de-stress my life and have a much fun as possible, he says doing all of this will increase fertility, well if only it were that easy...I go back on October 2nd and regardless we will start Clomid, if I haven't gotten preggo on my own, so he's telling me. A little over 2 more months. He wants us to get preggo without medicine if possible, which I see his point.
And I am actually not as upset this time with him telling us to wait as I had prepared myself for. Russ got a call for a face to face interview for that job. It was funny, the call came just a few hours before we left for Vegas, so we are supper excited. And if he gets the job, that will relieve a lot of stress. Plus it will give me time to get even better at my new job and hopefully making more money, in turn, less stress. So the thought of waiting 2 more months isn't so bad....
I know God has a plan, and I am not as angry as I thought I would be. I guess I am finally coming to terms with the way things work, it will happen when it happens and I am going to play along...I just hope this new patience thing I am going through now lasts...LOL

Almost our last first...kind of

2010-07-04T23:20:00.002-04:00

So the Fourth of July....I wonder if Elliot would have liked the fireworks or if he would have been scared. I did not participate in the holiday this year, I just didn't have it in me. And I broke down big time.
This is almost our last first, kind of...Halloween, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July...next Elliot's first birthday, August 10th... and I say kind of almost our last first because there are still so many things we will never experience for the first time, crying, smiles, words, steps, fights, kisses, groundings, funny things he would have said, first baby food, real food...I could go on forever....God, it's still so heartbreaking....all things he had and will never experience. I really have no words right now, just tears.
I don't have anything special in mind yet for Elliot's first birthday, just making it through the day without completely losing it....that's my plan for now.
Next year I would like to make dinner for the residents of the Ronald McDonald house on his birthday....If I would have thought of it sooner, we would do it this year, but because of time and of course money, I think it will be good to do next year. Plus I am not sure how I would handle being back there right now....my heart is so heavy right now...I don't think I have ever been at such a loss for words.....they used to pour, and now nothing....
I have lost so much of myself in the last year...my spark, a real smile and my husband informed me I lost my cockiness, and it's true...I used to say bring it on, now I feel like a beaten puppy with its tail constantly between its legs...I have lost my spark and most of my confidence...I will find it again, I hope...but for now it's somewhere out there waiting for me...
We have survived almost our last first...kind of...
<3
B

Prometrium

2010-06-22T23:00:00.002-04:00

I know it's been forever, but I have been very busy.
The "new" job is still AWESOME...it's amazing actually enjoying going to work, I haven't felt that feeling for so long, I didn't know if it was possible.
So much is going on now even....
I am on day 66 of my current cycle and started Prometrium last night...talk about crzy dream, damn they were nuts! I haven't noticed any difference, so that's good, I just wish AF would come.
Isn't it funny how we pray for one thing on minute and something different the next.
I wish AF was gone because I was pregnant, not because of problems, so now I want her to make a speedy return...
I have been in a funk that I seriously need to ditch. I HAVE got to lose some weight, the doc will not start fertility meds unless I do, so I get depressed about being over weight, about having to lose weight and everything in between....IDK
So have any of you ladies taken Prometrium? Can it help me get pregnant? My doc didn't give me a whole lot of info, it was called in....

WTF

2010-06-01T20:06:00.004-04:00

Today is day 45 of my cycle, it has never been this long. BFN HPT's every time and a BFN Blood Serum test. So why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't I just catch a break for once? I know most of you have been in this boat and asked the same questions...
So now I am freaking out that there is seriously something wrong with me...Like I said, I have never went this long before, other than being pregnant.
How many times can I go through this...I blame myself really, I get all excited, and for what, just to be let down again. We even stopped TTC this last month because I wanted to not stress out so much....
All I want is to complete my family...Is that really so much to ask for?
How many times can my heart be broken before there are no pieces left to put it back together...
So now I get to play the waiting game to see what the hell is wrong now....
I have no words for the sadness I feel at this very moment in my life....

I know, it's been a while...

2010-05-13T11:10:00.007-04:00

I know it's been a while since I have visited blog land, and thank you to the ladies that have emailed to check up on me, that is too sweet for words.
But as I said before, I had to pull myself away for a while. I was so caught up in my grief, and was grieving for every women I saw on here, I couldn't take it anymore.
I am in a better place now, for a lot of reasons.
I started my new job, and can say it is WONDERFUL! I enjoy going to work. I am scared to death of making mistakes, which I have done, but no one is perfect, right? I have discovered the people I worked for for 10 years, are not at all what I thought they were, or had made them out to be in my mind. It makes me sad and angry for more reasons than I have time to go into here!

Here's the funny thing though...my mom came over for dinner last night...and out of the blue she asks me if I have been drinking? WTF? I haven't drank for quite some time, it's not something I do on a regular basis. I actually laughed so hard at her that I started choking and got sick! When I asked what in the world made her ask that, she said, "You haven't stopped grinning since I walked in the door." So I thought for a minute and was like damn, have I been that miserable for that long? And I told her, "It's amazing how you feel when you aren't stressed out all the time." :-)
This new chapter in my life scares the hell out of me. I don't like change, I HATE change, but in this case, I now regret I didn't do it sooner. Then of course all those other thoughts start to come along, like, was it because I was stressed all the time? If I had quit sooner, would he have lived? What would Mother's Day have been like if he were here? Would we have just pretended that it was another Sunday, like any other Sunday? Then reality hits me and I remember to stop torturing myself with these questions, it only hurts....
On to better things:
We shipped our first box of blankets to the NICU at OSU.
A big thanks to my momma and to Lori. With their help we shipped 20 blankets.

I participated in the March of Dimes. My team was wonderful and so were all of my friends and family. We raised a little over $800.00 which I think was pretty good considering it was our first year! I can't wait to do it again next year!
We even made shirts for our team Elliot's Angels. Thanks to Lori! (God what would I do without her????)

So now we wait for July to start on Clomid...Anyone have any tips or information that they can give me about Clomid? I am going into detail here, so just a warning...Aunt flow comes on a regular basis, she always has, but apparently I don't ovulate...So how long did you take Clomid before you got pregnant again? How many BLM have had to take Clomid to get pregnant again? Just any real life info would be great!

Doc wants me to lose weight before I see him in July, I know I need to, but at the moment I am struggling with this...

I am going to ask for some prayers here...DH is had applied for another job within his company...please pray for us that he gets this job...Thank you.

And if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, I will do another post answering them. I tend to be an over-sharer anyway, so don't be afraid to ask....the thing is, just know I am going to answer and be truthful, so be ready for that!!

Lots of love!

Spilling the beans...

2010-04-17T00:54:00.002-04:00

It has been a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time since I posted last, I apologize for that, but there has been A LOT going on in my life, and I had to hold my tongue, until now!
So first off, I quit my job! I worked for WWJM for 9 years 8 months and 3 days, WOW, what a long time. I loved my job, but there were too many other factors that made me start to hate it. Without saying too much, let's just say, there was a TON of back stabbing, thinking with heads below the belt and MORE backstabbing.
When my boss "hired" back his soon to be ex-wife, the same women suing the station for wrongful termination, I decided, enough was enough. (He later blamed me for this, saying my "personal problems" had "cascaded down" and he didn't want to lose what he worked 26 years for. Mind you, I am not a sales person, so I don't generate money for the station, I am a behind the scenes girl, I kept things running smoothly, needless to say, I did my job, the right commercials always ran and clients got their bills on time, so NONE of any of whatever down fall happened or happens has ANYTHING to do with my "personal problems" or work for that matter.) Can you tell I'm slightly bitter?
Anyhoo, I am off to bigger and better things. I am going to work for an online ticket broker. (here comes the pug) www.ticketcrush.com, for any event tickets; sports, concerts, theatre, all across the US, Canada, Mexico and even some over seas. Make sure to visit our website if you need anything!
I am excited for my new job, I can't wait to dig in! And not having to deal with other peoples SHIT day in and day out will be such a nice change of pace. And the people I am going to work with seem really cool, so I'm excited to get to know them better. I have lots of opportunity for advancement and to make more money, what more could a girl ask for??
On the baby front....after a myriad of tests, we have discovered my progesterone is low, we kind of already knew this, but another test confirmed it...Apparently you can have a regular period every month and not ovulate....so my doc doesn't want to see until July, and I have to lose weight before then...FUN! He wants to see if weight loss will stimulate ovulation, which makes sense. I see him July 14th and if I'm not preggo by then, then we will start talking Clomid. So we definitely won't be welcoming baby Miller in 2010....
I pray God blesses us with a little one! I hope, I hope, I hope.....
Lot's of love to everyone, I will be blogging more, once I get acclimated to the new job.
Brandy

A New Person....

2010-03-18T21:42:00.004-04:00

So, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging. I was finding myself so caught up in my grief and everyone else's that I could not function. I would stay up all night long going over everything that happened...punishing myself for not doing more, going over the "what if I had done this different" and so on....I also found myself so wrapped up in everyone else's story, I wasn't living my real life....please, oh please don't take this the wrong way. I love each and every one of my blog friends, but what I was doing was unhealthy for me and I needed to find a way to control it. And I think I have found that balance. While I still read everyone's blogs and empathize with each of you, I have finally quit comparing my story to yours, I have quit the "well if we would have known this, that or the other, things would have been different." It's true, they would have been different, but why in the HELL was I expecting myself to know better and beating myself up for not knowing what I know now....how could I have known? So now I would like to introduce you all to the new me, I sort of resemble the old me, only I believe I am now slightly broken, but put back together the best way possible.
My name is Brandy. My first born and only child, Russell Elliot was born at just 23 weeks and 2 days. He lived for 24 wonderfully scary days!
I go to work everyday and HATE to do housework. I am addicted to the internet and I love to laugh. I love to have fun and be surrounded by friends. My husband and I LOVE to ride our Harley.
We miss our son with all of our hearts. He has forever changed who we are. We both have tattoo's to honor his memory. We have a "memorial" dedicated to him in our home which we pass and look at several times a day. We talk about Elliot often, we cry and laugh about the time we spent with him. We now donate to more charities than we both ever thought we had the money to do. Myself, Elliot's Grandma and Godmother make blankets for other preemies who don't make it. I have started a March for Babies Team in Elliot's honor. I have soooo many wonderful family and friends. We are trying to get pregnant again, not to replace Elliot, but to grow our family. We believe we would make awesome parents and can't wait for the chance. Right now our children are our pet, Gonzo the cat and Sassy the Dog...this is us...
Now let me introduce you to some wonderful people in my life, why should I keep them to myself any more?
Staci..Staci always calls or texts to check on me, she always has and always will, not matter what she is doing she always makes herself available to me and does whatever is in her power to help with whatever she can. She is an awesome human being, and not even a blood relative...she is an angel!
Lori, I gushed about Lori in another post, but no one could ask for a friend better than Lori and she is not a blood relative either....Can you believe that I have two cousins lucky enough to have married these angels?
Sarah, I have known Sarah for some time. She gets me. I can be as honest with Sarah as I am myself and she understands. If you ever catch us sitting in the corner pointing at you and laughing, then yes, we are probably talking about and making fun of you...that is just who we are. We are comfortable enough with ourselves to see our own flaws and laugh hysterically at them too!
Sami , I have known Sam since we were in first grade. Sam is about as down to Earth as you will get, she will tell you how it is, whether you want to hear it or not...she tries to be nice about it, but it's Sam! LOL And I love her for this! She has a great sense of humor and a love that is never ending!
Audra, I have known Audra about as long as I have known Sam...I haven't talked to her much of lately, but I hope she knows that I love her as much today as I ever have. Audra would give you the shirt off her back and the shoes off her feet if it would help you. And I just know that she loves that baby boy of hers so much she can't breath sometimes. I unfortunately have been so selfish with my grief, I don't know for sure, I have let distance and grief come between us, but if Audra is the same girl I grew up with, I would put money on it.
Lori S. Although I have only gotten to know Lori in the past year, I love her dearly. She is honest and raw, she is not afraid to share herself with you and let you see who she really is, take it or leave it, she is honest and so very beautiful for it!
My sister, WOW, my sister is the strongest woman I know...she has been through so much and yet, she finds a way to smile....she has done so much for me I can never even begin to describe or thank her for it all!
My Mom...that is another WOW, I can't even begin to describe my feelings for my mom. She is another strong woman in my life, I think she might even be stronger than my sister....and I could never express with words my gratitude for all she has done for me or for the love I feel for her.
My hubby, I love him with every single piece of my heart. My heart still skips a beat when I see his # on my caller id, like a giddy little school girl. He makes me feel like a princess. He loves me at my best and still loves me when I throw dishes at him for no apparent reason. (Which I haven't done for a while, and I'm sure he's happy about that) He excepts and loves me unconditionally even when I feel I don't deserve it. He doesn't judge me, he only loves me.
I could go on and on with friends and family, Michael, Luci, Bob and Julie, Pam and Chris, Rick and Tracy, aunt TT and the list goes on and on...These people are in my life because I choose for them to be here, that is what makes our bonds so special. I don't need any of them and they don't need me, but for whatever reason we each have chosen to be part of each others lives, and nothing will change that. They are all angels in my eyes, my Earthly Angels! And I am luck and thankful and grateful for each and every one of you.
I have discovered I have so much more to be thankful for and to be happy about than I do to cry about.
I miss Elliot, and I will forever cry when that pain gets to hard and takes my breath away...that pain will dull but never disappear, but I was letting myself become something I am not. I have changed in a lot of ways, I see most of them being positive...
Anyhoo that is the new me, the broken and put back together the best way I know how me. The me that will still be upset and cry when I get that BFN, I will cry when I think about my dear sweet baby boy who is in heaven. But life is too short to be bitter and angry. And although a sadness will always linger within me, it will not take me over. I have a choice. A choice I have made to let me be me, whoever I shall be. Love me or leave me, that is your choice. But I choose happiness, no matter what is thrown my way. My life path will be full of love, laughter, heartbreak, death, good times and bad, it will be full of potholes and hills of gold...and I accept that.
Thanks for taking the time to meet the "new" me and those that I choose to be part of my life, I hope we can still be friends!

Please Come Walk With Me

2010-03-09T15:48:00.002-05:00

I have started a team for our local March of Dimes Walk that will be May 2, 2010 in Zanesville. If you are in the area and would like to join team "Elliot's Angels," please follow the link below and join us! The more the merrier!
If you can't walk but would like to make a donation to our team, you can do that too at the link below.
My goal for our team isn't very high, this being my first year and starting a little late I didn't set the goal too high in fear of getting frazeled about it!
So if you can help awesome, even prayers that we raise money for this wonderful orginization would be greatly appreciated!!
Thank you,
Elliot's Mommy

http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?si=5917668C-55BE-4AFE-BBCA-C6D435CD75F9&SeID=1383775&prefill=

Bitter...

2010-02-23T15:39:00.004-05:00

I have to start this post of with a HUGE thanks to one of my best friends! LORI, you are more special to me than I think you will ever know or realize. For those of you who don't know Lori, she is the most giving, understand and amazing women I have ever met. She is a wonderful friend, wife (Well you'll have to ask her hubby, but I bet he'd agree) and mother. I only hope I can be as good a mother to my children as she is to hers!
Lori has been there through everything with Russ and I. We have a very special bond that only we understand. We can go forever without talking and pick right back up like only seconds went by since our last conversation.
She is helping with and the driving force behind the blankets for the NICU, it was her kindness that lead to this project.
And of course, she did it again!
We were together last Friday night, I had had a shitty day....she stole me away to give me a gift. She gave me two tubes of Pineapple Chapstick. Now why is this so amazing? Because she remembered...she remembered that I had said that Elliot always smelled like Pineapple Chapstick. I don't know why he did, he just did and she remembered! Now I can smell Elliot whenever I want to....to some of you this might seem silly, but it means the world to me! And it's funny how something so insignificant could touch my heart so deeply, but only Lori knew what it meant to me and got it! And I needed it at that moment and there it was....

Boys, boys, boys....it seems like everyone around me is pregnant with and having little boys...bitter, yes, do I want to be bitter, no...and I won't be forever....
Babyshowers...bitter? yes because I never got mine for Elliot, do I want to be, no
Birthday coming up...bitter? yes, because my birthday marks six months that Elliot has been gone.
Not being pregnant yet...bitter? yes, duh and don't tell me to stop trying it will happen... as much as I hope it does, we really don't know that, and unless you have had motherhood literally ripped from your hands, don't say that to me even if I ask your opinion. You can sit with your healthy baby and talk to me until you are blue in the face...it won't make a difference about how I feel.
I hate feeling that way, but that's how I feel. I have pulled away from several friends, I don't talk to them like I used to because I am afraid this venom will spill out of my mouth and really hurt someone, I would never want to hurt someone I love, but sometimes I talk without thinking, especially if I am upset....
AND WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DOES IT SEEM LIKE EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT ME?????
So today I am having a bitter type of day, tomorrow I will probably regret everything I just typed, but these are the feelings of a grieving mother, so deal with it, I have to!

It was supposed to be his room....

2010-02-14T20:15:00.002-05:00

We bought an Elliptical, I seriously need to lose weight...and instead of putting it in the spare room in the basement (it'd be to hard to walk up and down the steps to exercise, LOL) we put it in the spare bedroom, the room that supposed to be Elliot's.
Of course I was fine when I started to put stuff away, Elliot's memory box and stuffed teddy and other small things. Then I found a laundry basket from "that weekend," the weekend when everything happened and it had all of the red baby clothes I had bought for Elliot, including a very cute Christmas outfit, in it. And in good old Brandy fashion, I SHOVED them into a drawer to close, instead of folding them neatly or hanging them neatly, I SHOVED them away. The same way I manage to SHOVE my feelings deep down most days. But today, I let myself go. I stood in that empty room that was once awaiting a baby, now awaiting an exercise machine, and cried. And I cried and sobbed...but it's ok, I haven't done that for a while.
Life has been rough the last five months, I can truly say that. But I still remind myself, as bad as we have had it lately, we still have sooooo much more than a lot of people. And while this doesn't make it any better, it does pull me back to reality. Although there are many days I want to lay in bed all day, I want the world to stop spinning and just grieve for as long as I want, without interruption, I can't, it doesn't work that way. So I get up, paint a smile on my face, most days, and go about my business.
And isn't if funny how grief steals things from us and makes us petty? Here's my example. I have been invited to quite a few baby shower's lately, I have declined to go. I can't do it right now and the girls are so nice and understanding. And each has said they weren't sure whether to invite me or not...I am upset for being invited, I never got my baby shower, but on the other hand, I would be REALLY upset if I hadn't been invited....and it makes me feel petty and very angry at this grief.
And so is my letter to grief.

Dear grief,
Why do you come and go? I know you are there, lurking in the corner, why not stick around for the whole party, get it done and over with?
Grief, you are selfish and I don't like it, you have turned me into something I'm not. You have turned a happy, joy-filled person into a bitter and jealous women.
You have made me learn to much in to little time and for this I despise you. I hate it that you sneak up on me, in my small moment of happiness, only to steal the smile from my face. I hate how you turn my eyes into waterfalls for no apparent reason. I hate is especially when you lash out at my husband for no reason other than to make yourself known.
But I also know you are not going anywhere, and I have to deal with you. So to you I say "Bring it on!" Bring on the waterworks, the jealousy, the bitterness. Because I know the better I learn to deal with you, the better person I will be. I know that before long, you will not steal my smile as often, you will look at someone else's baby and smile...that day will come and I know it.
So just know Grief, I am here, you will not control my life anymore!
Sincerely,
Elliot's Mommy

And on a final note, I haven't posted for a while because I feel in limbo...not sure exactly where, just like I don't belong anywhere, and I am sure you have felt this before.
I got a BFN last week. And as hard as I prayed for the Positive Pregnancy Test Fairy to grant my wish, old, bitter and unwelcome Aunt Flow came instead. So now I am trying to focus on losing weight, hence the elliptical, instead of being so baby crazy.
And I leave you with a question...
Please tell me if I am not alone... has having a Rainbow ever completely consumed your every waking moment? And how do you stop it from consuming your life?

Sadness and Solace

2010-02-06T20:49:00.002-05:00

My husbands mother died early this morning of a heart-attack...I come to you and ask for prayers for my hubby. I hope his heart does not get to heavy to handle this latest test from above...
And just when I am feeling tested, He sends me a sign that He is still a good God. Today that came in the form of a picture from Lisa. I will post them later, but Thank You Lisa, they are beautiful.
I leave you with this.... from my dear friend Alicia!
Have you ever wondered how a preemie mommy is chosen?
You ever wonder how mothers of premature babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint. . .give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel." "But does she have the patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it. "I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy." "But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side." "And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

AND

"A Mother has a baby" This we know is true "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?" "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay." "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw the tear. "I wish I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With all the other children and say... 'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come strait here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.' "So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"

Blankets and Tags for OSU Pastoral Care

2010-01-31T19:08:00.007-05:00

Bad Blogger AND FREE STUFF

2010-01-28T05:34:00.008-05:00

I haven't blogged for a while with reason. I felt like the only time I have blogged is when I am depressed, and I'm not always depressed and I don't want to become that person...the one who only opens her mouth to complain. Don't get me wrong, I am that person, but I am tired of her!!

I had a total meltdown at 1:30am Tuesday, not fun...I was laying in bed and didn't even have the strength to hide from DH this time...then I felt bad for wailing so loud I woke him up....not sure what brought it on...
I am feeling better...went to therapy Wednesday...I really like this guy, he seems to know his stuff and is not a stuffed-shirt ass...like I was expecting, not sure why, just was.

I am excited this morning...I should be asleep but I feel like a kid at Christmas. The fertility monitor showed a peak sign this morning! I want to shout it from the roof...not because I am so excited about getting pregnant this month, just happy something isn't wrong with me. After last month, I thought maybe I wasn't ovulating and was completely freaking out, thinking that there was something wrong.
Now, I know there is a good chance it's going to take a couple of months to get pregnant, but that fact that I finally hit that peak sign makes me happy, that is one step forward!!!

NOW FOR THE FREE STUFF!!
I have been wanting to post this stuff for a while, but here are some freebies I have found that might interest you!

The first if for two free touch-ups for your angel baby. This place is awesome! I had it done and love the fact that I now have some pics of Elliot without the tubes and without the bruises, he looks even more perfect than before, if that is possible!
Anyhoo here is the link: http://www.babyangelpics.com/

Here are Elliot's before and after pics....

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE:
AFTER:

The next thing I want to share is for those of you pregnant with your rainbow, or if you are trying for a rainbow, book mark this site for when you get pregnant. This site lends out dopplers to high risk women and/or women that have miscarried or have a stillborn or neonatal death. FOR FREE! Your doc has to write you a script, but I am hoping your doc is sensitive enough to do this for you!
Here is the link: http://tinyheartbeats.org/Doppler_rentals.htm

And lastly, BabyCenter.com, is offering coupons from Canvas on Demand. It's a $60.00 coupon, you only pay like $14.00 for shipping, and it is awesome! I got mine over the weekend and I LOVE IT!! It's perfect!

I hope you find this useful!
XOXOXOXO
Brandy

Questions

2010-01-20T19:50:00.002-05:00

So a friend of mine posted a question on his Facebook page, after answering it, I kind of feel bad...
Question: " Have you ever just answered yes to a question because it was easier than getting into it by saying no? Please give examples...."

My answer: " hmmmm.....a lot lately, actually it's the reverse for me, a lot when I am asked if I have children, sometimes it's just easier to say no, then I don't create the awkwardness when they start asking about how old they are and I have to explain he has died....saves a lot of headache sometimes...and emotions...i know that sounds so wrong...."

So now I ask, have you found yourself doing this? I admit I did it a lot...Sometimes just to avoid the awkwardness....and some days I just wait for people to ask me so that I can tell them my story and about my baby. It just depends on what kind of mood I am in, is this wrong?
I don't want to ignore Elliot or forget about him, and I speak of him often...and I am actually getting better about spouting off the short version of what happened without being obliterated to tears...but some days I just don't have it in me to go through all of it....

Desperate? Maybe...

2010-01-17T22:20:00.004-05:00

Okay, so in the past few days, I have ordered Pre-Seed and Softcups, made my hubby buy a zinc supplement and am listening to hypno-therapy for conception...Desperate you might say...Being well informed and prepared, I say!
I hope it's not all a bunch of hype, but I am willing to try what I have to. I even talk to Elliot and ask him to help mommy have a baby brother or sister, is that wrong? I want Elliot to be with us every part of the way, he is the big brother and I would hope he would be the "protector" whether on earth or in heaven...and I am hoping he is in heaven with his sibling, teaching him or her lots things before they are sent to us on this earth....
Call me crazy if you want to.....I will let you know how it works....

BFN Enough Said!

2010-01-13T12:19:00.004-05:00

So the fertility monitor that has been on HIGH for 13 days showed LOW this morning. And since my cycles have been 27-28 days since having Elliot, I decided to take a HPT today on day 25 of my cycle and got a BFN!!!
Now, I am not totally giving up hope, my cycle was screwy before Elliot was born, so we will wait and see and take another HPT this weekend if AF doesn't visit before then.
I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up so I wouldn't be disappointed, but inside I was PRAYING, HOPING and WISHING for that BFP!!
I go to see a therapist this afternoon and am nervous. I went to one after my dad died and it didn't help, but I am praying that maybe he can do something to help me sleep without meds. I think I have tried everything else....warm milk, melatonin pills, another herbal remedy called Sleep Essentials, Tylenol PM, Xanax, lavender in my pillow case, warm bath, warm bath with lavender...nothing seems to work, even the benadryl that used to put me out like a light only works for about an hour or so...even then my dreams are so vivid I don't feel rested.
Now I did sleep a lot on Monday and yesterday, but I was sicker than a dog! I think my body totally hates me! I have had both flu shots, but my body is sooooo wore down that I am getting sick A LOT! I hate being sick, I don't do sick very well. I am a BIG BABY and I don't have time to be sick, there are more important things to do!! One year my boss paid me out for a year and a half of vacation days that I didn't use, just because I hate missing work....
Sorry for the rant, just frustrated today and hoping that this therapy works. I am sceptical but trying to keep an open mind!

*****UPDATE*****
AF Showed up yesterday morning, so we will try the fertility monitor another month and see what happens.
And as far as the therapy...it was great! I have actually slept two nights in a row. Dr. Wolfgang is wonderful and I will be continuing my sessions until I feel I no longer need it. In just one hour he helped me work through a few things, imagine what he can do if I keep going back! May God bless him...I couldn't do his job, do you realize this man mostly gets to hear the horrible things that happen to people on a daily basis...Anyhoo, I would recommend therapy if you can find a good one...

Your Prayers Worked! Thank You

2010-01-11T22:19:00.005-05:00

My GF called and told me that the baby DOES NOT have anecephaly! YEAH!!! There is a possibility of a growth, but they said it could also be an ear! Who are these doctors! But the brain and skull are developing and working just fine!
Thank you all sooo very much for your prayers!
Brandy

HELP PLEASE

2010-01-11T11:15:00.002-05:00

Okay, My cousin and I are making blankets for the local NICU and unfortunately the blankets we are making will be for angel baby's.
I want to make a card to attach to each of the blankets, but I am not sure what to say.
Any ideas, poems, bible versus, or sayings that comforted you in your time of need, please send my way. I want to make various cards, because not everyone finds comfort in God, but I want to be able to comfort these families in some small way.
You help with this project is much appreciated.
Brandy and Lori

THIS PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP!

2010-01-09T22:52:00.002-05:00

Obsession and Wondering

2010-01-08T09:40:00.002-05:00

So I have become OBSESSED with peeing on things!! LOL Peeing on fertility monitor stick of all sorts and pretty soon on HPT sticks...I have already bought them, just impatiently waiting to use them. Trying to get pregnant again has CONSUMED my life... What did I do before or obsess about before this? ...How did I even function before? What did I do to fill time?
And I hate my body. Please don't beat me up for saying this, but I feel like it is one big hunk of doo-doo! I feel like it has failed me soooooo much in the past year and I am still very angry about it! I have tried taking good care of my body, but it's not returning the favor...and not I am not psychotic, just overwhelmed I guess...
And I have a question for you BLM's in blogger land, is what is happening to us more common than we knew before now, or am I just really under a "dead baby cloud?" Don't take that the wrong way but I feel like everyone around me is miscarrying, having fertility problems or something has happened to their little ones. Maybe my eyes were just closed before now because it didn't concern me? I don't know....but I really don't like it. It's bad enough that I am going through this, but to have people I know and love go through it too? Just isn't right!
Does anyone else ever feel like their memories are fading? I want so bad to hold onto them so much, but feel like my mind is failing me...Like I can't remember the small details I used or they are more foggy than they used to be...and this is sooooo upsetting.
I never want to forget that my sweet Elliot smelled like pineapple chap stick (I don't know why, but he did) Or the way my heart skipped when he held my finger with his tiny little hand, or the day that he opened his eyes and said hello to the world, the same day DH got to hold him and was scared out of his mind, the sweat dripping down his forehead and the look on his face...And although right now I do remember all of this, it feels like an old photograph with a light haze covering everything...
Boy I hope I am not committed for this post, and no I am not smoking any pot!! LOL
I just don't ever want to forget!

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-01-07T02:50:00.002-05:00

First off, thank you to Susan at http://jeffsusangracie.blogspot.com for the nomination, this is my very first blogger award and I am honored!

The rules are simple: just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award...

1. I have lost many people in my short life and death does not really have the effect on me that it used to. I am in no way immune to the sadness of it all, I just look at things in a completely different light. I lost my dad 2 weeks before my 18th birthday and my mom had to make the decision to take him off of life support. In 2002 my best friend, Gavin Neighbor was killed in Iraq fighting for your and my freedom and a few years ago my I watched as my uncle, who affectionately called me Noodle 2, took his last breath... and of course my darling Elliot, and the sad thing, those are only a few losses....

2. I didn't really like my mom much when I was younger and now I don't know what I'd do without her! We talk at least once, if not more, daily.

3. I have an incessant need to make people happy, which I am in the process of getting over. I have started to "trim the so-called fat" from my life and am feeling better than I have in a LONG time!

4. I am a total nerd/geek and should have glasses with tape holding them together...I love anything electronic! I love to read and problem solve, do math in my head and I LOVE it when I look like a genius to my hubby and at work! I like tearing apart my computer when it doesn't work, and I will research anything for hours at a time if I am interested in it!

5. I am messy and I hate housework!!! My house usually looks like a tornado has gone through it and I have no clue how DH's stands it. Because as messy as our house is and as much as I hate to clean, I also totally hate clutter and messes!! (I know, not right!!) My desk at work is always nice and tidy before I leave at night!

6. I do not go to church on a regular basis, but I believe I am a pretty religious person. I don't need to go to church to talk to God. I also believe in heaven and hell and also in signs from above.

7. I hate stupid people and I hate even more when people act stupid just to get attention. BUT if you can make me laugh without being ignorant, we will be friends for life!!

My nominations are:

1. Christy @ http://almostamother.blogspot.com

2. Karen@ http://busyhandsbc.blogspot.com/

3. Marie @ http://myexpectedend.blogspot.com/

4. Margaret @ http://margaretsundone.blogspot.com/

5. Brittanie @ http://corarei.blogspot.com/

6. Rachel @ http://thebiggestloss.blogspot.com/

7. Jackie @ http://brokenangel1122.blogspot.com

I hate only picking 7 because you are all so precious to me and my journey in this new normal!!

ASKING FOR PRAYERS, ONE LESS TO JOIN THIS CLUB!

2010-01-04T23:13:00.002-05:00

My BF since grade school just called me. She got some grim news today at her US. The doc saw a "sack." They are telling her it could be anecephaly...And I know from reading Holly and Lisette's blogs what this means for her and her baby if this what it turns out to be.
They are also telling her it could be a fluid sack or the yolk sack, PLEASE, PLEASE pray that this is the case. I DO NOT want my BF to join this club. I wish none of us were here, but to have someone so close to me in this place makes me sooooooo sick!
She has another US on Monday and will find out for sure, I will keep you posted.
Thank you for your prayers.
Brandy

The cost of being pregnant....

2010-01-04T16:37:00.002-05:00

I know I shouldn't complain, but I went to buy more sticks for the fertility monitor and after having been to 4 different places, I finally found them and "OUCH" said my wallet. I am so excited to pee on this damn stick every morning and I would have bought them no matter how much they cost, but why does it seem that those who are the most desperate have to pay more for EVERYTHING. And at this point I am desperate to get pregnant again...And fertility drugs or monitor to help you get pregnant in the first place is just ridiculously expensive...Weight Loss products, expensive....finding a mate on the Internet, I have heard is expensive...WHY?
Simple, they know we are desperate and willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get the result we want, no matter what it might be....
On another note, I went to a local pharmacy to have Elliot's retouched pictures printed out...that's another post....and when I was checking out, the lady was counting my pictures and said very sarcastically, "oh, how cute." Mind you sarcasm was just dripping from her mouth as she uttered those words. I was about ready to reach across the counter and strangle her with her own friggin vest. I was also waiting for her to ask me one of "those" usual questions...luckily she didn't and I left the store on my own accord, not in hand-cuffs....
So I am waiting for the friggin' peek sign to show up on this monitor, I am wondering if it will work, for some reason my luck is the pits. And for some reason, I feel this has nothing to do with timing, science, want or will, but rather luck. And luck is something I have never had much of, so with that, I am keeping everything crossed and hoping for the best!
I also wanted to thank all of my blog friends. Your friendship, comments and your own personal blogs mean so much to me. I shutter to think of where I would be on this journey without all of your love and support and for that I am most grateful!

....and I grant you three wishes.

2010-01-03T09:59:00.003-05:00

So I thought this would be a fun way to start out the new year!

I am making myself the 2010 wish fairy. And along with this I am also granting each and every blogger three wishes. (Since I have that kind of power and all!!! LOL I am a Pisces, always the dreamer....)

These wishes can be a fantasy or as obtainable as you would like them to be. You only get three! The only condition, you must grant three wishes to all of your blog readers!

Wishes for ForeverElliotsMommy:

1. I wish for a healthy pregnancy and baby in 2010! (as I am sure many of us do!)

2. I wish to have my credit score back to a decent number by 2011!(Maybe there is such thing as a credit fairy!! LOL)

3. I wish I could see myself through my DH's eyes. I want to know what he sees when he looks at me, what he feels and what he thinks. Does his heart still skip a beat when he comes home and I am there, like mine does? Does his heart still race every time we kiss, like mine does? I know it's a silly wish and I don't doubt his love for me, I just have always wanted to see myself through his eyes!

So now I grant you three wishes and pass you the magic wand to grant three wishes to your blog readers.

Not baby related

2010-01-02T00:16:00.002-05:00

So, I am having a tuff time. Some people pretty close to me are getting divorced and I feel in the middle of it...sometimes...it's weird.
I found out a lot of stuff about someone I thought I knew. She was so fake and pretended to be something she sooooooo isn't. And I feel bad for him for being left in the dark for so long. Now, no one is without blame in situations like this, it just sucks to feel like you are in the middle of some one's disaster...and the kids are soooo blinded it's not funny, if they only knew what she had done....
We are TTC again and I really don't need this stress...The doc thinks stress contributed a lot to my pre-term labor, although I have never told anyone this before now....after I told him everything that was going on at the time....he told me to de-stress my life to make things easier on the baby...so I have tried. And my life is stress free until she pops in and stirs up shit!!! ARRRRGHHHHHH! I just need to scream and let off some steam!
BTW this is the same women who I thought was a friend, tell me this though. If you were my friend, would you have me subpoenaed to court less than 2 weeks after my child DIED?? And I really didn't need to be there! Didn't think so, some friend, right! (see where this stress was coming from!) And people wonder why I have changed!! GEEEEEESH
So here's to living, not surviving and a stress free tomorrow, well technically a stress free later today!! :-)

Adios and Hasta Luego 2009!

2009-12-31T13:36:00.002-05:00

Good bye and See You Later to 2009!! (Never took a day of Spanish in my life, had to google it :c p)

So I am shutting the door to the year before! (thank you Coconis for that line!!)

I leave behind a house fire, a horrid fight with DH's niece proceeded by the move out, many nights in the hospital with DH's mom, divorce of those close to me and of course the loss of our baby boy Elliot.

I leave all of these painful memories where they belong, in 2009 and look forward to 2010.

The ovulation monitor says my fertility level is high so just waiting for that peak sign now!! Trying not to get my hopes up, but not looking forward to much else..... Except 2010 promises to be a better year and I am going to strive to make it that way! I refuse to just survive anymore!

So goodbye, good riddance and go fuck yourself '09!!!

Scared!

2009-12-30T22:05:00.004-05:00

So, have you ever read so many other blogs that you scared yourself out of your figgin mind? Well, I just did! I have spent all day reading other BLM blogs and am freaking out. How do these women deal with multiple losses, miscarriages, infertility, all I can say is WOW and Holy Shit - hold on!

I was so naive to everything that could happen, and I still wish I was one who was naive. I have friends who are pregnant and I am afraid to scare the HELL out of them if I slip up and say, well I was reading......

I am also afraid this is going to make me way more anxious if and when we do conceive again!

I don't want to quit reading and I won't but wow, as bad as DH and I have had it, it could be way worse!!

So how do you politely tell friends that your baby isn't replaceable? I'm still hearing "you will have anther one" or, or, "wait til you have kids."

Well, I do have a child, he's just in heaven and while I hope to have another baby one day, I want everyone to know it won't make the pain I feel for the loss of Elliot any less. I will still be as devastated as I am now...could you imagine your baby dying? Didn't think so.....

Not to sound so bitter today, but there are just so many emotions that I don't know what to think anymore. And it's pretty bad when you are trying your best to fake it, and your boss is the only one that notices something isn't quite right...I have sort of secluded myself from the world for the time being, only letting a select few in on the me who isn't faking it....I have to say, I have gotten pretty good, most people don't notice I'm still dying inside! And that's okay with me....

Still Alive

2009-12-27T11:54:00.002-05:00

So we made it through Christmas, and we are still alive. I could have sworn to you that my heart would be breaking sooooo much that I would have died sometime during the Christmas celebrations....but we survived.

Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be...I had NO expectations this year and it worked out great. I wasn't stressed and I didn't give a shit about much more than my hubby and my thoughts of my baby...and everyone else was just as cool about it as I was! We are so fortunate to have such wonderful family and friends. When I told them we weren't celebrating, no one gave us crap and tried to tell us how we should, and I had expected this out of everyone, but I was pleasantly surprised. I did promise everyone though that next year I would try a little harder to be more in the spirit, and I hope I am, but to be honest, not being all stressed out and worried like I usually am was kind of nice. I have no decorations to take back down and drag down stairs, didn't make a shitload of sweets to try to get rid of and so on.....

I am excited for 2009 to be over....DH did reel me back in though, he told me as bad as this year was, we are lucky and it could have been worse. And he was right, as usual....see losing Elliot was just the last of bad things to happen....We had a house fire in January and had to redo our entire kitchen from the floor up and re carpet our house....DH's niece who is 17 and lived with us for a year moved out, and leading up to that move out, was not pretty whatsoever....taking care of someone else's teen, not an easy job! So even though it was bad, DH is right, it could always be worse...

Sorry for the rambling....I haven't written for a while and needed to....

Peace to everyone and here's to a GREAT 2010 for EACH AND EVERYONE of us!!

Brandy

HE SAID YES!!!!

2009-12-21T14:19:00.002-05:00

So - I got the best news today! The Doc said we could TTC again!! He gave me the antibiotics and go ahead.
I asked if he thought I had an incompetent cervix, he said he wasn't sure but didn't think so. We went over "the plan" and he told me I would be watched like hawk.... I wanted to ask, "WTF wasn't I watched like a hawk the first time? WTF are we all not watched like hawks the whole way?" I know it's impossible to think that could happen, but think of all of us that would still have our precious children....It irks me.
But regardless, we got the go-ahead. I was informed that I WOULD be put on bed rest no matter what this time...So I get to have that conversation with my boss tomorrow. I just want everyone prepared, I AM going to be a pain in the a$$ this time and I don't care. I was so worried about being a hypo. the last time, I didn't listen to my body. I'm pretty sure my boss is going to be totally cool about the whole thing, he's pretty cool about everything, it just makes me nervous....
I am keeping the good news from my mom though and it kills me. BUT I don't want to hear the "your not ready's" or the "it hasn't been long enough's" I don't care what anyone else thinks. Russ and I had a LONG conversation and we are both ready!
DH was ready right away, before Elliot had even passed he was talking about TTC again, that freaked me out!! But now, he had better watch it!!!! LOL

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and yours!!
Brandy

Show and Tell on Steriods!!

2009-12-17T22:38:00.012-05:00

So I did this bass-ackwards... I wanted to share all of this stuff with you in a certain order, but this thing had other ideas, so in no particular order:

A replica of Elliot's blankie that his Godmother Lori made for him. When I think about the frozen ground and my psycho mind starts worrying about Elliot being cold, I remember this loving gift and know he is snuggled in his blankie and his mommy has one just like it! The little hat I made, see below, is on there so you can see how little it is....

Top is my "Expect a Miracle" bracelet from myforeverchild.com; for when we TTC again, and to remind me to look for the bright side and expect a miracle, not disappointment!

Bottom pic is my Past, Present and Future ring my hubby got me for Christmas. We aren't actually celebrating other than exchanging presents last weekend....

Picture from Mike Nelson of Mike Nelson's Frames Flames and More. I had taken a couple sets of Elliot's prints to him, he took the best of each hand and foot, cleaned them up and made me cd and gave me a couple of copies of "perfect" prints. Then a few days later him and his wife, Tina, surprised me with this! I LOVE IT!! I love it so much I had him make the exact same thing for DH and I's parents.

My necklace from myforeverchild.com. Thanks to Mike, this turned out perfect. Susan's work is soooo GREAT!!

Elliot's headstone is finally correct and decorated for Christmas!

Creepy cat hanging out at the cemetery... Can you spot him?

Hat I crocheted to donate to the local NICU...That's a quarter beside of it so you can see how small it is. Hoping to make LOTS more!

Beautiful Ornament from my GF Sarah from Things Remembered. The outside says " We never lose the ones we love- they live on in our hearts." The inside says "Our Angel Russell Elliot Miller." And of course I haven't found the perfect picture to put in it yet!

Ornament from my GF Audra. Isn't it beautiful!! It came from intimeofsorrow.com. It's hand painted! It says "Baby's First Christmas in Heaven" and is personalized on the back.

Personalized Ornament from Pat and Dorothy Goebel, the funeral home that took care of Elliot's showing, they were wonderful people and how AWESOME of them to remember our baby in such a special way!

Ornament I found at Hobby Lobby, I saw it and it SCREAMED at me to buy it!!

So all in all, after all of the complaining I did about finding the perfect ornament, I have several thanks to my wonderful family and friends. I still have a few that I haven't picked up yet from other loved ones, but as soon as I get them I will post pics.

Doing this show and tell makes me realize how lucky I am to have so many wonderful, special people in not only MRL but also here, in our little horrid club!! :-)

Lots of love to you tonight, hoping your heart can find a moment of peace, and if only for a split second, a smile...

More Prayers Please

2009-12-16T23:47:00.001-05:00

Update: Brice made it through his surgery just fine!! THANK YOU for the prayers.

I am asking for more now though...A girl that went to my high school lost her baby on Monday. I don't know much other than she was due in April. Please say prayers for her and her hubby and their families, that they have the strength we have gained to trudge through this tragedy.
Thank you,
Brandy

Prayers Please

2009-12-16T14:08:00.003-05:00

My girlfriend, whose son Brice is in the NICU at Children's is having surgery today. Please pray that it goes well for him. He will also be having two more surgeries in the future, please continue to keep them in your prayers. Brice was born at 24 weeks and 1 day, only weighing 14oz. He is now up to 4lbs and 12oz, he is growing like a weed! He has a lot of complications being premature, but he is holding his own and I ask that everyone pray he continues to!
It has been a rough ride for Brice's mama, we have walked down the same path during our pregnancy, only I took the path less traveled as she is on the one to a happy, healthy baby. I believe Elliot is watching over Brice and his parents, I pray he is.

On another note...
I am such an impatient person...I am counting the days until Monday. The perfect Christmas present would be for Dr. Lepi to tell me it's okay to TTC again. It would just be perfect! But I keep questioning if the universe believes I deserve it??? It seems like there are so many things that this universe feels I don't deserve and quite frankly, I'm sick of it!
I WANT a happy, healthy baby!!!!! I want the next pregnancy to end as mine with Elliot should have. I am taking so many steps to ensure it, but I have a feeling, that something is doomed to stop it. I am petrified that my body will fail me once again! I know anyone whose been through a tragedy as we have, understands these feelings. I pray they subside....
Please say little prayer, if you can squeeze it in, I know there are more important things to pray for....that my doc gives the go ahead on Monday!!
XOXO
Brandy

Emotions Running Rampid

2009-12-15T05:00:00.002-05:00

I don't even know if I spelled that right! LOL
So I see my OB on the 21st and I am PRAYING that he gives the okay to TTC again. I want to start, like yesterday, but I also want our next baby to have the best chances possible and if that means waiting another month, as unhappy as I'll be, so be it.
It's crazy, but this all still feels like such a bad dream, like it's blurry and didn't really happen...
I was even dreaming about my appointment...I wrote a LONG list of questions out for my appointment already and am adding to them everyday, and in my dream I had forgotten my list and was freaking out!
God I pray it turns out different the next time around. I don't want to do this again and my hearts just breaks to pieces when I think of the women will multiple losses, I just can't even fathom!
We decorated Elliot's grave on Saturday and I feel better about the holiday's...I hate that it's cold though...I know it's silly, but I worry about him being cold. And I know I'm not crazy, I'm not the only one with this feeling....but wanting to dig him up again on Saturday kinda freaked me out. I just wanted to hold him and keep him warm and protect him from the cold! I gotta quit feeling that way, that's why I don't visit his grave often, I'm afraid of completely losing it and actually trying to do it...How nutso am I????
I am glad though that Elliot is no longer in pain, not suffering, not having to fight so hard. My friend's baby in the NICU is doing good, but there is a lot going on, as anyone with experience in the NICU knows...and it may seem horrible to you that I feel this way, but I'm glad Elliot isn't going through all of that...He had enough in his short life...all of the surgeries and different things to battle. I know my baby boy is happy, not in pain, and with my Dad! I have to quit being so selfish and wanting him back all the time...I think about it and have realized, as much as this all sucks, I would NEVER want my little man to suffer any more than was necessary! Does that make me a sick person??? I don't even care!
I still miss him more than anything in this world, but if giving him up meant a better life than he would ever have on earth, with his family, so be it.

Elliot,
I miss you and think of you everyday. I know you are watching over your daddy and me. I feel you around me all of the time. Make sure you take good care of your Pappaw! I know it won't ever be soon enough for me, but I will see you, hold you and kiss you again one of these days!
Forever and always,
Mommy

Tribute to Elliot

2009-12-11T15:26:00.003-05:00

My cousin Joey got this tattoo last night as a present to himself. He just graduated college and is now an RN...
It is also a tribute of sorts to Elliot. We called Elliot our "Little Superman" because he was such a strong little fighter, hence the Superman Emblem! Joey even brought a Superman Figurine to Elliot's showing and I buried it with him.
Joe and his entire family have been there for Russell and I throughout and still call and check on us when others calls have become far and few between. They are so dear to us and I hope they know how much we appreciate and love them!
I hope Joe knows how much this means to me...I know that Elliot will not be forgotten, and this just strengthens this thought. The fact that he thought that much of my Baby Boy and family, I can't even put words to how much that means to me!
Thank you Joe, Staci, Caitlin, Victor, Michael and TT! I love you!
Brandy

It finally happened

2009-12-10T00:27:00.002-05:00

So that crashing and burning I was waiting for, finally came, Monday night in the form of what started out as innocent happy tears.
My GF SS sent me a BEAUTIFUL ornament she had personalized from Things Remembered. I start blubbering happy tears, so happy that someone else though of my Elliot....then I couldn't stop....and when I say I couldn't stop, I literally couldn't stop. I left a trail if snot and tears across my bed, (I know, how gross) I had to change my sheets. Kept DH up all night, got about 2 hours of sleep, and that's being generous! Walk into work Tuesday and started blubbering right away at my boss. God Bless him!!! We talked for a while and he gave me some supplements to help me sleep at night, all natural herbs, which is cool, I hate taking stuff to sleep.
My sis had to bring me my xanax to work cause I still couldn't stop. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my nose was sore...it was AWFUL!
BUT I am lots better now, course I would hope after about 24 hours of crying!!!
Now for a funny!
So I actually got a few hours of sleep Tuesday after my breakdown. And about 3 o'clock am I started dreaming about my Ex brother in law. I was dreaming he was supposed to be watching my sis' 5 kids and was no where to be found. So my sis and her bf went upstairs to search for him. While up there, he comes waltzing into the room and my oldest nephew starts yelling "here he is, here he is." (The funny parts coming, I promise) Well BIL grabs nephew by the shirt and I SCREAM "Take your F'ing hands off him or I'm going to kill you!" Well apparently, the "I'm going to kill you" part, I said out loud. DH woke me up in a panic and of course I had no idea what he was talking about for a few minutes, until after I got my bearings. So now there's a big joke that we upped DH's Life Insurance and I'm going to knock him off. He even threatened to sleep in the bedroom with the doors locked! He said I sounded so angry that it actually scared him. He said he slowly opened his eyes expecting me to be standing over him with my gun or a knife and all he could think was "what the hell did I do now." How funny is that!!
I also have to say that I have some awesome GF's. They are so understanding and loving and all acknowledge Elliot and it is just AWESOME!! Thanks girls, you know who you are!!!
<3
B

Our Story Part Two

2009-12-07T22:11:00.002-05:00

So the nurse is wanting the doctor yesterday and I'm freaking out, still not showing it though....They wheel me into the operating room and one of the nurses tries to sit me up for an epidural. And I'm like "lady, I have a foot coming outta me, i can't sit up." The doc comes in and tells the nurse there's no time. So they are prepping me and this guy starts getting all pissy wanting to know why I still have on my bra, then informs me that if they have to use the paddles on me the under wires will burn me, great! So I tell him "cut the fucking thing off then." I was starting to lose my cool. So the anesthesiologist puts the mask on me and tells me to start counting backwards. I hear the doc ask for a scalpel and then a second later he goes "okay, let's do this." WTF The anesthesiologist, it like "whoa, she's not out yet." Thank you! Then it all goes blank and I'm in this dream state and feel like I'm choking, they must have been intibating me and I started to wake up...I had bruises on my arms and legs where they had to strap me down...
the next thing I remember is waking up asking if the baby was dead. She said no, that Children's was on the way...they wheel me into a room and tell me they are bringing the baby in....I don't know a time frame, I was DRUGGED UP. I do the emergency C-Section only took 14 minutes total and it was the first they had done, they had only done drills for a delivery like mine, they are not equipped for them and usually have time to send mom to OSU...
In the room they wheeled an incubator and Sister Bernadette baptised Elliot. I am so thankful for this. I really didn't get to see him, like I said I was JUST out of surgery and kind of out of it.
That night Colleen called me from Children's to let me know Elliot had arrived. I don't remember much but her telling me her name.
DH, FIN and Mom went to Children's with Elliot while my sis stayed with me.
I was pretty drugged up for quite some time.
On Wednesday, I got to see Elliot for the first time through a web conference thing the hospital had just set up, we were the first to use it this way.
There on that monitor was my DH and my baby, all hooked up to a lot of stuff I didn't understand. Dr. B came onto the screen to explain to me about Elliot's brain bleed, it was a stage three but they were being hopeful. I DID NOT understand any of this at the time, I wasn't there and had NEVER been inside of a NICU, I didn't know the first thing about preterm babies.
While at the hospital, God sent me an angel in the form of a PCT, Kayla. Kayla had a son at 24 weeks and she told me although it was a long rough journey her son had made it and she believed Elliot would too. The last day I was in the hospital, she brought her son to meet me. This gave me sooooo much hope.
Friday I was released from the hospital and we journeyed to Columbus and got settled into the Ronald McDonald House. DH had been there all week, I don't know how he did it!
The first time I saw Elliot I was SCARED AS HELL. He was hooked up to all of this stuff, I was just freaking out, I couldn't see his face, he looked so frail, it was scary. I cried so hard, how could I have done this to my beautiful baby boy???
We sat there for a long time while I met with his nurses and doctors and they started to explain things to me...It was a bit overwhelming.
Saturday is when he had a pen rose put in because he had a perforation in his bowel. On Monday he ended up having surgery. Dr. King came into the room they had stuck us in, this God awful room, and told us he was going to do the surgery, but Elliot wasn't going to make it! This same night they had tried to put an A line in his femoral artery on his right thigh and screwed it up...his leg looked like a little sausage link. DH and I lost hope, we were sure we weren't going to have a baby by the end of the night. We cried and held one another. Dr. King ATE his words when he came back and said Elliot make it through just fine. I expressed my displeasure with DR. King to everyone I came in contact with.
Days went by and were full of ups and down. I was having problems with my milk, not producing a whole lot. And DH was running out of leave.
Elliot had opened his eyes that Sunday and DH got to hold him, I had a cold and couldn't. I can't tell you how happy that man was to hold his son. I did eventually get to hold him a few days later.
Elliot had a shunt put in his brain on August 27 to try to help with the brain bleed. He made it through surgery fine. He was on the vent, he had been put on CPAP within 24 hours of his birth but it started to breakdown his skin and they took it off him. Over the weekend, things weren't quite right. We got a phone call in the middle of the night that they were testing Elliot for an infection, his temp was out of wack. The test came back negative.
DH went back to work on Monday and i was there alone. I had started to read this book about a couple who split up after losing their child because they couldn't handle one an others grief...I wonder in some odd way if god was preparing me. In a library full of books, I chose this one and this fact didn't come out until close to the end of the book....wierd.
On Wednesday when I went to the NICU like every other day with my "supplies" to hunker down for the day, to sit and stare. Elliot wasn't acting right. On Monday we got a new team of doc with the new month. I expressed this to his doc and the nurse several time and they told me he was acting appropriate. Not for him though and they wouldn't listen. I held Elliot for about 20 minutes and then started freaking out and asked that he be put back, I had a panic attack without reason, I really think I knew something was wrong. DH laughed at me, Elliot was being awful still and he was out wriggler, always moving and pulling his lines off, but today he was still.
That night when I called to check on him, the nurse told me she was waiting on the doc, when she had gotten there, she didn't think he was acting right...Hmmmmm sound familiar. This was Colleen who had had him several nights. She told me she would call me shortly. Like HELL, I threw my sandals on and hauled ass over to the hospital. She told me I should call my husband and I did.
What happens next seems like it was a short time but was in fact over a 5 hour period. DH arrived as soon as he could get there. There were a TON of people around Elliot, they all kept giving me this sad look and rubbing my back. I thought everything would be okay. Elliot's vitals were slowly dropping and they were giving him this that and the other and running a bunch of tests. The alarms kept going off and I couldn't watch any more. The started chest compressions on Elliot and did them for about an hour, he was stuck with 7 epi pens...it all seems like such a nightmare. I had my head buried in DH's arm saying the rosary begging God not to let my son go, to take me instead. After 7 epi pens and an hour of chest compressions DH and I made the hardest decision of our lives. We looked at Elliot and he had a blank stare and was dusky, he was already gone...DH and I held him as took him off life support. I was holding my baby when he became an angel, September 3, 2009 at 3:45 am.
No parents should EVER have to go through this. After he had passed they took us into a room where we got to hold him without all of his tubes. I got yo see his beautiful face and admire his tiny little nose that was exactly like his mommy's. Then we made "the calls."
My mom was able to come and see Elliot before we gave him back. The nurses took pictures of him which I cherish now, but wasn't so keen on the idea at the time.
God it all still feels like a bad dream.
We gave Elliot back to the nurses and went back to the RMH. There we napped for a few hours and headed home. My mom made phone calls for us. We went to the funeral home and made arrangements and the rest is on my blog.
What a horrid journey. And I still ask, why us? We are good people, we did everything by the books, why us? Ands was god trying to prepare me with the book and my milk not producing like it should have? I will never know...
I just pray to God that I never have to go through this again, and those of you who have had this experience multiple times, may God Bless You.

From the very beginning...

2009-12-07T13:10:00.002-05:00

So DH and I met in 2002, I was the ripe old age of 19 and he was about ready to turn 29. We met at the local ice cream parlor, where I worked at the time. We dated for a while, moved in together and finally in 2005 he proposed. We were married October 7, 2006. We had never really "tried" to have a baby, but we weren't preventing it, we thought if it was meant to happen it would. Then in January of 2009 we decided that we would start trying that summer, I didn't want to be pregnant over the summer months. In order for us to start trying I was going to start tracking my ovulation so that when we were ready to start we would know when...in early March I bought the packet and started the testing...I was getting aggravated because there were never two lines. So after a couple weeks of this, I thought AF was running behind schedule, I was so focused on my ovulation I had totally forgotten. So on a whim one Sunday I decided to test. Well it was positive, much to my shock after many negative tests I just couldn't believe it...Two trips to the drug store and three more tests later, we were indeed pregnant. I called the doc Monday morning, went in and it was confirmed.
The next Monday while at work, I had a little spotting and of course FREAKED OUT. So my OB sent me to the hospital for an Ultra Sound. There was my little peanut, and that's all we was, nothing more than the yolk sack that would soon turn into a baby, I was pregnant, and it was VERY early. The next couple of weeks the morning sickness came on, it was BAD. I couldn't even eat grapes and cheese without getting sick. By the time it was all said and done, I was taking Zofran, Regalin and Phenergan to keep food down. DH and I knew it was a bad idea, but started buying stuff anyway. We of course bought stuff that could be for a boy or girl. I ended up in the hospital 2 times for dehydration....
As time went on, I got more exhausted. I would come home from work and sleep from 6pm until it was time to get up for work the next day. DH took care of cooking, laundry, you name it, he did it. And on nights I had enough energy to stay up, I was reading baby books, playing music to my belly and DH would read to my belly.
Then the week of August 3rd, I started to have a heavy discharge and I remembered my OB said it would change as my hormones did, plus I had an appointment Thursday and would ask about it then...
Thursday, oh that Thursday, I will never forget the happiness my DH had when the doc said we were having a boy. That look....brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it, about how naive we were.
We called EVERYONE to tell them we were having a boy when we walked out of that office, we were so happy! We didn't really care about the sex, we were just happy we where going to have a healthy baby. Oh and Names, the names started and we decided Russell Elliot.
Sunday - My MIL is in a nursing home, so we went to visit. She wanted some fast food, so we left to get it and went to KMart to get her some new PJ's. While there I had to go potty and my discharge had blood in it. I FREAKED OUT immediately. (Without an exam, my OB said that it was normal to have in change in discharge at the visit on Thursday) So I call my OB and he tells us to get to LD in Zanesville. We didn't even go back to the nursing home, we left. Called mom and she met us there. They hooked me up to the monitor, we heard Elliot's heartbeat and laughed at how much he was kicking me. Everything seemed to be okay, my cervix had shortened and they wanted to do a neonatal protein test, but couldn't right then because they had checked me, I was put on bed rest and scheduled back Wednesday for the test.
We went home and I had a restless night, tossing and turning. On Monday my boss brought a computer to my house so could do some work from home, no biggie. After he left I layed on the couch and was cramping. I assumed it was from being checked. I called the doc and he reaffirmed my thoughts. DH came home from work and I was still cramping. We were trying to decide whether or not to go to LD, I didn't want to be one of those paranoid pregnant ladies, I was barely over 23 weeks, what did I know.
My tummy started to hurt, so I tried using the bathroom. When I sat down, there was this loud pop and a gushing of fluids. It felt as though a water balloon popped inside of me. So I call my OB. He wanted to know what color it was and if it smelled. Well, I had used the bathroom so it wasn't what he thought it should have been and told me everything was okay to drink plenty of fluids and lay on my side. So I hop into the bathtub to clean up and I discover something that didn't belong. I would later find out it was Elliot's Foot. So I call my OB AGAIN and tell him what I have discovered and that we are coming in.
I change clothes and we hop in the truck for the 35 minute drive. My water kept breaking, which I didn't know that would happen, and by the time we go to the hospital I was soaked again! I styed pretty calm during the ride even through the contractions, inside I was preparing for the worst and completely freaking out, but did not show it...
They wheel me to LD and start to check me, the nurse feels the foot and hurried out of the room and then starts cussing that the doctor needs to get there yesterday! My water had in fact broke, the baby's foot was hanging out of me and I was having contractions!

I will post the rest later, it has taken a lot out of me to write this all down and there is still a lot left to tell....

And the winner is...

2009-12-06T09:32:00.002-05:00

CONGRATS!!!!

Mrs. A is the winner of the plaque.

AND while I was shopping yesterday I picked up a mystery gift and the winner of that is Allison(Ali).

So if you would both email me your address to rbmiller07@columbus.rr.com I will get your gifts sent out!

This was a lot of fun! I LOVED reading every one's hope's for the future! It really helped yesterday, thanks to all of you who were thinking of my family yesterday.

We spent the day shopping for Christmas decorations for Elliot's grave and then spent the evening decorating his Christmas tree, I think an appropriate way to spend the day.

Thanks to everyone who entered.
Please visit TracyOC at Mommicked she is hosting a giveaway today!

25 Days of Giveaways

2009-12-04T22:07:00.005-05:00

Okay, so officially my day isn't until tomorrow, but I'm putting it up now, not so sure how I'm going to be tomorrow...still waiting to crash and burn...December 5th is my EDD....Here is my and Elliot's Give Away!

I was agonizing over what to give when I saw this and it spoke, no SCREAMED at me. It rings so true for me and I'm sure for all other BLM's.

"Hope...we rejoice in our sufferings which produces endurance, character and hope." Romans 5:2-3

Oh, how sad but true...I chose to focus on the hope!

So to enter this contest, please tell me your hopes for the future. Whether it be paying off your car, to getting a new job, to having your "Rainbow"or whatever it is you hope for in the future.

My hopes are to lose more weight before TTC again, which I am working on, and of course for a healthy "Rainbow."

I am so excited to get to see everyones hopes!!

GOOD LUCK!
Brandy

Another Stage of Grief I Suppose

2009-12-04T13:10:00.002-05:00

So, I'm feeling really good/a little happy and it scares the HELL out of me. I am waiting to CRASH back into the desperation and despair that has haunted me since Elliot's death.
I'm getting even more excited about Christmas and my breakdown's have been few and far between the past few weeks. Now, I am by no means "over" this or think of Elliot any less, it's just easier to think of him and smile...Like I said, I'm waiting to crash and burn, how morbid is that? I am assuming this is just another stage of grief we all go through....
But I am also hoping that part of this happiness is coming from the giving that has come from Elliot's death. I would not have gotten and Angel from the Angel Tree, I would not have bought snowmen from McDonald's, I would not be crocheting hats and booties and blankies, there is just a lot I would have not done. And it makes me wonder if my eyes had been opened, would Elliot still be here? Did God take him to open my and my DH's eyes?
Oh, the questions.... part of the reason I NEVER sleep. That hasn't gotten easier. I still hear "And one, and two and three" over and over again whenever I close my eyes and cannot sleep because of it and the questions. I suppose in time it will get easier....
I guess I have also realized something. Grief is selfish, someone commented to me about this and I got it, but I didn't truly understand what they meant until I spoke with my Father-in-Law the other day. I am not the only one grieving for Elliot. DUH!! But I guess I didn't realize how much others where grieving for him, my eyes open a little wider everyday.
Lessons come every day that I wish I didn't have to learn. I wish I could still be blissfully blinded to the things in this world that I never knew existed until a few months ago. But I also find solace in the comfort from those who are walking this path before me, with me and after me. Although I TRULY wish none of us ever had to be here.
Last note: tomorrow is my giveaway. It is also my EDD and so I am looking forward to honoring Elliot; his death, birth and life, by doing this giveaway on what was supposed to be the day he entered this world! So PLEASE check back tomorrow to enter my giveaway!
Brandy

Luck,Thanks and Questions

2009-12-03T14:20:00.003-05:00

First of all, thank you to Tina at Living without Ellie and Sophie for putting together the 25 days of Christmas Giveaway. I have, by accident, won two of the prizes! Which is funny because I NEVER win anything, just not a lucky person. I won't be entering any more contests as to give all of the other people a chance to win...but I will be checking everything out.
My giveaway day is Saturday, which is funny because that is my actual EDD. When Tina sent our dates out and I saw that, I just laughed! I think Elliot is trying to help his mommy, I'm starting to think my luck is changing...Tina asked if I wanted to switch days, but I think it was a sign from my little boy, he still lets me know he's around and I don't want to change my date, I think it's a cool way of honoring him, and very unexpected!
So, my cousin and I are going to start crocheting hats, booties and blankies and I'm hoping to donate them to local hospitals for preemies and those stillborn. Has anyone done anything like this and do you know of an policies that any hospitals have? I know they are probably all different, but I was just curious. I want to donate to our local hospital and to Children's Hospital in Columbus, where Elliot was cared for.
Also, does anyone have any suggestions for dad's? My hubby is having such a hard time even talking about Elliot. I know we all grieve differently and at our own pace, I just wish I could do more. When ever I talk about my blog or another baby loss mama he kind of shuts down, so I don't talk to him about it anymore, but it hurts because there is so much I want to share with him. So any advice would help.
Update: Elliot's headstone was FINALLY fixed on Tuesday. Also, I have not forgotten about the presents, just am such a slacker and I admit it...I will do more shortly!
So thanks to everyone who reads my blogs, you have helped keep me sane!!
XOXOXO,
B

I am a COWARD

2009-11-30T10:50:00.002-05:00

So my best friend since like first grade came "home" for the holiday. She lives like 8 to 10 hours away. Her baby boy was born the week before my Elliot. I love her dearly, as we have been friends forever and I have always been able to tell her everything and lean on her in my time of need. I did not go and visit her while she was in. I wanted to, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Is this selfish of me? I think so....But I also know she understands, she told me she did...So why do I feel so horrible??? It has been a while since I've seen her and I miss her and I wish I hadn't been such a coward! This whole grief roller coaster sucks so much!!!
So I had another friend ask me how I felt about things being bought for or in memory of Elliot? I LOVE IT! If you ever see anything that reminds you of my dear baby and you want to buy it or make it or whatever, I would absolutely LOVE it. The fact that someone besides DH and me are thinking of my son, warms my heart to no end. Now, I might cry, but I would never be upset!!!!
The holiday was okay, stressful but okay. I did do some shopping and have everything for my angel tree angel...I think I have been flying through buying stuff so I don't have to concentrate on what it's for...does that make sense? Kind of just going through the motions....
But we survived and are going on with life....

To Elliot

2009-11-26T11:28:00.002-05:00

To my sweet Elliot,
Today is a day to be thankful, although I am finding it hard to be thankful for anything, I need to. I am thankful for family and friends.
I miss you so much today. I thought you were going to be born today, which makes this day that much harder to find things to be thankful for. I imagined Daddy pacing while you were being born and forgetting all about hunting next week as soon as he saw your sweet face. I imagined sleeping with you in my arms and never wanting to let you go. I imagined being stingy with you, wanting you all to myself and people having to pry you out of my arms.
I miss you.
Your headstone will be fixed on Friday, thankfully, I guess one more thing to be thankful for.
Everyday life is such a struggle with you not here...I feel like the biggest failure in the world, the worst mommy ever...hell I don't even feel like I deserve the title "mommy," not today anyhow.
As I was taking a bath I was staring at that scar. That fucking scar that reminds me everyday how much I failed at being a mommy. It reminds me of you everyday, I will always have a scar on my belly and one on my heart, but feeling this pain also reminds me of how much you were loved. Your daddy and I love you soooooo much. You were sooooo wanted, it's hard living life without you....
I love you my sweet angel. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you Elliot.
Love you forever and always,
Mommy

Headstone

2009-11-24T20:26:00.003-05:00

So Elliot's headstone was finished today and DH and I went to see it. First off it's not correct, there isn't the vase on it that we paid extra for. This makes me sad for the simple reason that this is the last thing we bought for Elliot and they didn't get it right. My poor angel can't even get the proper headstone! Nothing in his life went right, why should I have expected this to?
While we were standing there, the ground looked so soft where he lay...every inch of my being wanted to dig through the soft ground, with my bare hands, no matter how long it took, to pull my baby from the earth and hold him one last time, breath life into his still body, bring him back to me, hear him cry for the first time, make him smile. Isn't it funny the way our minds work in moments of desperation? It took every ounce of strength I had to not bend down and start digging, throwing dirt everywhere to get to my baby. My precious boy lay just beneath the soft earth, in that ungodly plastic box they call a coffin.
This has been the first time I went to his grave since we buried him, DH too. We both broke down.
Did you know they don't make coffin's for babies. I wish we didn't need them, but to bury your precious child in what looked like a plastic box still makes me angry. He deserved better than a plastic box for his resting place, a FUCKING plastic box!
And to top it off, the thought of finalizing everything with the headstone being in place, the same week I thought I was going to give birth just kills me. I am supposed to be holding my little boy in my arms for the first time, holding him, staring at him in his crib, not standing over his grave, weeping for him!

Prresent for Adriana - Ben and Sophia

2009-11-24T04:48:00.002-05:00

Present for Jen - Ella

2009-11-24T04:45:00.001-05:00

Present for Almost a Mother - Sophie and Aiden

2009-11-24T04:41:00.000-05:00

Thank YOU!

2009-11-23T11:33:00.003-05:00

Leanna,

Thank you so much for Elliot's wings. I love them!!!

HUGS!

Brandy

Jealous

2009-11-22T21:51:00.003-05:00

Why do I feel so jealous? I know it's human nature, but this jealousy isn't like anything I have felt before and I am not sure how to handle it. I shy away from people I love because the green monster roars its head and I'm sooooo very afraid of coming unglued and saying something I will later regret....not because of anything they have said or done, just because this monster feels so overwhelming right now, I don't know how long I will be able to keep it at bay...
My EDD is coming up, December 5, although I was hoping Elliot would be a Thanksgiving baby. I am so confused about the emotions I am feeling...I'm jealous, as noted above, angry, sad, depressed, but also trying so damned hard to be happy. Do I even have the right to be happy right now? Is it always going to be this much work to be happy? I feel like I spend so much time fighting feelings that I don't have time for other things, again neglecting family and friends.
It just breaks my heart that I should still be pregnant, getting ready to give birth and my body is empty and my baby is already in heaven! How can one even begin to comprehend that? To make it through to the other side? My baby is dead, what a harsh statement, my baby is dead, what a cruel statement and yet, I can't get it out of my head, my... baby... is... dead...

Present for Emma - Addison

2009-11-21T18:45:00.000-05:00

Present for MB - Quinn

2009-11-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

Present for Jennifer - Bryston

2009-11-21T18:41:00.000-05:00

Present for Holly - Carleigh

2009-11-21T18:40:00.000-05:00

Present for Rikki - Eli and Jett

2009-11-21T18:34:00.002-05:00

Presents

2009-11-21T18:33:00.001-05:00

Okay, so my lack of planning led to a dead battery in my camera! Story of my life, but I am posting the few pics I have finished....If you don't see yours, let me know, I hope to have more on here shortly, after the battery is charged!

Presents for EVERYONE

2009-11-21T18:13:00.001-05:00

I am doing name pictures for everyone who wants them...I will be posting the blogs I follow shortly, if you want one, please ask, I am more than happy to do it. If you see your childs name and want the original emailed to you please leave me your email address, I can't figure out how to get them from the profiles. Also, if you want one sent to someone else, please let me know.
<3 Brandy

More Rambling & Question

2009-11-19T23:54:00.005-05:00

It seems that's all I ever do...
I had a good day today...had a GREAT meeting with a big client for work...long trip but worth it. I have been buying stuff for my Angel Tree Angel..but she didn't ask for a lot and I don't have clothing sizes and she's 12...that age where you have NO IDEA what they think is cool, but I am hoping mom and I can find enough stuff for her to have a good Christmas this year.
Thank you everyone for your ornament suggestions...after I posted that blog, my WONDERFUL cousin Lori called and surprised me! She bought Elliot, Russ and I the Hallmark Angel ornament where there is a baby with wings laying beside a candle. And she doesn't read my blog, so it was ironic...
I am having a lot of mixed emotions with the holiday's coming up and my EDD was December 5, although I was hoping for a Thanksgiving baby...It seems like time has passed so fast and at times so slow...does that make sense? I am hoping I can stay comfortably numb until the new year! (Thank you Pink Floyd) Like I said, I'm rambling tonight.
I have a question for everyone...Can anyone recommend a natural sleep aid other than warm milk? I'm lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep a night and I know I cannot continue doing this. I take my xanax sometimes when it has been a couple of days, but I do not want to become dependant on any medication of any sort to sleep, so any suggestions would be helpful...and milk upsets my tummy...
Talking of sleep, I might as well lay down and try to get some, have a presentation for work tomorrow!
<3
B

Thankful

2009-11-17T13:39:00.002-05:00

So, I have been reading my blogs, and I am sooo sad in all of them. Although my life has been consumed by Elliot's death, I am not always completely miserable, although when I'm not, I feel guilty, but that's another issue to blog about.
Anyhoo, I am thankful for the short time I got to know baby, God granted him 24 days on this earth. He got to meet his grandparents, his Aunt Danielle, Janet and cousin Garrett. He got to meet Bob and Julie Queen, no one could ask for better friends. He also go to meet my boss and his son, which was super nice. And although he flipped Father Jim off, I'll tell that one later, he was able to meet God's messenger that married his mommy and daddy and who has helped them deal with his death.
I am thankful I got to hold my baby while he was still alive, he got to feel my heartbeat from the outside, smell my skin and feel the love his mommy had for him.
I am thankful that DH got to hold him. He heard his daddy's heartbeat for the first time, got to feel his fuzzy chest, smell him and feel the most pure, complete love that a man can have for his child!
I am thankful for such a wonderful DH! No one could ask for a better one. The way he loves me, no one can ever touch. Through good and bad, thick and thin and this tragedy, we have become closer and no one will ever be able to take that from us.
I am thankful for such wonderful family and friends. They have always been wonderful, but everyone really stepped up to the plate when we needed them the most.
I am thankful for random acts of kindness, my faith has been restored in people, even when the best intentions fall through, it's still been good.
I am especially thankful for our "crew," you know who you are, if it wasn't for you guys, we would be in a world of hurt!!!
I am thankful to be one of God's children.
And I am hopeful that through God's serenity, the sun will always shine tomorrow. I hope he will grant us the wish of a healthy child, to watch grow up and to care for.
I am thankful for my Blog Friends. Although I hate that this how we met, I don't know what I'd do with out you all!!!
Most importantly, I am thankful for my life. As much bad that has happened, I wouldn't be who I am today if it had not happened this way. I believe one day I will understand everything when I am in heaven. I do believe God has a master plan. And perhaps who knew I was strong enough to carry this burden so that some one else didn't have to....I don't know....
<3
Brandy

Dead Baby's First Christmas Ornament....

2009-11-15T18:38:00.003-05:00

So this is so morbid and I know it...but I was looking for an ornament for Elliot's first Christmas. I've looked at angels and everything relating to babies...There's a baby's First Christmas, our first Christmas, first Christmas in our new house, first Christmas married and so on, but WHERE is the "Dead Baby's First Christmas???" I know that's sooooo wrong, but that's all I can think when I'm looking for an ornament and I'm really weird about ornaments, they are special and have to speak for me when I buy them, just how I've always been, but I just can't seem to find the "Dead baby's First Christmas...." And I really hope no one knows where to find it, cause if so, that means you've been looking for one too....

First One!!!!!

2009-11-13T21:54:00.002-05:00

Thank you SOOOO much Holly!! This is my first name picture and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!
THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!
<3
Brandy

Yesterday

2009-11-11T13:46:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday Elliot would have been 3 months old, and we would be closer to coming home, or so I hope we would. It's so hard not to think about what might have been...A girlfriend is in the NICU and is getting to do a lot of things we never made it to. I am soooooo happy for her, but it's a bittersweet happiness, Elliot would have been a month ahead of her son and we would be comparing notes and I would be getting to tell her what she had to look forward to, now I just am hearing all that I am missing. But I love her and her son and pray for them sooooo much. I'm almost obsessed with praying for her baby, I'm starting to think it's not healthy. LOL And I ask Elliot to watch over him to make sure his mommy leaves the hospital with a baby, not empty arms.
So over the last 3 months, my whole world has changed, in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone. Conversations with friends are mostly awkward, except a few. I feel like I can't talk to my friends with babies, I don't want to scare the hell out of them...I have a hard talking to DH about it, I try to be strong for him, like he has been for me. Don't get me wrong, we break down together A LOT, but there are a lot of nights I wait until he is asleep and go into the spare room and go through Elliot's chest and cry, sobbing so hard I drool and catch myself because I'm crying so loud I don't want to wake him up.
It's hard to talk to my mom because I don't want to upset her. I want her to know I am healing. I get tired of her telling me we should wait longer than to February before we start trying again...
So back to yesterday, I didn't even light my "Baby Candles." I totally forgot about it until today. I do that a lot though, especially when it comes to my dad. I prepare myself so much and tell myself I have to hold it together, that those "special" days come and go without a second thought from me....is that normal? I don't know anymore....
On another note: My mom and I are getting an angel off the Angel Tree this year. I have wanted to do this forever and figured this year would be as good as any and I cannot wait to start buying Christmas for whatever child we get. It warms my heart knowing that we will be helping someone who needs it and making a precious child smile on Christmas morning....something I won't get to experience with my own child, although I know he will be smiling from above!

Lost Ramblings

2009-11-10T22:03:00.003-05:00

I am feeling very lost tonight. Tonight more than other nights, I'm not sure why...
I made a strange call to the funeral home today to see if they had taken picture of Elliot after he was ready.They didn't, I know it was a stretch, but I had to try. I want more pictures of Elliot so bad it hurts, but I can never have them and it's killing me. And I was hoping for one from the funeral home because he looked so perfect and I never want to forget that image of my baby boy. I wish we as a society were more understanding when it comes to death. Why did I scream at the nurse who was trying to takes pictures of us holding Elliot? At the time I thought it was impersonal and I was furious, my baby was dying and they were snapping pictures...now I'm soooo mad because I don't have them!
My EDD is less then a month away. It's funny how when I was pregnant it felt like a lifetime before that day would be here, now it feels like it was no time at all! Does that make sense?
I would give anything to still be pregnant, to not have this scar that is a constant reminder that my body failed me. To feel Elliot growing inside of me, to be miserable, I would give anything.
I think I am just beginning my grieving process, I tried to be so strong for Russell for so long...I have had a lot of loss in My life, seen too many family members take their last breath and I thought I needed to be strong for him. But I have discovered losing a child cannot compare to anything I have ever experienced, and I hope to never experience it again....
I am so mad for not taking more pictures and it is just now bothering me...I feel like I would be in a better place if I had more pictures, I don't know if this is true and it's just another thing to beat myself about, but I am....
I want so bad to be a mommy, to a living child. I want to hold him it in my arms, rock it to sleep, give it life nourishing milk from my body....My heart aches so bad..and I feel guilty for wanting another baby so soon, I am not trying to replace Elliot or the hole in my heart, I just want a the family I have always dreamed of.
I still question Why? everyday...Will I ever stop questioning and just accept it? I don't know but being in a constant state of Why? is exhausting, but I can't seem to move past it.
I don't feel so angry as I did even a week ago, but I am so sad that it hurts and is very tiring...exhausting, I'm so exhausted all the time...
I want to smile instead of cry, I want to know I did all I could, not this constant wishing I would have done this or that, or questioning if I did enough...
This new normal is not what I had in mind when I was six or seven, dreaming of being married and having a family of my own...
Here's to a better tomorrow.....

The Secret Garden Meeting for October

2009-11-09T11:16:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been a few months now since we lost Elliot...I hate saying lost, I didn't misplace him, but saying since he died, or his death just seems like to harsh of words for now. I don't know where I am in my grief, I go back a forth a lot. Most days I am dealing with utter sadness and lots of questions. Why? is the biggest one. And it kills me that I will never know. I feel like DH and I were robbed of our perfect life. Not that our life is perfect, no ones is, but Elliot was so wanted and so loved and I feel like he was robbed from us, taken for no reason. I still have a lot of anger, I am so angry at God at times, but thankful at others, at least I got to spend some time with Elliot, some parents never get that. I go back and forth A LOT!
I pray for the day that I can think of Elliot and say his name and talk of him with smiles instead of tears.
I have found a little peace, enough that I don't breakdown everyday after work, just a few days a week now...enough that I don't feel like I'm in a constant fog, just a little fog. And I pray for this fog to lift...

Letter from the Dr.

2009-11-05T11:23:00.002-05:00

So the specialist I went to last Friday, cc'ed me the letter he is sending to my OBGYN.
In the letter he pretty much attributes my pre-term birth to bacteria I had prior to conceiving that were living in my uterus and a severe case of GBS, which he believes my body doesn't make an anti-body to.
So his recommendation to my Doc are as follows:
Being completely recovered mentally and physically from prior birth and 3-4 regular menstrual cycles after stopping oral contraception before trying to conceive again
A round of anti-biotics before I even try to conceive again and anti-biotics at 24 and 36 weeks
Regular urine tests and treatment if GBS if apparent
Weekly progesterone shots beginning at 15 weeks
Weekly ultra sounds of my cervix and a possible cerclage, or stitch in my cervix

So although there is a plan in place, I am a nervous wreck and I am sure I will be until I deliver a full-term, healthy baby.

I also wanted to share that I had a WONDERFUL conversation with a special person that is an Angel Mommy. She doesn't share her story often, but felt comfortable enough to open up to me, which touches me to no end. Being a part of this "club" is awful, but seeing it is possible to have more, healthy babies and a "normal" life is possible. I know only time will heal my wounds and I am in the process of discovering a new normal, our conversation has given more hope than I have felt this whole journey. People can share their stories all day long, and I read SOOOO many blogs about parents and their Rainbow Babies, but having someone so close to me open up about her story has really helped my spirit!!!!

2009-11-03T21:22:00.003-05:00

Here are photo's of my and DH's tattoos to remember Elliot. Mine is the prints, Elliiot's actaul prints. DH has the cross.

Dr. Visit, Tattoo's and a Headstone...

2009-11-02T11:57:00.005-05:00

So, at my doctors visit on Friday, I was told that they didn't think the group B strep was the main cause of my pre-term labor. That kind of devastated me, I thought if we could narrow it down to one thing, then that's all I would have to worry about next time around. Apparently they think I have more bacteria than just Group B and when I was pregnant, AF couldn't flush them out and they built up, compounded with the Group B, so they really don't know exactly what the hell happened. BUT there is a plan of action for the next time. I will be given a cleansing round of anti-biotics before I get pregnant and when I become pregnant, at 15 weeks I will be getting weekly progesterone injections and weekly cervix checks, I will also be given a couple of rounds of anit-biotics throughout my pregnancy...I am so SCARED!! But I don't want to stop trying again because of fear! I am meant to be a mommy!
So Friday night I got my tattoo finished, I will post pictures later, I had Elliot's Hand prints and Foot prints tattooed on my back around his name, it looks pretty cool. While we were there DH found a cross he wanted, so on Saturday we went back to have his cross done, it has a ribbon wrapped around it that says "In Memory of Elliot." It's beautiful.
From the tattoo parlor, we went straight to Quality Monuments to picked out Elliot's Headstone. We had been putting it off, just for the simple fact, it was hard. We looked at a lot of stones outside, but nothing spoke to me. So we ventured inside and I saw it. A Teddy Bear. It is about 3 foot tall and perfect. Once they have it set I will take pictures of it. I know to some this might sound morbid, but it's my baby boy's!!!
We had a pretty good weekend, other than bawling the whole time at Quality Monument's, but we cried together, so it was okay.
So this week's task is to call the Dr. and find out when I need to go off the BC before be start TTC again. They want us to wait until the end of January, but want me off the pill for a while first, so the planning begins! Wish us luck!!!

Whirlwind

2009-10-31T16:48:00.002-04:00

I am supposed to be finishing getting ready for our Halloween parties, but I need to blog first.
So yesterday I went to see a specialist about what happened with my pregnancy and what to do the next time around and that deserves its own blog later when I have time.
I got my tattoo finished with Elliot's Handprint and Footprints around his name and I LOVE it, I will always have a piece of him with me!!
my DH got a tattoo also this morning, it's a beautiful cross that says "In Memory of Elliot." I will post pics later too.
Then we went and bought the headstone...no one should ever have to do this for their child. We bought a beautiful Teddy Bear stone, I might post pics of it too. But having to decided what will sit over your child for eternity is hard. But as soon as DH and I saw the bear we both knew it was what we wanted...
Whooooo, what a weekend already and it's only half over!!!!

A note to my readers....

2009-10-27T15:55:00.002-04:00

After receiving an e-mail, I decided I need to write a little note to anyone who reads my blog. Please understand that when I write, I am usually at the high of my anger or sadness, whichever it happens to be that day. It's easier for me to write what I'm thinking right then and there, get it on the table and leave it there...It is a release for me. All of the feelings I describe, I feel more often then not, but I am not always that way...And I don't want to always burden Russell or any of my other friends with them. One, most of the time no one knows what to say, which is fine, but it just makes for an awkwardness that I don't need right now....Hurt and anger spreads and I like to be happy and I like for my friends to be happy. Now, if I really feel I need to talk to someone I do. But a lot of times, I just need to get this stuff out of my system, if I don't it's like a poison to my body.
I will in the future try to blog when I am happy, so not everything on here about Elliot is sad and angry...it's just hard to think about him at this point in time without becoming angry, bitter or sad. And I am sure one day I will be able to think about him and smile and not cry, I pray for that day to come everyday...
B

Easier?

2009-10-27T11:07:00.002-04:00

So, isn't this supposed to be getting easier, shouldn't it not hurt so much now? Why do I feel like I hurt a little more each day instead of a little less.
Why did this have to happen to us? Russell and I are good people. We deserve a family, we did not deserve this and neither did Elliot!
I can't imagine this pain going away. It seems like so many people are naive, living their happy little lives and complaining about the day to day stuff....I know, I used to be one of those people, now I am just so angry I want to scream at everyone. I see those who just had babies complaining about sleep, I would GIVE anything to not sleep so I could have Elliot with me.
I wish God would have taken me instead. I have lived a good 26 years and Russell would have had lots of help and support!! I just want my baby boy to be alive. To experience so much. I have so much love to give to him and I can't. I would give ANYTHING for him to be here right now, including myself!!
I just can't fathom being pregnant again right now...I want to be, but I am scared as hell. I couldn't go through this again. I have had a lot of loss in my life and this just devastated me to no end. I don't know how I'm going to survive this hurt.
No one can even imagine the pain...you might be able to relate, but don't think you know what I'm going through, we are all different and experience things differently, I would never claim to know what you are going through.
And once again, please stop telling me I'll have more kids. That's great and all, but I want the one I had. How would you feel if someone came and took your baby and I said to you "That's okay, you can have more." SO FUCKING WHAT!!! I want the one I had.
I hate being this angry, but it will not leave me...I try to pretend, it doesn't work, I try to ignore, it doesn't work, I make excuses, it doesn't work!
Will I always feel this way? If so, I don't know how much more I can handle. Crying more often then smiling is hard on a person!!

What I Miss The Most

2009-10-23T10:43:00.003-04:00

So, I had a dream last night that was precious and strange...
I was at work and Elliot was laying on my desk. A client came in, picked him up and he started crying, only you couldn't hear it. I quickly snatched him back and held onto him.
He had his tubes in so I couldn't see all of his face which made me mad, but I'm glad God gave me the opportunity to hold my baby again....
I want to hold him more than anything in this world. Just the thought of that dream brings tears to my eyes, I want my baby boy back, more than anything in this world!!!!
We bought a new car yesterday, it's bitter-sweet, this car was supposed to be for Elliot and now he will never ride in it. I will never get to pack it full of his stuff. I will never get to run late because I am bundling him up to take him somewhere, I will never get to put him in his carseat and watch as he out grows it. I will never get to look in that rearview mirror to see his smiling face looking back at me. I will never get to hear him call me "mommy," or have my heart broken as he crys for me when I take him to his first day of school. My heart is so broken from all of these things, and these are just a few things I'll miss, I could go on forever about all that I am going to miss and it kills me inside!!!!

Being Polite

2009-10-21T14:13:00.004-04:00

So I did something yesterday that I am not very proud of.
First let me say, there are times that I want to scream at people that my baby died, it's just this impulse that I will hopefully never do, but I think we all go through this phase.
Anyhoo, after a horrible weekend, my Monday and Tuesday were going okay. My dentist called and was able to squeeze me in. I sat and waited FOREVER after I got there.
When the dentist finally came in after the hygienist had cleaned my teeth, he ask me how my summer had went.
I reply "Kinda rough, I had a baby and he died." WTF was I thinking, it just kinda popped out of my mouth! And now I feel horrible about it.
I never should have said that to him, but I get so tired of "pretending" nothing happened just so I don't have to go into the story! It's hard for me to explain myself every time and I get tired of telling people I'm fine, because I'm not fine, I am a broken mess!!!!
My baby died, I'm a mess! That's all there is too it. No one ever can experience a loss like that of a child. All death is hard, but I carried that life inside of me, I was responsible for him and he died!
So, if I ever come unglued on you, I am apologizing now, I try my hardest not to, I fall apart at night when no one knows it so that I won't fall apart on someone at the wrong time!
I need lots of prayer lately, some days are better than others and some days I think I regress in my grief process, I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to have to will myself to get up in the mornings, I don't want to have to will myself to do everything. Everything I do anymore takes so much more energy out of me...I feel like a robot sometimes, sometimes I just go through the motions to get through the day, and I hate that!!
Here's to a better tomorrow!!
B

Weekend from Hell!

2009-10-19T14:34:00.003-04:00

So "Hell Weekend" started after work Friday. As Russ and I were driving to eat dinner with my mom, my stomach got upset and I spent most of the evening in the restroom.
So I figure Saturday will be better. Mom and I go to a local craft show. Well, the first two people I run into start to tell me how they are sorry about the baby. That's fine, but then I get told, "It's okay, it happened for a reason and you'll have another baby." Well, SCREW YOU!!! I want the baby I had!! My Elliot, I want him, not another baby to replace him, I WANT HIM!
Then as we are walking around, I see tag blankets, start bawling and run out of the place. Get hom and relax....
Then my hubby and I decide to go to my nephews last football game. Now, if you know me and Russ, we tease each other like a couple of teenagers, picking on one another. Anyhoo, this women in front of us starts laughing and tells me I'm funny. Then she askes, "You don't have kids do you?" I answer no, because I've had a hard enough day and don't want to go into it, then she asks, "What are you waiting for, Christmas?" Well, Russ says, "Well yes we are!" I start bawling again and have to leave. Why do people have to get so personal, it's none of your damn business if we are going to have kids or not, that's our choice!! EWWWWWWWW
So then Sunday, I promise myself it will be a better day. I get ready, go to church, go and come home. Russell is in bed crying when I get home!
Oh AND I forgot Sweetest Day. Now you have to understand, I buy Russ a card and something for every holiday. AND I FORGOT for the fist time in 7 and a half years! He bought me a curling iron, which I needed, candy, a DVD and a card. And I didn't have jack for him!
So as we are laying in bed Sunday, which is how we spent the whole day, he asks me "Do you still love me?" Well that fucking broke my heart. "Of course I love you," I tell him. And he says to me that it's not like me to forget. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! I feel bad enough about forgetting...excuse me, but there is a lot going on now, it slipped, I'm sorry.
So what do I do now, I've appoligezed 100 times, but everything seems so fragile right now, I don't need a breakdown of our relationship!!!! Especially because I forgot freakin' Sweetest Day! Now I'm sure I'd be mad if he forgot, Hell I'm lucky to get a card sometimes, i didn't even get a card for our anniversary!!! EWWWWWW
On a good note though, Mike at the frame shop is going to make me prints of Elliot's feet and hands and he can clean them up some, they are smudged where they took the prints. And I want to order one of those neclaces, but they do them exactly like the pic, and I don't want a pic of my sons foot without his toe!!
Here's to a better tomorrow. I start my Physician's Weight Loss diet tomorrow, hope I don't murder someone for their Twinkie!!! LOL
B

Lighting the Night

2009-10-16T14:59:00.003-04:00

So yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and I have to admit, I lit my candles late....Does that make me a bad mom? It was all kind of surreal. I went to Wally World to buy the Candles. One for Elliot, One for Grayson and one for all of the other Angel Babies out there. It made me sad, picking out candles for dead babies! MORBID!!!!

I paid the funeral hom today and was paying hospital bills and it just makes me sick. Paying for my sons funeral, like making any other transaction, just sickening.

Today isn't such a bad day though, I've had worse. I went to the eye doctor this morning and got new contacts and glasses....and I've learned my cornia's are thick, whatever that means.

And I'm freakin out a little though, my stomach has been upset for a few days and I don't trust my body!! How sad is that?? I don't trust my body! What do I mean by that? Well, I am afraid that I think is insignificant will be BIG!
I'm afraid that there is something going on that I am not aware of, like the GBS.

I cannot wait to go to the specialist, I have a ton of questions. Mom is going with and she will think of a bazillion questions that I won't!

I am praying for Alicia and Brice. She is not feeling well and they are on a big rollercoaster right now. I pray God gives her the strength to get better and keep up her spirits.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

A Day to Remember

2009-10-15T11:06:00.003-04:00

Today I will be remembering Elliot and lighting a candle for him, I hope more so with smiles than tears, but I can't promise anything.

I will also be lighting a candle for baby Grayson who passed away on October 7, 2008.

I truely hope that every parent who has lost a little one will remember their angel with a smile in their heart. Sometimes it's hard to remember these little ones were a gift when we are feeling so much pain from the loss. But they are now and will always be a gift from God.

My spirits are a little better today, I had a complete breakdown at work yesterday, I sat in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity and sobbed so hard I almost got sick a couple of times. I think I needed that though. I have been trying to be so strong for so long, it's wearing my body out!

Speaking of my body:

I am starting the Physician's Weight Loss Diet again next week. I am actually 12 pounds lighter than the last time I started!! (Last time I was on the diet 3 weeks and found out I was pregnant and had to stop) The girls that work there are so awesome and I want to be more healthy when we ttc again! So I might become a little irritable in the coming weeks, but it will pass. I look forward to being a healthy mom that can run and play for hours with my kids, not one that uses TV as an excuse for my laziness!!! I am doing this for me and my future children and I know I can because keeping that goal of a healthy mom and baby in mind will be my drive!

Please know that I am thinking and praying for all parents today who have baby angels! Much love to all of us!

~B~

Still asking why....

2009-10-14T10:50:00.002-04:00

So Russ and I are watching TV and a commercial comes on for K-Mart's LayAway and Russ gets upset. I couldn't understand why, then he finally told me, "Don't you remember, our next paycheck we were going to go to KMart and put the baby's bed on layaway?"
That broke my heart more than anyone could ever imagine. I know I think things like that and I know Russ thinks of things we will miss out on, but I didn't even think of that!
I am soooo sad, I would be having my babyshower this coming weekend and we would only be 1 and a half months from having Elliot.
He would be so loved, God, I just don't understand. We wanted a baby so bad and to have him ripped from us like this is just not fair.
I am only 26 and I am buying funeral plots for my dead baby, my husband and myself. I have to go pay the funeral home for my sons services, it just seems so morbid, I'm only 26!!!
And when I lay down at night my head goes to the same place, me with my head burried in Russell's arm and all I can hear is "and 1 and 2 and 3, and 1 and 2 and 3" over and over and over again as they try to restart Elliot's little heart. And seeing Elliot lying there, discolored with such a blank stare and his mouth hanging open, no parents should EVER have to go through anything like this EVER!!!
The raw emtion that runs through me everday is almost overwhelming, sometimes I don't know if I can even breathe.
At 26 I shouldn't have to encourage myself to get out of bed everyday to go to work, I feel like I have to lie to myself to be able to function. "It was what was best, he was so loved, you'll see him again," I don't FUCKING CARE, I just want my baby boy back!!!!
Today is going to be a long day.....

What to do?

2009-10-13T15:02:00.006-04:00

So I am in limbo. I read other blogs about parents losing thier children and while I have a lot of the same feelings, I feel bad because I am not as angry as I think I should be....Does that make sence? I am so sad, it's so hard to get up everyday, but should I be more angry?

I love to look at pictures of Elliot. (His daddy's name is Russell to so we called him Elliot)
And they make cry. I want to look at him and smile, not cry. He was the best thing that happened to us, even though he was taken to early, he was a gift!
Today is a really hard day for me. There is a lot going on with my sister, her 5 kids and psyco husband...I don't know how much more I can handle. I am trying to be strong, but I feel I am about ready to break at any moment, although I would never admit this to anyone close to me.

How do you pull yourself together? Are there a set of strings I can use to sew myself back up, to put the pieces back together? I ask myself that question a lot.

Then the guilt sets in. There are mothers who never get to see their babies alive, or they may only live for a few hours. I had 24 wonderful days with my baby, I should be greatful, but I am hurt. Why would God give us that precious time only to take Elliot away from us.

And now I have a friend in the NICU were Elliot was. We would only be a couple of beds apart and I ask why would this happen to her? Why does she have to go through this too.

And sometimes I feel like I'm so sad, I will forget him, forget the gift he was to us So I got his named tattooed (sp) on my back and I am posting a few pictures of Elliot.

I don't ever want to forget!

Our Journey Thus Far

2009-10-12T14:12:00.002-04:00

In March of 2009, I discovered I was pregnant with my and my husbands first child. We were so excited, started buying baby stuff right away.
I had morning sickness that was like nothing I had ever experienced before, but I welcomed the end result. I took care of my body and did what I was supposed to.
Then it all started to fall apart. On August 2nd I started to have a discharge that was not normal, but had an appointment on the 6th for an ultra sound, so didn't think to much of it. At the ultra sound, we discovered we were having a baby boy and the doctor thought my discharge was normal, without checking me. On Sunday, the discharged turned bloody so I went to Labor and Delivery. They hooked me up to monitors, the nurse and doctor checked me and the first layer of my cervix had shed. They sent me home on bed rest and I was to go back Wednesday for a protein test.
Monday I was having horrible cramps all day and the doctor thought it was from where I had been checked the night before.
Then I went to the bathroom and it felt like a waterballoon burst inside of me. Called the doc again, and because I had used the bathroom at the same time my water broke, it wasn't clear and so he told me it wasn't my water. I get into the bathtub to rinse off and there is something coming out that shouldn't, I would later discover it was my sons foot.
So at 23 weeks and 2 days my Russell Elliot was born via C-section and rushed to Children's NICU. I couldn't see my baby until Friday because of my surgery.
I was scared of him at first, so little and fragile, but I fell in love instantly. I really can tell you much of what happened during those three weeks, except there was a lot of staring at him, holding his hand, I got to hold him three times.
He had bowel surger, surgery on his leg and a a shunt put in his brain.
On September 2, when I went to see him, he wasn't acting right, not moving as much. He had a new nurse and her and the doctor agreed he was acting "appropriate." But I know something was wrong. When a nurse he'd had many times came on, she immediately called the doctor, she noticed the same thing I did.
All I can tell you from that night, there were a lot of people around my baby, a lot of running back and forth, lots of crying and lots of prayers.
Then my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives, after doing chest compressions for 1 hour and being stuck with 7 epi pens, we decided he had fought long and hard enough.
We were holding our angel when he took his last breath on this Earth, 3:45am on September 3, 2009.
Life has been difficult, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to go to work every day, it's even hard to talk on the phone to anyone.
It's hard not to be jeouls of people who are pregnant and friends who are bringing healthy babies home from the hospital.
I should still be pregnant. It's hard not to blame myself, it's just hard.
My life's journey has taken this path for a reason, I truely believe that, I just wish I knew what it was.
I have Group B Strep, that's what caused everything to go haywire. I see a specialist on October 31st. And then in December, my OB is going to start me on a cleansing round of antibiotics, then we can start trying again.
I am scared. Scared that my body will fail me again, that the doctors will ignore me again, afraid of losing another precious life.
How do you go forward??